Ready to set boundaries?

November 10, 2022 ~ The Healing Modalities ~ Leave a comment

Feel uncomfortable.

We’ll be talking about boundaries for the next couple weeks, so we can get ready for the upcoming holidays with family members!

Sometimes people mix up setting boundaries with trying to control others. We do not create boundaries for other people. We create boundaries to take care of and protect ourselves.

Boundaries are not:

Ways to control or manipulate other people
Things you think other people should be doing (e.g. “I want my partner to clean the bathroom,” “I want my friend to call me back when I call her,” “I want my kid to clean her room.”)

We need to recognize when to use and talk about boundaries. This means having a clear sense of what and where our boundaries are. When we don’t have clear boundaries, people don’t know if they’re violating them or not.

When there is a clear boundary violation, such as someone speaking to us in a demeaning way or someone doing something in our home that’s not allowed, we have the boundary conversation.

The conversation includes making a clear request along with stating a clear consequence. The consequence is something that WE will do, an action or behavior that WE will take.

Here’s an example of a clear boundary: “If you smoke a cigarette in my house, I am going to ask you to leave my house. We don’t allow smoking here. This is what I will do if you smoke.”

It’s important to remember that the person we’re making the request of can continue to do whatever they would like to do. Human beings can smoke cigarettes if they want. It’s not a boundary violation until they come into our home or our car or our space.

Notice that when we make the request, “If you continue to do that, then I will…” the consequence is the behavior that WE will take. It’s not, “You need to stop smoking or else.” We’re making the request and then explaining what we will do as the consequence of not following that request.

OK, so why don’t we set boundaries? Because sometimes it’s difficult and uncomfortable to make these requests and establish consequences with the people in our lives.

Sometimes it’s so uncomfortable for us that we avoid making the requests. Or if we do make the requests, we don’t actually follow through on the consequences. Because that’s uncomfortable too–doing what we say we’ll do when someone violates a boundary means potentially risking our relationship with that person or facing their disapproval.

But then what happens when we don’t make these requests or when we don’t follow through on the consequences? People continue to violate our boundaries.

And we get upset and build up resentments. Usually we’re the only ones feeling this way, because the people who continue to violate our boundaries don’t think there are any consequences for doing so.

There’s a lot more to say about boundaries–more next week!

Your turn: Are you recognizing why you might not be setting boundaries that would benefit your life? What would you have to believe in order to make the requests and follow through on the consequences? How can you practice saying what you want to say instead of avoiding setting boundaries with people?

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Work with me: Want to see how self-care is transformative and can help create a more meaningful life in which you start committing to yourself and show up the way you want? I can show you how. I offer first-time seekers a complimentary 45-minute exploratory session. Sign up here.

What’s on your mind? It can be powerful to learn from each other and our common struggles when it comes to our practice of self-care–or just being a human being. If you have something you’re struggling with and would like some perspective, share it here. Your issue may be chosen and addressed in the next post–it’ll be totally anonymous.

When you can love “what is”

November 3, 2022 ~ The Healing Modalities ~ Leave a comment

Stop resisting.

Most of us are used to–and mostly unaware of–creating unnecessary emotional pain when we fight against reality by thinking thoughts like:

“It shouldn’t be this way.”

“This shouldn’t be happening.”

“I shouldn’t have to do this.”

“It” can be replaced with any of these: she, he, I, they, my weight, my life, etc.

“This” can stand in for whatever is happening that feels uncomfortable, undesirable, or unfair.

When we think these types of thoughts about something we have no control over or really can’t change, we’re resisting reality.

We’re spending emotional energy on it and wishing it were different. But if it’s something we can’t change, it’s not only pointless, but painful. And it doesn’t do anything to change what happened.

The opposite of resistance is acceptance. On the way from resistance to acceptance, there is non-resistance. And beyond acceptance, there is “loving what is.” That’s the big one.

When we start to practice non-resistance, when we start to acknowledge that we may be fighting against something that we can’t change and just let it be what it is, there can be peace and ease.

How do we know it was supposed to happen? Because it did.

That might be hard to swallow, but then there’s nothing to fight against. Then everything is going the way it’s supposed to go.

I know this is a big leap for many people, some high-level sh*t. Many people feel resistant to even thinking of this as a possibility for themselves. To let go of how things “should” be or “should” have happened, and let things just be as they are.

Maybe it’s not exactly “loving what is” yet, but what about some acceptance, or even some non-resistance? Instead of all the resistance, along with the emotional pain it brings.

This is not to say that we don’t change what is possible to change, or that we don’t move towards the change we want to see in our lives, or that we condone injustices.

But again, when we think injustices “shouldn’t” happen when they do in fact happen unfortunately all too often, we’re fighting against reality, resisting how things actually are in the world.

And that only creates emotional pain and suffering for ourselves. When we’re in pain, we usually aren’t taking the actions that create change.

Of course, we need to process the emotions we feel when something happens that we didn’t want to happen. The emotions of disappointment, frustration, sadness, anger, hurt, loss, or grief. And let it take as long as it takes to process them.

But how long do we want to keep wishing it didn’t happen and add suffering on top of those emotions?

When we can create more space for how things are, we surrender a little, we release some tension, we find some freedom. And that’s when we’ll get clear about what we really want and move towards creating the changes we want to see.

Your turn: What have you been resisting recently? What would happen if you allowed it to be what it is, without needing it to be different? How can the question, “How is this happening FOR me?” create some space in your experience?

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When you make positive changes

October 20, 2022 ~ The Healing Modalities ~ Leave a comment

Let it be hard.

When we want to make positive changes in our lives, it’s usually because we know we can be living in a more aligned way. Aligned to what?

Aligned to the version of ourselves we are becoming. Aligned to who we want to be. Aligned to the best version of ourselves. And it takes time, trial and error, and energy to know the direction we want to move towards.

When we make decisions to change, we recognize that our lives might feel out of alignment with who we know we can be. That doesn’t mean who we are right now is “wrong” or “bad” or “not good enough”–it just means we know we can grow even more than where we are right now.

I want to offer that this is part of showing care and love for ourselves, by wanting a healthier body, better relationships, finding our purpose, a job that will challenge us, being more present in our lives.

So we decide to make the changes we think will move us towards those goals.

We might feel motivated and inspired at first, when our thoughts about what we’re doing make it easy to start out. Thoughts like, “I can do this. This is easy. This feels good. I’m doing something right for myself.”

But then it starts getting hard. Most of the time, people don’t stick to what they say they want because it starts to get hard.

When it starts to get hard, we feel uncomfortable. Our brains want to go back to what was easy, comfortable, and familiar.

Even if that ease, comfort, and familiarity wasn’t in our best interests and is why we made the decision to create changes in our life in the first place.

When it gets hard, we may think:

“I don’t feel like it today.”

“I can keep scrolling for another 20 minutes.” (which turns into 60 minutes!)

“I miss him so much, I’ll just text him to see how he’s doing.”

These urges come up because we want to go back to what is easy, comfortable, and familiar. If we keep answering these urges by returning to what’s easy, comfortable, and familiar, we won’t get to the place where we pass through the “hard” part.

Instead, we can allow the urges–and any other feelings that come up–to be there without resisting or reacting to them. We can process them through instead.

So let it be hard. And keep doing it anyway.

Keep sticking to the plan. Keep remembering why this is important. It was a decision to want more for ourselves because we care about ourselves. To align with who we want to be and are becoming.

When we can let it be hard, we will pass through to the other side of it. Then it will just become a regular part of what we do in our lives, a part of who we are.

Your turn: Are you ready to stop quitting on yourself? Are you willing to let it be hard? What would happen if you let it be hard and got to the place where it’s just part of what you do and who you are? How would your life be better or different then?

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What does your body say?

October 13, 2022 ~ The Healing Modalities ~ Leave a comment

Slow down and listen.

What’s the difference between sensations and feelings/emotions in our bodies?

Sensations are physical feelings: a cramp, muscle soreness, tingling, an itch, a stiff neck, hunger, thirst, a bruise, or anything that could be called “painful” is a sensation in the body. Sensations in the body travel to our brain and we recognize them as physical sensations, like pain, discomfort, cold, hot, etc.

Feelings and emotions (I use these interchangeably) are vibrations in the body that are caused by our thoughts. For example, happy, sad, anxious, excited, overwhelmed, worried, scared. Our brains create these vibrations by thinking thoughts.

The way these both work together sometimes goes like this:

We feel a sensation in our body that is “a little painful” and a thought might be, “That feels weird” and then the feeling/emotion it creates could be anxious, worried, or scared. And because we don’t want to feel that way, we might dismiss the emotion along with the sensation. We return to whatever we’re doing or working on, and if we feel the sensation again, we continue to dismiss it as something we’re too busy to be concerned about.

Eventually, our body is like, “Hey, I was trying to get your attention earlier, but you didn’t listen. Now I’m going to shout at you so you really hear me and pay attention.” This is when the pain or sensation gets very intense to the point where we can’t ignore it and may even need a trip to the emergency department to handle it.

What often is more likely for most of us is that we’re so unaccustomed to listening to our bodies that we don’t hear the smaller signals at all. Until they’re big signals.

Before it gets to that point–and sometimes it may be unavoidable because our bodies remain mostly miraculous mysteries, even to most doctors–we can learn to listen to and attend to our bodies. But first, we have to be willing to attend and feel and listen.

I’ll offer what I do and it may feel strange or “woo-woo” at first, so feel free to adjust to what feels comfortable for you, if you’d like to start connecting with your body more:

When I feel a sensation that I label as uncomfortable or even painful in my body, I check-in with it. I’ll put my attention on the area, breathe, and silently inquire,”Hi my dear, I feel that and I hear you. What message do you have for me?” And just be with that area of my body for a bit.

Maybe the pain or discomfort will subside or maybe it will remain. I just attend to that area for a few moments and see what there is to see. And then later at night before I go to sleep, I’ll spend more time with it, if needed. I’m also open to calling my doctor, acupuncturist, or massage therapist, depending on what I think I need.

This is not to say that we need to be overly worried about every sensation in our body. But we can be open to attending to and connecting with our bodies more. To listen with care.

When we feel pain or discomfort in our body, we usually turn away from it, dismiss it, ignore it, disregard it. Or we “put it off” until we have time to “deal” with it.

Our bodies are our allies and companions. We wouldn’t be able to do almost all of what we do in our lives without our bodies. They are our partners and deserve our care and attention, just like we’d give to a companion or partner we love.

When we can start to attend to our bodily sensations even more, we’ll strengthen our connection with our body and be able to “hear” its messages to us. Not only will we feel more connected, but we may also decide that taking actions to feel healthy and good in our bodies are priorities in our lives. And engaging in those actions become joyful habits instead of dreaded chores.

We’ll have our ever-changing bodies for as long as we’re alive. Wouldn’t it be wonderful to have a loving, respectful relationship with it?

Your turn: Are you open to “hearing” what your body has to say to you? What might happen if you started seeing your body as a companion, partner, friend, ally in this glorious life you’ve been given? What is one thing you can do today to slow down and connect with your body? Maybe even give it some love and attention by acknowledging all that it has done and does for you?

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When you bet on yourself

October 6, 2022 ~ The Healing Modalities ~ Leave a comment

Let’s go!

“Leap and the net will appear.” – John Burroughs

I recently decided to take a big leap and move into my own space in San Francisco. The last time I lived on my own was when I lived in Manhattan–it was such an expansive and fulfilling experience.

I thought that I wouldn’t ever pay market-rate rent in San Francisco because I could live in family-owned property and pay below-market rent. But it also meant I had to share a space with housemates in a living situation I’ve outgrown. So I decided to take the leap and rent my own space that’s a bit of a stretch for me to afford right now. My reasons are that I want to be more independent, to have my own space for creativity and expansion, to experience something different, and to stretch myself to see what I’m capable of.

So I’m betting on myself to earn and create the income I need to make it work, so that I’m not just spending down my savings. I’m putting myself out there more and taking on new opportunities, saying yes to things, and most importantly, believing in myself to make it all work out. To have my back, to make aligned decisions, to trust in myself and my abilities, to have it take as long as it takes. So I’m also creating the net with the belief I have in myself.

I could have just stayed in my current situation and not taken the leap. My current situation is “safe” and familiar, but it doesn’t require more of me. I now get to rise up to a level that maybe I haven’t been at before.

I’m becoming a person who can support herself through this goal. The reward is not only being able to comfortably afford my new living situation. The reward is also who I’ll become and what I’ll learn by achieving this goal.

And that requires a lot of me–growth-wise and creativity-wise. And I’m up for the challenge. I’m willing to be a little scared and uncomfortable for a while, I’m willing to see what’s possible. I’m willing to go all-in on myself and to bet on ME. I trust myself to come through for me.

How do we make sure we take the actions needed to support ourselves? We create the feelings we need to fuel those actions. How do we create the feelings? We think the thoughts that create those feelings.

Right now, I’m thinking “I can do this. I’m going all-in on myself. I believe in myself. I can make it work no matter what. I’ll do what I need to do–and even have fun while doing it!” And all those thoughts create the feelings: determined, focused, excited, confident, motivated. And I’ll take actions based on those feelings.

Sometimes we think other things or people are supposed to come through for us to make our dreams come true. We do get to make requests of people, to ask for help, and to benefit from the generosity of others and the resources available to us.

And we are also the ones who are taking the actions to ask, to receive, and to say “yes” to opportunities that seem aligned. We get to decide what’s possible for us and what we need to do to make it happen for ourselves.

Others can help us along the way, of course, but if we’re expecting them to provide the BELIEF we need to have in ourselves? It doesn’t work that way. We need to be the ones who believe in ourselves the most–1000%. We need to be the ones to bet on ourselves and go all-in.

Your turn: What do you want for yourself that you’re willing to go all-in on and bet on yourself to make happen? What would you need to think and believe? What would you need to feel? And what actions would you take (or not take) to get the result you want? Are you willing to have it take as long as it takes? Who will you become along the way?

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When you try to do all the things

September 29, 2022 ~ The Healing Modalities ~ Leave a comment

Be with you.

I’ve mentioned this before, that in the past I used to think I needed to DO all the things in order to prove my worth, because I used to think I wasn’t “good enough.” I wasn’t even conscious of this as a choice I was making–I just thought it was how I was supposed to do things.

I’d do things from a sense of internal pressure–to take classes to learn a certain skill, to exercise only for weight loss, to do activities where I could meet new people, to be on nonprofit Boards, to volunteer my time in other ways. I ended up doing so much in order to feel like I was “good enough” that I ended up exhausting myself and feeling stressed out and overwhelmed.

Only looking back, and through the self-awareness work I’ve done through therapy and coaching, I see that I was “doing” in order to prove myself as worthy and valuable. Because I thought I wasn’t good enough, I thought there were things I could DO to feel good enough.

Now I know that worthiness comes from within, that I can choose to have the belief “I am already 100% worthy.” And that belief is available to ALL of us. We get to choose to believe it (or not).

Sometimes we do things to “avoid” ourselves or “escape” ourselves. Maybe we’re not used to being with ourselves, or we don’t like being with our own thoughts, or maybe we might not like being with ourselves as our only company.

If that’s the case, I want to offer that the most important work to feel “good enough” comes from learning how to like ourselves even more.

To do this, we need to know what we think about ourselves. Are we acknowledging ourselves for who we are and what we like about ourselves? Not what we DO, but who we ARE as people. Many times, when asked about ourselves, we talk about what we DO or the roles we have. But how often do we talk about what we like about ourselves?

Some self-acknowledgements could be:

“I like myself for being generous” / “I am generous”

“I like myself for being kind” / “I am kind”

“I like myself for being understanding” / “I am understanding”

“I like myself for being intelligent” / “I am intelligent”

“I like myself for being ambitious” / “I am ambitious”

“I like myself for being amazing” / “I am amazing”

This is not to say that we’re doing this in order to feel “better than” other people–which for some of us, doing this type of work can feel uncomfortable because we’re not supposed to be “boastful.”

No, this work is for us to acknowledge ourselves and who we are and what we like about ourselves. To feel “good enough” or valuable comes from within ourselves. When we slow down and spend time checking-in with ourselves, we get to know ourselves even more. We start to find out what’s true for us, about us.

And if we happen to see things in ourselves that we’d like to change or improve upon, we can always do so, but from a place of compassion and care for ourselves. Instead of from a place of not feeling good enough.

So now I do things because I want to, from a place of knowing that I have value to contribute–not in order to get a feeling of value from “out there.”

Your turn: What if you stopped doing all the things to prove your worthiness and value and started spending time checking-in with yourself? What’s good about you? (Think about who you ARE, not what you DO, to answer that question.) How can you enjoy being with yourself even more? How can you enjoy being YOU even more?

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Your Future Self knows how

September 22, 2022 ~ The Healing Modalities ~ 2 Comments

. . . to do it.

Many of us are used to looking to our past to determine what our future could be.

We may think, “Well, I’ve only made $75,000 a year before, so I’m not sure if I’ll be able to make more than that” or “I’ve never lost 30 pounds before, so I don’t know if I can do it” or just “I haven’t done that before, so I probably can’t do it.”

When we really look at those thoughts, it’s almost silly that we’d think them. Just because we haven’t done something before doesn’t mean that we’ll likely be unable to do it. That’s just an easy excuse, a way to shut out possibility.

How did we ever do something before we did it? By just doing it!

And learning from what we found out when we did it. Data gathering: “This seems to work. That didn’t really work. So I just have to do a bit more of this than that to keep going.”

Get a feel for it. Do it wrong. Get a feel for it. Do it a little more right. Repeat.

We didn’t know how to walk before, or ride a bike, or drive, or graduate from high school, or get a job, but we took the actions–and continued to take the actions–needed in order to do those things. To achieve those goals.

We had the desire to grow and learn, and we had the desire for an outcome. We had a strong “why” – a strong reason for wanting to make the effort to achieve the outcome.

So what gets in the way now of achieving those seemingly impossible goals?

Our thoughts. Which create feelings. Like fear, doubt, defeat.

Thoughts create our feelings, feelings drive our actions, and our actions (or inactions) produce the results we get.

So let’s think thoughts that create the feelings: determined, focused, excited, passionate.

If we’re basing what’s possible on our past, then yes, we will only be able to see what’s possible based on what we’ve already done.

But if we want to go beyond what we’ve done before, we need to look to our future and keep our focus there.

Our Future Self believes in what’s possible. Our Future Self knows that they can do it. Our Future Self is living the dream–has made the money, lost the weight, stopped drinking, has the partner, feels good.

So instead of thinking thoughts that create obstacles towards our goals and the feeling of “defeated” ahead of time, we can choose thoughts that create momentum and the feeling of “determined.”

What does our Future Self who’s already achieved the goal think and feel? Let’s start thinking some of those thoughts. Let’s start feeling some of those feelings.

When we choose intentional thoughts on purpose about what’s possible for us, we get to feel the intentional feelings created by those thoughts. Then we get to be intentional with our actions and inactions. And ultimately, we create the results we want.

Your turn: What do you want to create in your life and why? What would you get to believe and think about yourself when you achieve that goal? What would you get to feel when you achieve that goal? What if those thoughts and feelings are all available for you to believe and feel about yourself right now? Guess what? They are.

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When you honor yourself

September 15, 2022September 15, 2022 ~ The Healing Modalities ~ Leave a comment

Respect yourself.

How many of us know how to connect with and listen to our body’s signals and messages to us? Most of us didn’t really learn how to do this anywhere. In fact, we were likely taught the opposite–how to ignore and disregard our bodies: to keep going when we’re tired, to push through the pain to get it done, to always be productive and go after the next thing.

After undergoing emergency open-heart surgery that saved my life and while going through the recovery process, I finally learned how to listen to and honor my body. In actuality, it was because I didn’t know how to do that sooner that I got to the place of needing emergency open-heart surgery. I wasn’t understanding my body’s signals that led to my body’s illness.

In the past, when I wasn’t feeling well, I didn’t allow myself to rest without feeling guilty, like I shouldn’t be taking the time off. And guess what happened when I felt guilty for resting when my body needed it? I created more stress because I was feeling guilty about resting and thinking I should be doing something else!

Resting when our bodies need it can be a hostile cycle if we’re not aware of what’s going on in our minds during the time. Part of us knows that we need rest and another part of us thinks about all the other things we “should” be doing but aren’t. So while we’re resting, there’s cognitive dissonance–we’re not at peace with our decision to rest.

And also, it may be uncomfortable to be with ourselves and all of our thoughts! The thoughts we can avoid when we’re busy doing all the other things we do.

One way to be at peace with resting and caring for ourselves is to be compassionate with ourselves, to accept that we need to rest, and to consciously choose to rest: “I am choosing to rest and care for myself. There is nothing else I need to do right now. This is important and resting will allow me to do the things I want to do later.” This may help to decrease cognitive dissonance.

This relates to more than just resting. It relates to what we choose to eat, drink, and do with our bodies, as well.

As for being left alone with ourselves and our thoughts, it could be helpful to just notice what comes up when it’s just us and our thoughts. (This could be the topic of a whole other email!)

So, instead of ignoring my body’s messages, I learned to slow down and check-in with my body, to familiarize myself with its signals. I learned to ask the questions: “At what cost?” and “What can I do to take care of myself in this moment?”

And when the answer came, I gave myself permission to listen to and honor it. It could mean deciding to sleep in instead of going to the gym, or remembering to breathe deeply, or drinking some water, or choosing to eat (or not eat) something, or canceling evening plans after an unexpectedly tiring day at work.

A realization that I came to while learning to listen to and honor my body more, was that by not listening to my body, I was disrespecting and disregarding myself.

Self-care became a way to show myself respect and love, to regard myself with attention. How often do we expect love, respect, and attention from others when we might not even be giving these things to ourselves?

In the past, I thought that by pushing past my body’s needs, I was “being responsible” and getting things done that I thought I needed to do. But by not taking care of my body, that was actually being irresponsible. I see that now, but I didn’t see it in the past–likely because many of our social messages told me the opposite.

When we begin connecting to our body even more, we learn how to regard our body with attention, to listen to what our body needs. Then we can honor it by supporting it in a healthy, caring, respectful way.

Your turn: What can you do today to start connecting to your body more? Are you open to asking yourself the questions: “At what cost?” and “What can I do to take care of myself in this moment?” What might happen if you decided to give care and attention to yourself, to slow down and check-in with your body first?

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When you beat yourself up

September 8, 2022 ~ The Healing Modalities ~ Leave a comment

Stop it.

How does our sense of self-compassion motivate us differently than our self-judgment?

Most of us are used to judging or punishing ourselves into action. This might sound like:

“I’m so disgusting, I need to workout extra hard today.”

“I’m such a loser, I have to figure out how to make more money.”

“I’m so inadequate, I need to find a partner.”

“I’m a mess, I have to get this right.”

Whatever it is, we think mean things about ourselves in order to “motivate” us to do what we think we need to do in order to feel better about ourselves. “If I stop beating myself up, if I accept myself the way I am, I’ll get complacent and lazy, and never change.”

We think we need to beat ourselves up in order to take helpful actions. We might be in a rush to get “over there” because we think that’s when we’ll feel better about ourselves. Beating ourselves up may have gotten us results in the past, but at what cost to the relationship with ourselves?

When we have a self-judging narrative, everything we do can feel punishing:

Instead of seeing a healthy plate of food that will nourish our body, we see a restrictive, limited diet
Instead of doing a workout and celebrating what our body can do, we see it as a way to burn calories and whip ourselves into shape–sometimes even as a penalty for “not eating right”
Instead of staying happy in a new relationship, we find ways to prove that we’re not worthy of happiness
Instead of becoming aware of how we talk to ourselves, we beat ourselves up for beating ourselves up!

Kindness, love, and respect for ourselves doesn’t start when we hit a certain goal of ours.

In fact, when we do hit that goal without doing the work of self-compassion and acceptance, the reward will likely be temporary and we might still not like ourselves the way we thought we would when we finally get “over there” by hitting that goal. It’s because achieving goals doesn’t create our feelings. Our thoughts create our feelings.

Kindness, love, and respect for ourselves can start right now, exactly as we are.

Decide that that’s possible.

When we have compassion and acceptance for ourselves exactly as we are at this time, we can start making the changes we want to see in our lives from a place of care, love, and patience. It’s about our relationship with ourselves. So that in the long-run, we are where we want to be with ourselves and in our lives, loving and accepting ourselves along the way. No matter what.

Your turn: Are you open to feeling accepting of yourself as you are? If not, what’s getting in the way? What are some of the self-judging thoughts you’re aware of? What are some self-compassionate thoughts you can have about yourself instead? What would happen today if you found some self-compassion for yourself in a situation where you usually beat yourself up?

Feeling challenged by finding more self-compassionate thoughts? Book an exploratory session here to build your self-compassion practice.

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Being indecisive is “easier”

September 1, 2022 ~ The Healing Modalities ~ Leave a comment

Just decide.

Have you ever needed to make a decision about something but you allowed yourself to be indecisive about it instead?

This could look like overanalyzing the pros and cons, asking other people for their opinion more than once, doing “more” research, switching back and forth between one decision and another, and procrastinating on taking action.

It can be worrying about whether it’s the “right” or “wrong” choice.

So we let ourselves stay in the mode of “I don’t know” or “I’m not sure.”

Our brains want to keep us safe and staying in “I don’t know” or “I’m not sure” is one way it does this.

When we keep telling ourselves “I don’t know” or “I need more information” or “How will I know this is the right choice?” we block ourselves from deciding, because deciding can be scary.

Deciding means we will have to take action.

Deciding means stepping into the unknown.

Deciding means we could potentially fail.

Deciding means possibly having a difficult conversation.

Deciding means we may have to take on more responsibility.

Deciding means we may be successful beyond our wildest dreams.

All of that can feel scary. And all of that will also help us grow if we’re willing to see our decision as an opportunity for growth. If we’re willing to learn what there is to learn from this choice, even if it ends up being the “wrong” choice.

Personally, I don’t believe in “wrong” choices–they’re just experiences to learn from. And we can always change our minds.

Also, think about how much energy goes into being undecided. Our brains keep going over and over the options, the pros and cons, the potential outcomes, the worst-case scenarios, etc.–sometimes for hours or days or weeks. For the same decision.

That’s a lot of brain space that could be used for more productive means. Like creating the life we want. But instead, we think and think without creating forward momentum from all that thinking.

One thing that is powerful when making decisions is to like our reasons. Are we making this decision because it’s the “easy” choice, where we don’t have to stretch or expand ourselves? Are we making this choice from a place of self-love or self-sabotage?

When we like our reasons for our decision, there is liberation in deciding.

We won’t know what will happen until we decide and take the next steps.

Your turn: Do you recognize when your brain is keeping you safe by being stuck in “I don’t know” or “I’m not sure”? Are you willing to just decide instead, to like your reasons for your decision, and to have your own back?

Will this choice move you toward an inspiring future or will it keep you stuck in the past? What’s the worst-case scenario if you make the decision you want to make? How will you be able to survive it?

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