Ready to stop people-pleasing?

Then you’ll have to stop lying.

I think we’re all familiar with the concept of people-pleasing. But we seldom think of it as lying.

It’s lying–to the people you’re trying to please and to yourself. 

People-pleasing is spending an inordinate amount of time worrying about what other people think of you, so you try to get them to like you by doing what you think they want. You do this at your own expense and at the expense of what you really want. So you might feel resentful and frustrated when people don’t do the same or appreciate the sacrifices you’re making. 

You think you can control what other people’s opinions are of you. But think about that. You’re trying to control other people’s minds. 

Have you ever experienced someone who tried to control your opinion of them? What did you think of them? Maybe they came across as a little creepy or a little needy? One thing is for sure: they weren’t being who they really are because they thought they needed to be who you wanted them to be. Does this sound familiar?

The truth is, we can’t control what other people think even when we try to. They will always get to choose what they want to believe about us. And, what they believe is about them, not us. When we show up in a way that is authentic, we can see which people like us for us and not for the people-pleasing we have been doing.

This is part of why people-pleasing is lying. You’re either lying about who you are or what you want to do. You’re also trying to get approval from other people when your own self-approval is much more powerful and meaningful.   

To have our own self-approval means we have to start liking and enjoying ourselves more. 

And we have to start letting others think what they want about us. This is difficult for most of us if we have become dependent on other people to try and feel good.

The first step to enjoying ourselves and our life is basic. We have to like ourselves. This isn’t easy for most of us.

This doesn’t mean liking ourselves passively. This means actively choosing to like ourselves on purpose.

This looks like: 

  • Listening to what you want.
  • Telling the truth and saying no sometimes.
  • Knowing your dreams and desires.
  • Taking care of yourself for the long run.
  • Working on your behalf.

When we become connected to our own self-approval, we start spending less energy on seeking others’ approval.

Your turn: What if the only true way to enjoy being yourself is to actually be yourself? Not some version of yourself you think others will like. Are you willing to stop lying and start telling the truth? What can you start doing to enjoy even more who you authentically are? How can you start becoming more connected to your own self-approval?

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Why are you being so mean (to yourself)?

We can be so judgy.

Do you notice the thoughts you tell yourself? Especially when things don’t go the way you want them to? In a situation with your friend, where things don’t turn out the way they wanted, you’d likely be supportive. You might say, “There’s something better out there for you,” or “You’re so great, you’ll find another opportunity in no time,” or “You learned a lot from this to take to the next experience,” or “I’m so sorry you’re disappointed. How can I support you?”

In these situations with yourself when things don’t turn out the way you want, what are the words you say to yourself? What do you make that situation mean about you?

It can be easy to beat ourselves up after a perceived failure. Instead of focusing on the facts of what happened or what we learned from the experience, we tend to make what happened mean something about ourselves. This can look like thinking to yourself, “I knew I wasn’t good enough,” or “What’s wrong with me? There’s got to be something wrong with me,” or “I’ll never get it right–I’m such a failure,” or “I shouldn’t be feeling like this. Get over it!”

The words we say to ourselves can be pretty mean. So not only have we “failed” at the thing we wanted, we then proceed to beat ourselves up for it–and feel even worse. And we’re likely the only ones telling ourselves these mean things and making ourselves feel terrible about it.

Then we start to hide, play it safe, and protect ourselves from “failing” again. So we don’t even attempt to go after what we want. But we’re only trying to avoid the words we say to ourselves, which create feelings of defeat, disappointment, hurt, and shame.

If we think we’re trying to avoid the judgment of others, in reality, we can’t control what they think about us. Even if we “succeeded” at something, there are still some people who will judge us for succeeding as much as they might judge us for failing. (And are you sure you want those people in your life?)

So if we’re not really avoiding the judgment of others, whose judgment are we trying to avoid? It could be the mean thoughts we’re used to telling ourselves.

Once we’re aware of what we say to ourselves, we have the power to change what we say and choose to be kinder to ourselves.

Your turn: What if there’s no such thing as failing, only winning or learning? How would you talk to yourself then? What thoughts about yourself could you have that are a little kinder? What if you talked to yourself and supported yourself the way you’d support a friend or even a kid-version of yourself who’s learning something new? What would you say to yourself then? And how would your relationship with yourself change?

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Why haven’t you done that yet?

It’s a matter of belief.

What do we believe we can do? Why? 

I recently read a book called The Story of You by Steve Chandler. In one part of the book, he talks about possibility and what we believe is possible for ourselves. I’ll share this passage because I think it’s very revealing:

“What do we now really have the power to do? 

Let’s start here, then: we do what we believe we can do.

Isn’t that right?

Don’t we wake up each day and do what we believe is possible to do? If we didn’t think it was possible, why would we waste time doing it? Or even thinking about doing it? If I don’t believe it’s possible for me to play for the Phoenix Suns, I’m not going to pencil in a try-out on my daily calendar. I’m not even going to think about it. We simply ignore things we don’t think are possible.

So Step One in the failure of the human being to achieve his or her potential is that the human being only does what he believes he can do

Failure Step Two is this: we only believe we can do what we’ve done before.

Is that not true? How else do I really believe I can do something? The surest and most common way is to remember that I have done it before. So I say to myself, ‘I can do this. I’ve done this before.’

But this grim two-step doesn’t leave much room for growth. If I only do what I believe I can do—and I only believe I can do what I’ve done before—then I’m kind of stuck, aren’t I? My only possibilities for today are to do what I’ve done before. Isn’t that why most people keep repeating their habits, day after day after day? They find their wheel. They get on it. And go around.”

. . . . .

I used to think it would be impossible for me to fast for 24 hours–even though I fast for 14-16 hours a day on a regular basis. Those 8-10 hours more seemed unreachable.

But then a few months ago, I decided to go all-in and believe that I could do a 24-hour fast anyway. I wanted to see what those additional 8-10 hours of fasting would be like. I wanted to find out if it was possible for me to do it when I decided to believe that I could. I made it an exploration to see what would come up for me: how I would feel physically, what I would think mentally, what I would tell myself, how many times I would want to give up.

I was open to whatever came up for me and I was committed to making it to the 24-hour mark no matter what. I would let myself feel hungry. I would let myself think it was hard. I would let myself feel deprived. By hour 22, I was very aware of how close I was to hour 24. But when the 24th hour approached, I was surprised I wasn’t ravenous and even went 30 minutes more past the 24 hour mark. 

So I did it and discovered something: fasting for 24 hours wasn’t impossible for me like I thought it was. And after I did it once, the fact that I had done it and that it wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be, I was willing to do it again. Since last July, I’ve done about five 24-hour fasts. But before July, I hadn’t done one ever before (maybe besides being sick with the flu, but that wasn’t on purpose) because I didn’t think it was possible. Now I know it is. 

If I was able to do something I used to believe wasn’t possible for me, what else is possible for me to do once I change my belief about it? Once I decide to go all-in and attempt it? 

Your turn: What do you limit yourself from achieving in your life by believing it’s impossible for you? What would happen if you tried it? Like really go all-in and believe that you can do it and then attempt it? What would happen for you then?

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Are you committed or just interested?

What’s the difference? 

As we come to the start of a new year, people think about changes they want to make in their lives. Sometimes they have a long list of things they want to do or change. Sometimes they have just one, two, or three big things. 

No matter what you have in mind, ask yourself this: Am I wanting to make these changes or am I committed to making these changes?

Wanting to make changes is more like simply being interested in making the changes. When we want something, we have a desire or wish for something. It seems like a good idea. It doesn’t require any action to want something or be interested in something.

When we’re committed to something, it requires us to follow through on a course of action. It’s a promise to do something. Commitment requires action.  

How do you know if you’re just interested or if you’re committed? If you have some ideas of changes you’d like to make in the new year, think about each thing and see how it lines up with the “interested” or the “committed” thoughts below.  

Interested thoughts (you allow things to get in the way of your goal):

  • My boss gave me a tight deadline, so I can’t go to the gym today (goal is to exercise every day)
  • I’m too tired to meditate this morning (goal is to meditate every morning)
  • It’s too cold to go for a run today (goal is to run 4x a week)
  • I deserve to have this treat because my day was so stressful (goal is to eat less sugar)
  • I just finished a big project so I’m treating myself to a purchase (goal is to spend less)
  • I don’t feel like it today
  • This is too hard

Committed thoughts (your goal is your priority):

  • I’m going to do this no matter what
  • This is worth it even if it’s hard sometimes
  • I can do hard things
  • I’m choosing to make this a priority for me today
  • Even though it’s cold out, I’m still going to do it
  • This is important to me so I’m going to stick with my plan

Your turn: Are you committed to making changes in your life or are you just interested? What would happen if you don’t make the change you say you want to make? What would happen and who would you become if you did?

As we head into the New Year, reflect on what your wins were for 2021. What do you want to do or be better at in 2022? What new results do you want to create for yourself?

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What if you started your day differently?

You’re in charge.

Do you look at your phone and check email the minute you wake up?

I did this when I worked in private equity. Every morning, my alarm would go off and since it was on my phone, I turned it off and had my phone in my hand. So naturally, I’d immediately check my emails to see what my day might look like.

It seems like a productive thing to do, right? To “prepare for your day.”

I want to offer that when you do this, your day might appear to “come at” you.

All the requests from other people and all the time you need to spend on emailing others for info, looking for info, and creating responses once you have the info. Along with the other meetings and projects you had planned to do that day. It might be overwhelming. Starting your day immediately feeling overwhelmed likely doesn’t contribute to productivity in a way that serves you.

What would happen if you didn’t look at your phone and check emails the minute you wake up?

I’ve talked to clients who said they feel anxious just thinking about not checking email first thing.

What if instead, you have an alarm that’s separate from your phone? And what if you took five minutes after waking up to start your day in a way that you want.

This could look like intentional breathing, a short meditation, or some gentle movement and stretches for your body.

It could look like lying in bed and recalling a dream you had or just savoring those five minutes for yourself.

It could look like writing down your thoughts or drinking a glass of water to rehydrate your body and feeling it flow through your system.

It could look any way you want it to look. This creates space for you to step into your day the way you want to. Instead of having your day come at you.

Your turn: How would your days change if you stepped into them the way you want to? What would happen if you start by exploring with five minutes to yourself at the start of your day, without your phone? And what if you could stretch that to 10 minutes? What about 20 or 30 minutes?

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Why you’re behaving that way

Our feelings fuel us.

Everything we do in our life is because we want to feel a certain way. Everything we want in our life is because of a feeling–the feeling that we think we’ll have in getting it or the feeling we think we’ll avoid in not getting it. This is really good to know. 

And if we know that our feelings are caused by our thoughts and that what we do in our life is in order to feel better, wouldn’t it be important to know what you’re thinking? 

We’ve already talked about circumstances, which are the facts that happen in our lives and which we usually don’t have control over. We’ve also talked about how we think about those circumstances creates our feelings. It’s not the circumstances that create our feelings.

Our feelings are also important because they drive all of our actions. Feelings are the fuel for our actions. So when someone asks me, “Why am I not taking action?” It’s because of the way they feel. Or if they’re taking an action they don’t want to be taking, it’s because of the way they feel. So our feelings are driving our actions. And then our actions are always going to create the results we get–sometimes they’re results we want or results we don’t want in our life. Our actions create our results.

But our actions stem from our feelings and our feelings come from our thoughts. So if we want different results, ultimately, we need to think different thoughts.

So sometimes the reason why we don’t take a certain action is to avoid a feeling we think will happen after taking that action. This can look like declining a big opportunity because we’re feeling doubt and thinking something along the lines of, “I might fail and I don’t want to feel the dejection of failure.” 

Other times, we feel a certain way and because we feel that way, we either take or don’t take action. This can look like feeling nervous because we’re thinking, “I don’t want to look stupid in front of everyone,” so we don’t offer our opinion in a meeting. Or we feel hurt because we’re thinking, “He should want to spend more time with me,” which causes us to disconnect from our partner, which is an action that doesn’t serve us or our relationships–it’s actually the opposite of what we want here.

When we have results in our lives that we don’t want, it’s good to be aware that it’s our actions that are creating them. And where do our actions come from? The way we’re feeling. And where does the way we’re feeling come from? The way we’re thinking about our circumstances. 

To create different results, we need to think different thoughts.

Your turn: What feelings are fueling your actions? What actions are you taking when you experience those feelings? And what results are your actions creating for you? Do you like the results you’re getting?

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Are you struggling to make healthy changes?

Sometimes your brain gets in the way.

Why is it so hard sometimes to make changes in our lives that have long-term benefits?

Because of how our brains have evolved. The prefrontal cortex is the part of our brain that makes us human. It can plan and think about what it’s thinking about. Our primal, lower brain is the same brain that animals have. It wants to be efficient, avoid pain, and seek pleasure–the Motivational Triad.

Change is new and different. We’re not used to doing new things. So the primal brain doesn’t get to be efficient when we’re implementing changes. It wants to go back to doing what it knows how to do and what it’s already good at doing. The easy stuff that we’ve been doing, which isn’t getting us the results we want in our lives.

When we’re making changes in our lives, we’re usually also experiencing discomfort. Whether it’s because we’re waking up earlier, eating less sugar, drinking less alcohol, feeling deprived, moving our bodies more, or spending less money. We’ve been used to the instant gratification, which is what the brain likes–the seeking of pleasure and the avoidance of pain. Doing these new things doesn’t give us instant gratification. But it will give us long-term benefits.

How do we push past the discomfort? It’s not by using willpower. It goes back to processing and allowing feelings. And to using our prefrontal cortex.

We use our prefrontal cortex to make plans to implement long-term change. But our primal brain likes to try to override these plans because it wants to be efficient, avoid pain, and seek pleasure. So we make a plan first—and know that the primal brain will try to impose.

If we want to stop overeating, we decide 24 hours ahead of time what we’re going to eat and eat only that.

If we want to stop overdrinking, we decide 24 hours ahead of time how many drinks we’re going to have and have only that.

If we want to stop overspending, we decide 24 hours ahead of time how much we’ll spend and spend only that.

The primal brain will create urges. So when we have an urge to overeat, we have to allow that urge to be there and feel it. Usually the urge will pass if we’re not fighting against it.

When we have an urge to buy something new, we allow it the urge to be there and feel it. And let it pass and stick to our spending plan.

When we have an urge to do anything that deviates from our plan, we allow that urge and let it pass without fighting it or thinking we need to answer that urge.

It might seem impossible. But once you start practicing allowing urges, it can become easier.

Your turn: Think about the last time you did something that seemed impossible for you to do. But then you decided to do it and you did it. When you actually did it, what did you think of it afterwards? The fact that you did it probably felt gratifying and instilled the confidence that you could do it again if you wanted to. What would happen if you made a plan 24 hours in advance and allowed an urge to be there without answering it? How would doing that bring you closer to the results you want in your life?

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Are you in “emotional adulthood”?

Or “emotional childhood”?

Last week we talked about how our thoughts create our feelings. Our circumstances don’t create our feelings. What we think about our circumstances–our thoughts–create our feelings.

I know I’ve said this same thing in various ways, but repetition increases retention. And this is important if we want to take back our power.

Emotional childhood occurs when grown adults have not matured past childhood in terms of managing their emotions. This means they react to their emotions, act out, or avoid emotions rather than taking full responsibility and choosing thoughts that will create more desirable and appropriate emotions. Emotional childhood is not taking responsibility for how we feel.

We call ourselves adults, but most of us are still functioning as emotional children. It’s not something we do on purpose—most of our parents still function as emotional children, which perpetuates the cycle. But we’re responsible for how we feel in each moment–we’re in charge of how we think, and we’re in charge of how we feel. When we’re functioning as emotional children, we’re blaming other people for how we feel, how we act, and for the results we get in our life.

We’re not taught in high school or college how to be emotional adults. But once we’ve reached adulthood, our brains are developed enough to be able to understand what we’re thinking, and therefore we can decide what to think and what to feel in any given moment, no matter what anyone else does in our lives.

As children, we don’t have this capacity. We think everything going on in our lives is what causes our feelings, and this is perpetuated by the adults that raise us. Adults are used to making comments to children like, “Sarah, you really hurt that little girl’s feelings. You need to say you’re sorry for hurting her feelings” or “Did it hurt your feelings when that boy said those mean words to you?”

We teach children at a young age that other people are responsible for how we feel, and it becomes so ingrained in us that we don’t even question it or recognize that it’s disempowering.

While children don’t have the capacity to make this distinction, many people continue to function this way as adults. Not only is this a debilitating way to live, but it also traps you in a space of blame. We blame the weather, the economy, the government, our bosses, other people, ex-partners, our mothers, our fathers, and our childhood. We blame people not only for how we feel, but for the actions we take and the results we get in our lives.

Emotional adulthood behaviors occur when we take responsibility for how we feel and make choices for how we want to feel. When we do this, we become more empowered and get to be the people we really want to be instead of being in this automatic emotional childhood space. Instead of acting like an out of control child, we can allow ourselves to feel our feelings without acting out to avoid or distract from them, or blame others. 

This is a powerful place to be. It’s a place where you have complete control over your life. Sometimes it sounds as if emotional adulthood won’t be fun and exciting—being a child sounds so much better—but the opposite is true. Being dependent on someone else as an adult, when you don’t need to be, is the most disempowering thing you can do.

When learning this concept, it can be easy to criticize and judge yourself for any thoughts, feelings, or actions you don’t like in yourself. When we go from blaming other people for the way we feel to learning to take responsibility, we may turn the blame on ourselves. This can look like, “So this whole time, I’ve been the one causing the problem? I’m such a terrible person!”

That’s not the intention of this process. The intention is to help you notice “OK, so if I feel this way or act this way, it’s because of the way I’m thinking.” You can be curious about it and treat yourself with kindness. Now, you know that you can change if you choose to.

Being an adult requires more effort and responsibility than staying in emotional childhood. Taking that step toward managing yourself and your mind so you aren’t dependent on other people for how you think, feel, or act is transformative. Try it. It’s worth it.

Your turn: Are you open to exploring how you can take more responsibility for your feelings? How can you stop blaming and giving your power away? If you could do this, how would it change the results you’re getting in your life?

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Stop giving your power away

You’re in charge of how you feel

Last week we talked about how to process and allow painful emotions. It’s easy to think that external circumstances like other people, things, outcomes, and events, cause us to feel a certain way. What really causes us to feel a certain way is how we think about those external circumstances. 

Do you know why circumstances don’t cause our feelings? Because two different people could experience the exact same circumstance, but depending on how each of them thinks about the circumstance, their thoughts will create their feelings. So it’s not the circumstance. It’s the thoughts.

For example, one person gets cut off while driving. She could immediately get angry and vengeful and try to cut that other person off because she’s thinking, “This person is a jerk! How dare he do that to me. I’ll show him!” And sometimes this anger can start a spiral of negative thoughts and emotions for the rest of the day.

Another person who gets cut off while driving could feel some annoyance but then get over it easily because he’s thinking, “Yikes! I know how it feels to be in a rush like that and I’ve done that type of thing before without meaning to.” Some initial annoyance, but pretty quickly letting it go and not letting it ruin his day.

Same circumstance, but different thoughts, which create different feelings–and ultimately, different results. 

When we let other people have so much control over our feelings, we’re giving our power away to them. We’re saying, “How you’re behaving/what you’re saying/what’s happening ‘out there’ is determining how I feel, so I have no control over my feelings.”

But we do have control. That control is in our thoughts. Our thoughts are where our power lies.

Most of the time, we make other people’s words and actions mean something about us and we think we have to protect ourselves from something, protect our egos. 

For example, when a colleague offers another way of doing something than what we suggested, we might get defensive because we might think, “He doesn’t respect my opinion.” Then we may feel angry and defensive because we made it mean something about ourselves–usually something related to “I’m not good enough.” Then we proceed to act in a certain way that deteriorates our relationship with that colleague. 

What if instead we thought, “He could be offering a more efficient way to do it. Let’s see if it can work”? That thought will create a totally different feeling. We didn’t make our colleague’s words/actions mean anything about ourselves. We didn’t take it personally or need to defend ourselves. This other thought might create the feeling of “curiosity” or “openness,” which leads us to collaborate with that colleague in a cooperative way. 

Two different outcomes because of two different thoughts–but the circumstances were the same.  Starting to see a pattern? 😉

When we take responsibility for our feelings, we stop giving our power away to other people and situations. We are in charge of how we think and feel. 

When we take responsibility for our feelings, we are in emotional adulthood instead of emotional childhood.

More about emotional adulthood and childhood next week!

Your turn: What are you making someone’s words or actions mean about yourself? What if their words or actions don’t have to mean anything about you? Are you open to becoming more aware of the thoughts you’re thinking and how they’re creating your feelings? What are the three most frequent emotions you feel during a typical day? What are the thoughts creating those emotions? 

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Sometimes our feelings hurt…a lot

And what if that’s OK?

All of us experience emotional pain at regular intervals in our lives. We often turn to food, alcohol, shopping, work, or something else to ignore the pain we feel. These actions are called buffering (more on that soon). These temporary distractions only prevent the process that needs to happen to let the painful feelings go.

What happens when feelings hurt:
• Something happens to trigger your emotional pain.
• You can barely make sense of it and it overwhelms you.
• Emotional pain racks your body—the vibrations in your body caused by the thoughts you’re having are excruciating.

You can make a choice to: avoid it, resist it, react to it, or process it.

Avoiding
When you choose to avoid your pain and pretend it isn’t there, you are basically lying to yourself. This doesn’t work long term. The truth is that avoidance causes pain to fester. The more you avoid it, the more you have to avoid it. You might eat, for example, instead of feel. Then you might get upset because you ate when you weren’t hungry. Then you might obsess about your body or your exercise routine. All of these tactics keep you from addressing the cause of the pain and instead, multiply undesirable symptoms such as weight gain.

Resisting and Reacting
When you resist the emotion, you tell yourself that you shouldn’t be feeling this way and then you feel bad in addition to the painful emotion you’re already feeling. When you resist, it’s like trying to hold a large beach ball under the water. The beach ball always wants to pop back up and gets stronger the more you try to push it down.

When you deal with pain this way, you act it out or fight against it. You might yell at the person you believe caused your pain. You might talk behind their back, you might give them the silent treatment, or maybe take even more drastic measures against them. This may seem to help with the pain temporarily because it alleviates the vibration in the moment, but these actions almost always backfire.

When we react from negative emotion, we almost always get a negative result. Our actions are usually uncontrolled and unthoughtful. Fighting against the emotion becomes a losing battle–anxiety speeds up the vibration of the already painful emotion, making it even more intense.

Processing
When you choose to process pain, you are choosing to feel it. We are so reluctant to feel pain on purpose. We tell ourselves that feeling pain is a bad thing because it feels bad, but this isn’t the truth. When we allow ourselves to feel our pain all the way through, we see that it’s manageable and it can do no long term harm (unlike avoiding and fighting, which can have many long term consequences).

Allow the feeling to be in your body even if you can’t make sense of it in your mind yet. Watch and notice. Say in your mind “I am processing pain” over and over as you feel the pain. You don’t need to fix it or make it go away.

Notice any desire to react, resist, and avoid. You can say the desire out loud or in your mind, or write it down. You don’t have to act on it—just acknowledge it. You can tell yourself, “That won’t help” or “That’s not worth it” every time you notice the desire. Remind yourself, “This is pain…This is part of being human.” Allow the painful vibration to be there as you do laundry, take a shower, drive your car, or talk on the phone. Notice its heaviness, its energy, its ability to take your breath away. Just notice.

As you do this, you’ll begin to see that your thoughts about the situation appear. It may take some time–a few minutes, a few hours, a few days, or a few weeks. Let it take as long as it takes—there’s no need to force it. Just keep noticing what you notice.

Your turn: What happens to the feeling if you just allow it to be there and feel it all the way through? What happens if you’re allowed to feel this way without reacting, resisting, or avoiding the emotion?

Next week we’ll talk about how our thoughts about our circumstances/situations create our feelings. It’s easy to think our circumstances (other people, our job, our neighborhood, traffic, etc.) create our feelings. It’s all our thoughts. And that’s where our power lies.

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