Not with people-pleasing.
We’re all familiar with the concept of people-pleasing, but we don’t often think about why we do it.
At its core, people-pleasing is a way of behaving that’s driven by external pressure—seeking approval, avoiding conflict, or trying to control how others perceive us. It’s rooted in extrinsic motivation: we do things not because they’re aligned with our own desires, but because we hope to gain something from others or avoid their disapproval.
The irony is that when we act from this place of external motivation, we end up feeling disconnected from ourselves. We’re performing for others, but losing touch with our own authenticity.
I recently started reading the book Why We Do What We Do, by Edward Deci. He explains that real motivation—the kind that leads to fulfillment and long-lasting change—comes from within. Intrinsic motivation is about doing something because it’s meaningful to us, because it aligns with our true self. It’s not about how others see us or what they expect of us.
When we act from intrinsic motivation, we feel more free, more willing, and more committed to our choices. We’re not just going along with what others want or expect; we’re consciously choosing what feels right for us.
When we think about it this way, people-pleasing can become a kind of dishonesty—not just with others, but with ourselves. We’re not being true to who we are. We’re not acting autonomously; we’re letting the desire for approval dictate our actions.
So how do we shift from people-pleasing to authenticity? We start by noticing when we’re acting from a place of fear or obligation rather than genuine desire. We can ask ourselves:
- Am I doing this because it’s truly important to me, or because I’m worried about what others will think?
- Does this choice feel aligned with my values, or am I just trying to avoid conflict or rejection?
- If I were motivated by my own joy and integrity, how might I act differently?
To become more connected to our own self-approval, we have to practice choosing ourselves on purpose—prioritizing our own well-being, setting boundaries, and letting others think what they will. The more we act from a place of intrinsic motivation, the more we step into our authentic selves.
Your Turn:
What would it look like to prioritize your own self-approval today? How can you shift from doing what you think you “should” do to doing what you genuinely want to do?
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