Is judging yourself working?

June 1, 2023 ~ The Healing Modalities ~ Leave a comment

Try self-compassion instead.

How does our self-compassion motivate us differently than our self-judgment?

Most of us are used to judging or punishing ourselves into action. This might sound like:

“I’m so fat, I need to workout extra hard today.”

“I’m such a loser, I have to figure out how to make more money.”

“My life sucks, I need to find a partner.”

“I’m a mess, I have to get this right.”

Whatever it is, we think mean things about ourselves in order to “motivate” us to do what we think we need to do in order to feel better about ourselves. “If I stop beating myself up, if I accept myself the way I am, I’ll get complacent and lazy, and never change.”

We think we need to beat ourselves up in order to take helpful actions. We might be in a rush to get “over there” because we think that’s when we’ll feel better about ourselves. Beating ourselves up may have gotten us results in the past, but at what cost to our relationship with ourselves?

When we have a self-judging narrative, everything we do can feel punishing:

Instead of seeing a healthy plate of food that will nourish our body, we see a restrictive, limited diet
Instead of doing a workout and celebrating what our body can do, we see it as a way to punish ourselves for “not eating right”
Instead of staying happy in a new relationship, we find ways to prove that we’re not worthy of happiness
Instead of celebrating our awareness of how we negatively talk to ourselves, we beat ourselves up for beating ourselves up!

Kindness, love, and respect for ourselves doesn’t start when we hit a certain goal of ours.

In fact, when we do hit that goal without doing the work of self-compassion and acceptance, the reward will likely be temporary and we might still not like ourselves the way we thought we would when we finally get “over there” by hitting that goal. It’s because achieving goals doesn’t create our feelings. Our thoughts create our feelings.

Kindness, love, and respect for ourselves can start right now, exactly as we are.

Decide that that’s possible.

When we have compassion and acceptance for ourselves exactly as we are at this time, we can start making the changes we want to see in our lives from a place of care, love, and patience.

It’s about our relationship with ourselves. So that in the long-run, we are where we want to be with ourselves and in our lives, loving and accepting ourselves along the way. No matter what.

Your turn: Are you open to feeling accepting of yourself as you are? If not, what’s getting in the way? What are some of the self-judging thoughts you’re aware of? What are some self-compassionate thoughts you can have about yourself instead? What would happen today if you found some self-compassion for yourself in a situation where you usually beat yourself up?

Feeling challenged by finding more self-compassionate thoughts? Book an exploratory session here to build your self-compassion practice.

Subscribe if you want to receive this content directly in your inbox.

Work with me: Want to see how self-care is transformative and can help create a more meaningful life in which you start committing to yourself and show up the way you want? I can show you how. I offer first-time seekers a complimentary 60-minute exploratory session. Sign up here.

What’s on your mind? It can be powerful to learn from each other and our common struggles when it comes to our practice of self-care–or just being a human being. If you have something you’re struggling with and would like some perspective, share it here. Your issue may be chosen and addressed in the next post–it’ll be totally anonymous.

“I don’t deserve to ____”

May 25, 2023 ~ The Healing Modalities ~ Leave a comment

Look at your Power Sentences.

How we think about ourselves and our lives contributes to how we take care of ourselves (or don’t take care of ourselves).

We have sentences in our minds that run our life. Mostly without our awareness of them.

These are called Power Sentences.

They’re powerful because they affect the results we create in our lives, usually by providing more evidence that the thought (Power Sentence) is “true.”

When we’ve practiced thinking a thought over and over, it becomes a belief. Beliefs “feel true” even though they are just thoughts that we’ve thought over and over.

And if our thoughts/beliefs create the results we get in our life, let’s start to become aware of these Power Sentences.

Some examples of unintentional and unconscious Power Sentences are:

“I’m not good enough.”
“I can never get it right.”
“I don’t deserve to have what I want.”
“It’s always so hard for me.”
“Things don’t work out for me.”

What might these types of thoughts prove true in our lives?

It’s possible for us to think and practice new thoughts and beliefs – new Power Sentences – ON PURPOSE. Ones that SERVE our lives more than the current unintentional, unconscious thoughts and beliefs.

We must find the sentence that is running our life so we can make sure it is conscious and intentional.

The goal is to uncover our main Power Sentence, and make sure it’s what we want it to be.

Here’s an exercise to consider for finding your Power Sentence(s):

Who are you? What are you doing with your life? (Answer with one sentence only.)
Are you doing it consciously?
- Is this who you want to be?
- Is this what you want to be doing with your life?

When you look at your life as a result, you can see the SENTENCE CAUSING IT.
What are the results you have vs. the results you want?
Look at the effect of your sentences.

Here are some intentional, conscious Power Sentences to try on:

“I am always enough as I am.”
“I’m willing to figure out the things that are important to me.”
“I’m deserving of what I want in my life.”
“Everything happens FOR me to grow and learn.”
“I embrace all challenges.”
“I have value to contribute.”
“I am an extraordinary/amazing human being.”

What might these types of thoughts prove true in our lives?

Your turn: What are you discovering about your Power Sentences? What Power Sentences do you want to start practicing on purpose? What experiences do you want to create in your life to become even more of who you want to be?

Subscribe if you want to receive this content directly in your inbox.

When you trust yourself

May 18, 2023 ~ The Healing Modalities ~ Leave a comment

Learn how.

There are different ways we learn how to trust (or not trust) ourselves. One of these ways is by doing (or not doing) what we say we’ll do–especially when it comes to ourselves.

Most of the time, we do what we say we’ll do for other people. This is because we know the consequences of not following through: the other person will feel let down and disappointed and possibly change how they think about us, and then we’ll feel guilty for having disappointed them and think we need to make up for it somehow.

But what happens when we say we’ll do something for ourselves and then we don’t do it? Let’s say we put an hour on our calendar to do one of the following things: go to the gym, do a yoga class, take a walk, read for leisure, or cook a healthy meal.

But we end up blowing ourselves off during that hour by using that time to keep working, scroll on social media, go out for drinks instead, or do something else besides what we had planned for ourselves.

When we’re the ones not keeping our commitment to ourselves, we feel a double whammy–we’re the ones who are let down and disappointed AND we’re the ones feeling guilty about letting ourselves down. That feels doubly bad. And yet we might not even feel the need to make up for it.

Knowing this feeling, the next time we go to make a commitment to ourselves, we might avoid disappointing ourselves and feeling guilty about it ahead of time, so we might think, “Why bother? I’m not gonna do it anyway.”

And then nothing moves forward with keeping commitments and building trust with ourselves.

That’s how a defeating mindset begins when we think about making commitments to ourselves. We diminish our trust with ourselves when we don’t follow through on what we say we’re going to do for ourselves.

To build trust with ourselves, we can take small steps. “Today I’m going to get up from my desk at 2pm and drink a glass of water and walk around the office/house for five minutes.”

And then at 2pm, we do what we say. We get up, drink a glass of water, and walk around for five minutes.

When we do this, there’s a sense of empowerment, a sense of accomplishing something and fulfilling a promise to ourselves–no matter how small. “It feels good to do what I said I would!” Celebrate that and remember the feeling.

This is how we start to strengthen the muscle of trusting ourselves more, knowing that we can have our own back. We can continue to make another small commitment to keep each day–it could be the same one!–until it’s just automatic for us to keep our word to ourselves. Until it feels uncomfortable when we don’t keep our word to ourselves.

When we get even better at keeping commitments to ourselves, we build even more trust with ourselves. We start to know what it truly feels like to have our own back–no matter what.

Your turn: You make decisions based on you and what you want for yourself; no one else can make these decisions for you. When you trust yourself to have your back no matter what the outcome is, there is no “wrong” decision. Just an opportunity to learn more about yourself and what you want or don’t want. What are you willing to do today to build even more trust with yourself?

Subscribe if you want to receive this content directly in your inbox.

Take care of your Future Self

May 11, 2023 ~ The Healing Modalities ~ Leave a comment

Do it today.

A couple weeks ago, we talked about thinking about our Future Self and what our Future Self knows. We talked about creating from a place of what our Future Self knows.

In thinking about our Future Self, what we’re doing TODAY contributes to what and who our Future Self will be.

Today, if we don’t overeat, we are taking care of our tomorrow Future Self who won’t feel lethargic and guilty for overeating.

Today, if we don’t overdrink, we are taking care of our tomorrow Future Self who won’t feel hungover and waste a day away.

Today, if we spend an hour working on the report, we are taking care of our next-week Future Self who won’t need to scramble at the last minute to finish the report, like we usually do.

Today, if we plan our running schedule and start it, we are taking care of our next-month Future Self who can run 5 miles in preparation for the 12 mile run we committed to in three months.

Today, if we decide to finally leave the toxic relationship we’re in, we are taking care of our 6-month later Future Self who is in a healthier relationship with someone else.

Today, if we create a monthly payment plan to pay off our debt and choose on each of the following months to stick with the plan, we are taking care of our one-year later Future Self who no longer has debt.

We get to decide today with our actions how we are taking care of our Future Selves.

Your turn: What will you decide to do today to take care of your Future Self . . . what about tomorrow? Next week? Next month? In six months? In a year? In five years?

Subscribe if you want to receive this content directly in your inbox.

Wish we learned this in school

May 4, 2023 ~ The Healing Modalities ~ Leave a comment

Who’s responsible?

We’ve all likely heard the saying that “You’re responsible for your own happiness.” It likely makes sense on an intellectual level, but how many of us actually embrace this?

If we’re responsible for our own happiness, that means we take responsibility for how we’re feeling–with ANY emotion.

But when we were younger, we learned the opposite from adults and even in school. We hear adults say, “You hurt Jimmy’s feelings. Say sorry!” or “Did she hurt your feelings by doing that?” And we’d likely think that “Yes, she hurt my feelings by doing that.”

Eleanor Roosevelt is quoted as saying, “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”

What’s really going on is that we’re making what someone else says or does mean something about ourselves. We’re basically agreeing with what they said or did, which is the only way something can hurt us—if we let it. If we think it’s somehow true about us or if we somehow deserve it.

Again, intellectually, this may make some sense. Living it and practicing it can be harder though, because we’ve been conditioned to believe that we cause other people’s feelings and that other people cause ours.

But we know from the Model that our thoughts create our feelings. It’s not the external circumstance that creates our feelings, even though it’s so easy to think that the circumstance is causing us to feel something. It’s what we’re thinking about the circumstance that creates our feelings. Our thinking creates our feelings.

So in that sense, we can see how we ARE responsible for what we feel. Once we really become aware that this is how it works, we can be intentional about how we want to feel. Which means being intentional about how we are thinking.

I think some of us have a misconception that someone else is supposed to help our lives be great. When we relinquish ourselves from taking this responsibility, who do we think it belongs to?

I used to want someone to come save me from my life when I was feeling dissatisfied and like things were missing from my life.

You know what was missing from my life? ME. I wanted someone else to take the responsibility that is mine, to help my life become better than it was. To create more income for me, to find opportunities for me, to find a partner for me, to find a place for me to live, to help me eat healthy meals, to take care of me. How could someone else do this if I wasn’t willing to do it for myself?

No one is going to do it for us. No one is going to live our lives for us. That’s our responsibility. We get to take care of ourselves and our lives. Intentionally.

We have everything we need within us to take responsibility.

And that is great news. Because then we realize we can have the exact life we want when we take responsibility for creating it and caring for ourselves along the way. Intentionally.

Your turn: What have you been giving responsibility to someone or something else to fulfill for you? Are you willing to take responsibility for this? How might your life be different if you started taking even more responsibility for what you want? How might your life be different if you practiced intentional self-care?

Dive Deeper: Do you feel any resistance to the idea of taking responsibility in this way? If yes, why? What if those thoughts are just limiting beliefs about what’s possible for you?

Want to learn more about the Model and how your thoughts create your feelings? Sign-up for an exploratory session here.

Subscribe if you want to receive this content directly in your inbox.

What your Future Self knows

April 27, 2023 ~ The Healing Modalities ~ Leave a comment

It’s happening.

Many of us are used to looking to our past to determine what our future could be.

We may think, “Well, I’ve only made $75,000 a year before, so I’m not sure if I’ll be able to make more than that” or “I’ve never lost 30 pounds before, so I don’t know if I can do it” or just “I haven’t done that before, so I probably can’t do it.”

When we really look at those thoughts, it’s almost silly that we’d think them. Just because we haven’t done something before doesn’t mean that we’ll likely be unable to do it. That’s just an easy excuse, a way to shut out possibility.

If we’re basing what’s possible on our past, then yes, we will only be able to see what’s possible based on what we’ve already done.

But if we want to go beyond what we’ve done before, we need to look to our future and keep our focus there.

But what gets in the way now of achieving seemingly impossible goals?

We may be able to make a list of “things” that get in the way, but really, it’s mostly just our thoughts. Which create feelings. Like fear, doubt, defeat. Ahead of time.

Remember, thoughts create our feelings, feelings drive our actions, and our actions (or inactions) produce the results we get.

So let’s think thoughts that create the feelings: determined, focused, excited, passionate.

Our Future Self believes in what’s possible.

Our Future Self knows that they can do it.

Our Future Self is living the dream—has made the money, lost the weight, stopped drinking, has the partner, feels good.

So instead of thinking thoughts that create obstacles towards our goals and the feeling of “defeated” ahead of time, we can choose thoughts that create momentum and the feeling of “determined.”

What does our Future Self who’s already achieved the goal think and feel? Let’s start thinking some of those thoughts. Let’s start feeling some of those feelings.

When we choose intentional thoughts on purpose about what’s possible for us, we get to feel the intentional feelings created by those thoughts. Then we get to be intentional with our actions and inactions. And ultimately, we can create the results we want.

Your turn: What do you want to create in your life and why? What would you get to believe and think about yourself when you achieve that goal? What would you get to feel when you achieve that goal? What if those thoughts and feelings are all available for you to believe and feel about yourself right now? Guess what? They are.

What do you REALLY want?

April 20, 2023 ~ The Healing Modalities ~ Leave a comment

Allow yourself to desire.

Sometimes we don’t allow ourselves to tell the truth about what we REALLY want.

We anticipate the feeling of disappointment ahead of time and think, “I’ll feel so disappointed if it doesn’t happen. I don’t want to feel disappointed, so I just won’t think about it.”

Is feeling disappointed a good reason to not allow ourselves to desire or want something? Disappointment is a vibration in our body that happens when we think something like, “It’s not happening,” or “This isn’t what I wanted,” or “It’s never going to work out.”

Yes, disappointment is an uncomfortable feeling. If we know how to process our feelings, we can let disappointment flow through us instead of getting stuck. We can realize that as “bad” as disappointment feels, it is still just a vibration in our body that can pass through us if we allow it to. When we resist the feeling of disappointment is when it can seem stronger and more persistent than it needs to be. And what if we are willing to feel disappointed? It can stop being something scary to avoid.

When we want something, not getting it or not having it happen is the worst case scenario. And for some reason, the worst case scenario is usually what we think about.

But what if we allowed ourselves to give the BEST case scenario equal air time in our thoughts? What’s the best case scenario of our desire? That we get what we want. That what we want happens.

What might it be like to allow ourselves to fully desire something? Without the “what if it doesn’t happen?” part? What would that feel like?

I want to offer that it can feel empowering and tingly and even FUN to allow ourselves to fully desire something. And who says the best case scenario won’t happen?

Your turn: What are you not allowing yourself to fully desire? Why? What might you create in your life if you allowed yourself to fully desire something? Are you open to playing with that idea?

Subscribe if you want to receive this content directly in your inbox.

Connect with your body

April 13, 2023April 13, 2023 ~ The Healing Modalities ~ Leave a comment

Listen to yourself.

I was in the emergency department earlier this week because my heart rate was elevated for an extended period of time. I’m sharing the info in this post as a reminder to myself and to you about what listening to and honoring our bodies can look like. Sometimes our wills are stronger than what our bodies want from us and we don’t listen or pay attention to our body’s signals. I am listening to myself even more attentively going forward!

——–

How many of us know how to connect with and listen to our body’s signals and messages to us? Most of us didn’t really learn how to do this anywhere. In fact, we were likely taught the opposite–how to ignore and disregard our bodies: to keep going when we’re tired, to push through the pain to get it done, to always be productive and go after the next thing.

After undergoing emergency open-heart surgery that saved my life and while going through the recovery process, I finally learned better how to listen to and honor my body. In actuality, it was because I didn’t know how to do that sooner that I got to the place of needing emergency open-heart surgery. I wasn’t understanding my body’s signals that led to my body’s illness.

In the past, when I wasn’t feeling well, I didn’t allow myself to rest without feeling guilty, like I shouldn’t be taking the time off. And guess what happened when I felt guilty for resting when my body needed it? I created more stress because I was feeling guilty about resting and thinking I should be doing something else!

Resting when our bodies need it can be a hostile cycle if we’re not aware of what’s going on in our minds during the time. Part of us knows that we need rest and another part of us thinks about all the other things we “should” be doing but aren’t. So while we’re resting, there’s cognitive dissonance–we’re not at peace with our decision to rest.

One way to be at peace with resting and caring for ourselves is to be compassionate with ourselves, to accept that we need to rest, and to consciously choose to rest: “I am choosing to rest and care for myself. There is nothing else I need to do right now. This is important and resting will allow me to do the things I want to do later.” This may help to decrease cognitive dissonance.

This relates to more than just resting. It relates to what we choose to eat, drink, and do with our bodies, as well.

So, instead of ignoring my body’s messages, I learned to slow down and check-in with my body, to familiarize myself with its signals. I learned to ask the questions: “At what cost?” and “What can I do to take care of myself in this moment?”

And when the answer came, I gave myself permission to listen to and honor it. It could mean deciding to sleep in instead of going to the gym, or remembering to breathe deeply, or drinking some water, or choosing to eat (or not eat) something, or canceling evening plans after an unexpectedly tiring day at work.

A realization that I came to while learning to listen to and honor my body more, was that by not listening to my body, I was disrespecting and disregarding myself.

Self-care became a way to show myself respect and love, to regard myself with attention. How often do we expect love, respect, and attention from others when we might not even be giving these things to ourselves?

In the past, I thought that by pushing past my body’s needs, I was “being responsible” and getting things done that I thought I needed to do. But by not taking care of my body, that was actually being irresponsible. I see that now, but I didn’t see it in the past–likely because many of our social messages told me the opposite.

When we begin connecting to our body even more, we learn how to regard our body with attention, to listen to what our body needs. Then we can honor it by supporting it in a healthy, caring, respectful way.

Your turn: What can you do today to start connecting to your body more? Are you open to asking yourself the questions: “At what cost?” and “What can I do to take care of myself in this moment?” What might happen if you decided to give care and attention to yourself, to slow down and check-in with your body first?

Subscribe if you want to receive this content directly in your inbox.

How you show up

April 6, 2023 ~ The Healing Modalities ~ Leave a comment

You choose.

Many of us head into our days haphazardly. We might not have a morning routine established yet where we get to step into our day, but our day seems to “come at” us instead.

One quick practice that can impact our day is setting an intention for how we want to show up that day.

The way I talk about showing up means not just being in the room or being somewhere, but how we interact with ourselves and how we interact with others. On purpose.

We can decide in the morning what our intention is for showing up today. We can decide how we want to show up for ourselves and we can decide how we want to show up for others.

An intention for showing up for ourselves can sound like this:

“I want to show up for myself today by acknowledging what’s good in my life.”

“I want to show up for myself today by honoring my commitments.”

“I want to show up for myself today by telling the truth to myself.”

An intention for showing up for others can sound like this:

“I want to show up for others today by hearing what they have to say.”

“I want to show up for others today by being compassionate towards them.”

“I want to show up for others today by being patient with them.”

We can choose on purpose. And it doesn’t mean we do it 100% that day. But we can start. And we can keep practicing.

Your turn: What intention do you want to set for showing up for yourself today? For showing up for others? What intentions might you turn into habits? What awareness do you want to bring to this practice?

Other ideas for showing up: by being honest, by being curious, by being creative, by being fun and excited, by actively listening, by creating peace, by choosing love no matter what. What else would you like to practice?

Subscribe if you want to receive this content directly in your inbox.

Give yourself permission

March 30, 2023 ~ The Healing Modalities ~ Leave a comment

And get used to it.

In the past, I didn’t give myself permission to ask for help. I didn’t give myself permission to set boundaries. I didn’t give myself permission to feel my feelings. I didn’t give myself permission to consider what success really looked like and meant for me. I just accepted what other people and society told me success looked like and meant. I didn’t consider broader possibilities for myself.

I put myself in a box that I thought was a “good” box. I was doing the things I was “supposed to” do and was doing a great job with them.

Or so I thought.

I thought the armor that I put on each day was masking the insecurity and weaknesses I felt. Maybe to others, it looked like I had it all together. Maybe not. But while I thought the armor was protecting me, it was actually keeping me separated from what I really wanted and who I could become.

Because I didn’t even know who I wanted to become. By my own choice, through my own decisions, and by knowing myself.

And now I do know. More than I did before. And I will keep learning more.

Part of this process began when I started to give myself permission to take off the armor. To know that the armor wasn’t necessary for who I wanted to be. That armor was heavy and I didn’t even know it, until I didn’t have to put it on all the time.

I learned how to give myself permission for things that seem obvious now. To rest. To relax. To not feel guilty and obligated all the time. To let other people do some of the work. To ask for help. To say no. To say yes … to things like pleasure and joy and freedom. To believe new things.

Who do we think we need to ask permission from? Why? Who do we think we’ll get permission from, if not from ourselves?

Your turn: What are you not giving yourself permission to do, be, say, think, feel, believe, want, have? What would you really like to do, be, say, think, feel, believe, want, and have? Who do you need permission from? What might happen if you asked yourself permission? What might happen if you gave yourself permission?

Subscribe if you want to receive this content directly in your inbox.