What? I don’t have needs

Yes, you do. And that’s OK.

When I first learned that having needs is a part of the human experience and that it was “OK” to have needs, I felt embarrassed for myself. I thought, “What? I shouldn’t have needs.” 

I was conditioned to think that having needs was a weakness, that being “needy” was undesirable. So I was resistant to the idea of actually having needs. 

But as I learned more about feelings and needs via the Non-Violent Communication (“NVC”) philosophy by Marshall Rosenberg, I began to understand myself better. 

I learned how needs are an important part of our lives and for living fully and authentically. I started to accept that I DO have needs. I became more familiar with my needs and what they communicate to me and my lived experience. I became more connected to myself. 

In NVC, having needs is universal to all humans. It’s different than the dictionary definition for “need.” For example, here are a few universal human needs (here is a fuller list):

We know from the Model that our thoughts create our feelings. In NVC, we recognize that our feelings are also based on whether or not our needs are being met. When we have “met” or “unmet” needs, we’ll have a thought about what’s going on when our needs are met or unmet and then feel a feeling associated with that thought. 

NVC teaches us how to acknowledge our needs and make requests from other people to help meet our needs. However, we are ultimately responsible for meeting our own needs by connecting with and taking care of ourselves. 

Your turn: What needs of yours do you want to acknowledge and even embrace? How might doing this provide more connection to yourself and your lived experience? What do you want to learn more about needs and how to express them in healthy ways?

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