Your beliefs about YOU

January 12, 2023 ~ The Healing Modalities ~ Leave a comment

Choose on purpose.

We can create new outcomes in our lives with the thoughts that we think. It may seem more complex than that, but really, all new things come from ideas, which are thoughts.

And we know from our coaching model that our thoughts are what create our feelings. Our feelings are powerful drivers of our actions. And our actions create the results we get in our lives.

When we want to create something in our lives, sometimes we need to have new beliefs about what’s possible. Beliefs are just thoughts that we’ve thought over and over again and now we believe they are true.

Some beliefs are very useful to us. And some beliefs create limits within us and prevent us from doing things.

Some limiting beliefs might be:

I’m not good enough.
I just don’t have enough confidence.
I’m not talented enough.
I don’t have the discipline to do that.
People don’t understand me.
All the good ones are taken.
I won’t ever be successful.
I hate my body.

Once we’re aware of limiting beliefs we hold, we might feel the need to change them right away to their exact opposites—things that we DO want to believe.

But if we take too big of a leap, we’ll have a thought that we don’t yet believe. And that thought won’t help us because we don’t believe it yet, no matter how many times we may repeat it during the day.

So how do we get to the new belief we want to have that seems so far from our current belief? We practice thoughts that bridge us or ladder us to the next level of thinking.

As an example, let’s take the thought “I hate my body.”

The goal thought might be “I love my body.” But it’s hard to jump from hate to love right away.

Here are some potential ladder thoughts from “I hate my body” to “I love my body”:

I hate my body.
I have a body.
There are other people with bodies like mine.
Other people with bodies like mine seem to like their bodies.
It’s possible that I could like my body.
I am living my life because of my body.
My body has the potential to change and be healthier.
My body allows me to do things I enjoy.
I am learning to enjoy being in my body.
I am learning to love my body.
I love my body.

We may need to practice each ladder thought for a couple days, a week, two weeks, etc. before moving on to the next one. Until we truly believe the thought we are practicing, it’s important to stay with it before moving on to the next one.

Our thoughts are powerful. We can learn to create beliefs that empower us instead of disempower us.

Your turn: What are some of the limiting thoughts/beliefs you hold? What are some goal thoughts/beliefs that you’d like to have instead? Explore and practice some ladder or bridge thoughts that can help you get to your goal thoughts.

Need help exploring some ladder or bridge thoughts? Let’s talk about it. Sign up for an exploratory session here.

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What’s on your mind? It can be powerful to learn from each other and our common struggles when it comes to our practice of self-care–or just being a human being. If you have something you’re struggling with and would like some perspective, share it here. Your issue may be chosen and addressed in the next post–it’ll be totally anonymous.

The decisions you’re not making

January 5, 2023 ~ The Healing Modalities ~ Leave a comment

“Want to” vs. “Decide to.”

Happy New Year! Wishing you a wonderful 2023!

As we move further into 2023, many of us are likely engaging in changes we want in our lives. Sometimes we have a long list of things we want to do or change. Sometimes we have just one, two, or three big things.

No matter what you have in mind, ask yourself this: “Am I wanting to make these changes or am I deciding to make these changes?”

Wanting to make changes is more like being interested in making the changes. When we want something, we have a desire or wish for something. It seems like a good idea. It doesn’t require any action to want something or be interested in something.

When we decide to do something, it requires us to follow through on a course of action. Deciding is saying, “OK, I’m going to do X” and that’s a pretty firm commitment. Commitment requires action.

How do you know if you just “want to” vs. “deciding to”? If you have some ideas of changes you’d like to make, think about each thing and see how it lines up with the “want to” or the “decide to” thoughts below.

“Want to” thoughts (you allow things to get in the way of your goal):

My boss gave me a tight deadline, so I can’t go to the gym today (goal is to exercise every day)
I’m too tired to meditate this morning (goal is to meditate every morning)
It’s too cold to go for a run today (goal is to run 4x a week)
I deserve to have this treat because my day was so stressful (goal is to eat less sugar)
I just finished a big project so I’m treating myself to a purchase (goal is to spend less)
I don’t feel like it today
This is too hard

“Decide to” thoughts (your goal is your priority):

I’m going to do this today no matter what
This is worth it even if it’s hard sometimes
I can do hard things
I’m choosing to make this a priority for me today
Even though it’s cold out, I’m still going to do it today
This is important to me so I’m going to stick with my plan

Your turn: What do you want to do or be better at in 2023? What new results do you want to create for yourself? Are you ready to decide what you’ll do to make changes in your life? What would happen if you don’t make the change(s) you say you want to make? What would happen and who would you become if you did make the changes you want to make?

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Work with me: Want to see how self-care is transformative and can help create a more meaningful life in which you start committing to yourself and show up the way you want? I can show you how. I offer first-time seekers a complimentary 45-minute exploratory session. Sign up here.

When you’re feeling burnt out

December 29, 2022 ~ The Healing Modalities ~ Leave a comment

“Want to” vs. “have to.”

This week I’m responding to two more questions! As we move towards 2023, I wish you clarity, courage, and compassion. See you in 2023–Happy New Year!

What kind of self-care is needed when you are fully burned out (physically, mentally, emotionally)? Any motivation tips.

In our culture of “productivity as self-worth,” we’re conditioned to think we always need to be doing something in order to feel valuable or worthy. If we’re not “using our time wisely,” we’re “wasting” it.

We may feel overwhelmed by what we make it mean about ourselves if we do/don’t do something, rather than the task or activity itself.

We can ask ourselves why we think we need/want to do these things in the first place. Is there some extrinsic or intrinsic value we think we’ll receive? What are we making it mean about ourselves? Will it add value to our lives? Do we think we’ll be or feel more valuable or worthy if we do it? To whom?

When we are trying to do all the things to prove our worth to others or even ourselves, we may burn ourselves out in the attempt. We get to decide that we are already 100% worthy. From that place of worthiness, what do we REALLY want to do because it’ll add value to our lives?

Part of self-care is choosing from this place, instead of thinking that we HAVE to do things in order to prove something to others. If we want to show ourselves what’s possible for us by doing the things, that’s also different than trying to prove to others something about ourselves.

How do I maintain healthy habits with mental health fluctuations or when something breaks my routine (i.e. getting sick)?

When we’re sick, allowing ourselves to rest and take care of ourselves without feeling guilty is key. This may sound simple, but because of our societal conditioning, we may feel guilty for resting, even though we’re sick.

I recently had the flu and initially wanted to feel better right away so I could get back to work. But when the next day came, I still felt sick and also disappointed that I wasn’t feeling better yet. I had an expectation that I’d feel better more quickly than I was, and that expectation added some stress on top of being sick. We do this type of thing often—not only do we feel physically bad, but we pile negative emotions about feeling bad on top of that.

Just like allowing emotions to be there without resisting them, when I finally allowed myself to be sick instead of resisting it, and canceled work and other plans, I was able to give my body the rest and care it needed—lots of warm fluids and lots of sleep. Without feeling guilty or like I was missing out on something I was supposed to be doing. And without having expectations that I should feel better right away. What I was supposed to be doing at that time was feeling sick and resting. Even though I wasn’t able to do my usual routines, that was okay because I knew I’d get back to them once I felt better.

Similar to the previous question and response, we may think we’re wasting time because we’re sick and can’t be productive. We may feel guilty or disappointed, like we’re letting others down. What we’re really doing is allowing ourselves to heal and rest, taking care of ourselves. If we tried to do things while we were sick, we’d be letting ourselves down and likely prolonging the sickness by not resting properly. So next time you get sick, what if you allow yourself to be sick and to have it take as long as it takes to feel well again?

In terms of mental health fluctuations, we may be feeling overwhelmed or burnt out because of what we’re thinking about our life and the things we think we’re “supposed” to be doing. It’s okay to ask for help. It’s okay to acknowledge that we might not be able to do everything we want to do.

Again, it’s an opportunity to look at the things on our list and to ask ourselves why are we doing these things? What are the things we WANT to do instead of the things we think we HAVE to do? And can we ask for help with any of these things?

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When others “make you” feel guilty

December 22, 2022December 22, 2022 ~ The Healing Modalities ~ Leave a comment

Choose.

For the next two Thursdays, I’ll be responding to questions related to self-care that people have asked. If you’d like to submit your own anonymous question, you can use this form (also can be found in the “What’s on your mind?” section below).

How do I take time for myself without a family member making me feel guilty when I do?

We know from the Model that our feelings are created by our thoughts, not the circumstances. When a family member says something to us, that goes in the Circumstance line. What we think about that creates our feeling. So if we’re feeling guilty, we’re thinking something that creates guilt for us.

We’re responsible for how we feel, because of what we’re thinking, even though we’ve been conditioned to think other people are responsible for how we feel. When someone says something to us or about us, there’s a space between what they say and how we feel. That space is where we think thoughts that interpret and create meaning about what we heard.

We can agree with what someone says about us, or we can disagree. We may be able to find the truth in what they say, or they can be wrong about us. For example, if someone says, “You’re selfish for taking time for yourself.” If we feel guilty, we might be thinking, “Yeah, it is selfish of me,” or “Yeah, I shouldn’t be taking time for myself when there’s so much to do.”

There are other options as well. “Maybe I am selfish, but it’s important for me to take this time for myself. I know I’m still a helpful person,” or “She’s wrong that I’m selfish. I’m doing this so I can refresh and be able to give more later,” or “I know I give enough to others. This is for me.” These thoughts will create a different feeling than guilt.

Find the thought(s) that might be creating guilt. Decide if you want to keep thinking those thoughts or if you want to choose new ones that create a different feeling.

How can I set boundaries and be confident / comfortable with my own needs with the possibility of upsetting others?

Is it possible that others may be upset when we set boundaries and take care of our own needs? Yes. If others aren’t used to us setting boundaries with them, they may feel upset when we do. We set boundaries to keep our relationships healthy. We set boundaries to take care of ourselves. We can stay connected with others while setting boundaries.

We can even let others know that we value our relationships with them and are setting boundaries in order to maintain our relationships. Some language can look like this:

“I really appreciate our friendship and I also respect my time. If you continue to be more than 15 minutes late for our lunch dates, I will need to leave after 15 minutes and we can reschedule.”
“I love you and I do not want to do that. How else can I support you?”
“I want to help you and I can’t do it this weekend. Is there some other time that can work for both of us?”
“I like spending time with you and would like you to call before coming over. If you continue to come over without calling, I will ask you to leave and come back when it works for both of us.”
“I like living with you, but I don’t appreciate it when you use my things without asking. Would you be open to asking me first before using my things? OR If you keep using my things without asking, I will put them in a locked area.”
“I like talking to you on the phone and hearing about what’s going on for you. Sometimes when you call, I’m only able to talk for 10 minutes. I’ll let you know right when you call how much time I have to talk. If you have more to say after 10 minutes, I will need to continue our conversation at a different time.”

These are just a few examples of what’s possible to say in different situations while staying connected to the person and showing we value them.

The important part of setting boundaries is following through with the consequence, which is what WE will do if a boundary has been crossed—the “…then I will ____” part of the sentence. We need to decide whether it’s something we can follow through with or not. If we don’t, it’s like making an idle threat to someone and it doesn’t help us reinforce the boundary that we set.

Many of these examples prevent resentment from building up for us—when we don’t set boundaries, it can be easy to let things go on, even if we don’t like it. When we don’t like it, the other person doesn’t know unless we communicate with them. They think everything is fine, but we start to feel resentment. When we start feeling resentment, we start thinking about our relationships differently, maybe with dread. This isn’t part of keeping our relationships healthy. Remember, boundaries are something we do to take care of ourselves and to keep our relationships healthy.

Check out this video I created for more about setting and maintaining healthy boundaries.

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The Self-Coaching Model

December 20, 2022 ~ The Healing Modalities ~ 5 Comments

Take responsibility.

The Life Coach School, where I received one of my coaching certifications from, teaches the Self-Coaching Model. It looks like this:

Circumstances are neutral and factual. They’re things that are mostly not under our control, like the weather and traffic. Circumstances also include what people say/don’t say and do/don’t do.

Thoughts are phrases that our minds produce about the Circumstances.

Feelings are one-word vibrations in our bodies, like scared, angry, happy, sad, nervous, excited, etc. that come from our Thoughts.

Actions are what we do or don’t do based on our Feelings.

Results are what we create for ourselves in our lives regarding the Circumstance when we take/don’t take Actions.

Our Results usually provide evidence for our Thoughts.

We’ve been conditioned to think that our Feelings come from the Circumstances. But there’s a space between the Circumstance and the Feeling, which is our Thought about the Circumstance. Circumstances are all neutral until we apply a Thought to them. When we apply a Thought to our Circumstance, we judge the Circumstance as “good” or “bad” and everything in between.

To read more about how this can play out in terms of how we feel, see below.

When we think other people cause our feelings, it looks like this:

Me: I’m going to a 75-minute yoga class today.

Mom: I really need your help with something today. Do you have to go to the yoga class?

Me: Feels guilty. (Thinks it’s because Mom said what she said. In reality, it’s because I’m thinking “I should stay home and help Mom” or “I’m selfish for going to yoga when Mom needs help”)

Mom isn’t “making” me feel guilty. I’m thinking a thought (or multiple thoughts) that are creating the feeling of guilt for myself. I’m responsible for my feeling of guilt. Mom is responsible for what she says. She is not responsible for me feeling guilty, even if that’s her intention. It’s whether I agree with her or not that I’ll feel guilty. And I may WANT to feel guilty.

From the feeling of guilt, one option of an action I take–likely an automatic response–is that I don’t go to the yoga class and help Mom. But that likely creates resentment, even if I agreed to do it. It wasn’t what I really wanted to do for myself.

When I recognize that I don’t have to think a thought that makes me feel guilty, another option–one that takes a bit more effort–is that I communicate with Mom and find a solution that works for both of us. For example, “I hear that you need help with something and I do want to help you. I also want to go to this yoga class. Would it work for you to do the task later today so that I can help you then?”

Or if the truth is that I know the task is something that I’ll have to take time to figure out and I don’t have time to do it, I can tell the truth to Mom, “Mom, I’m sorry, I don’t know how to do that and it’ll take too long to figure out. Would you be able to ask ____ / call a ____ to help you do it instead?”

These are just a few options and only one of them come from the feeling of guilt. There are multiple possibilities of responses that might work in this situation. We just have to recognize our automatic responses and take some time to communicate and find other creative solutions instead.

The Unintentional Model (automatic response) looks like:

C – Mom says “I need help with something. Do you have to go to the yoga class?”

T – I’m selfish for going to yoga when Mom needs help

F – Guilty

A – I don’t go to the yoga class, I stay home and help Mom, I don’t stick with my plan of going to yoga, I do something I’d rather not do

R – I don’t allow myself to take time for myself; OR I create resentment for myself

The Intentional Model looks like:

C – Mom says “I need help with something. Do you have to go to the yoga class?”

T – It’s possible for me to do both things

F – Empowered

A – let Mom know I want to help, ask if she can do the task later so I can help her then

R – I find a solution that works for both of us

If we’re willing to slow down a bit, we’re likely able to find solutions that work best for us while staying connected with others.

Ready to stop procrastinating?

December 15, 2022 ~ The Healing Modalities ~ Leave a comment

Feel the feelings.

Some of us thrive on procrastination, saying that it’s the only way we get stuff done—the incentive of a deadline and having no time left to do anything else but the thing we could’ve done two weeks ago. The adrenaline, the motivation. Procrastination has become a habit for those of us.

And that’s great for those who like the adrenaline and the deadlines and the rush of it all.

For those of us who wish we could stop procrastinating so we didn’t need to crash into deadlines, or feel the thing looming over us the whole time, or experience the stress of adrenaline, there’s another way.

It may not be easy, but it’s simple.

Why do we procrastinate? We can probably come up with a bunch of reasons, but the main reason is we associate some level of pain, fear, or discomfort with the activity we’re procrastinating about. That’s it.

To overcome procrastination, we need to understand that all of that pain, fear, and discomfort is mostly imagined—coming from our thoughts in our heads.

Thinking about doing it can seem scary. So the more we think about it, the more we procrastinate. But actually doing it? Doing the thing we’ve been thinking about, the thing we know we need to do, can be liberating.

We stop expending energy on thinking about NOT doing it and why we HAVEN’T done it yet and we just expend energy on DOING IT.

The feelings of fear and discomfort may be there for us, they may be real. But allowing it to be scary and uncomfortable and DOING IT ANYWAY shows ourselves that we can feel our feelings AND do hard things.

Most of the time, our perceptions become irrelevant while we’re doing the thing we THINK is painful, scary, or uncomfortable. Actually doing the thing frees us from our fear—it’s almost never as “bad” as we told ourselves it would be.

There’s an added benefit as well: soon what we imagined would be uncomfortable settles gently inside our comfort zone. Just from doing it and realizing that it wasn’t “so bad” after all.

We start to build trust with ourselves, knowing that we’ll do the thing when we say we’ll do it. And get it done. Without having it loom over us or stay on our to-do list for days, even weeks.

So in order for us to find the motivation we need to do the things we habitually procrastinate on, we must:

Remember that our thoughts about the thing are what makes it uncomfortable (scary, painful, uncertain, etc.)—not actually the thing itself or doing the thing
Allow ourselves to feel the feelings of discomfort and DO IT ANYWAY—because we know we’re going to have to do it at some point, why have it looming over us the whole time and spend mental energy on it that way?

When we start doing the things we used to procrastinate on, we’ll start to feel proud of ourselves. We’ll realize that the choice to procrastinate is exactly that, a choice—one that we no longer have to settle for now that we’re clear about what was causing it.

Your turn: What parts of this resonate with you? If procrastination is just a choice and not an “identity” (e.g. “I’m a person who procrastinates” vs. “I have chosen to procrastinate in the past”) how would your life be different? What are some things you can start practicing with—doing them when you say you’ll do them instead of putting them off like you used to?

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Why are you doing that?

December 8, 2022 ~ The Healing Modalities ~ Leave a comment

Our feelings fuel us.

Everything we do in our life is because we want to feel a certain way. Everything we want in our life is because of a feeling—the feeling that we think we’ll have when we get it or the feeling we think we’ll avoid in not getting it. This is really good to know.

And if we know that our feelings are caused by our thoughts and that what we do in our life is in order to feel better, wouldn’t it be important to know what kind of thoughts we’re thinking?

Circumstances are the facts that happen in our lives and which we usually don’t have control over. How we think about those circumstances creates our feelings. It’s not the circumstances that create our feelings.

Our feelings are also important because they drive all of our actions. Feelings are the fuel for our actions. So when someone asks me, “Why am I not taking action?” It’s because of the way they feel. Or if they’re taking an action they don’t want to be taking, it’s because of the way they feel.

So our feelings are driving our actions. And then our actions are always going to create the results we get—sometimes they’re results we want, and sometimes they’re results we don’t want in our life.

Our actions create our results.

Our actions stem from our feelings. And our feelings come from our thoughts.

So if we want different results, ultimately, we need to think different thoughts.

Sometimes the reason why we don’t take a certain action is to avoid a feeling we think will happen after taking that action. This can look like declining a big opportunity because we’re feeling doubt and thinking something along the lines of, “I might fail and I don’t want to feel the dejection of failure.”

Other times, we feel a certain way and because we feel that way, we either take or don’t take action. This can look like feeling nervous because we’re thinking, “I don’t want to look stupid in front of everyone,” so we don’t offer our opinion in a meeting. Or we feel hurt because we’re thinking, “He should want to spend more time with me,” which causes us to disconnect from our partner, which is an action that doesn’t serve us or our relationships-–it’s actually the opposite of what we want here, which is connection.

When we have results in our lives that we don’t want, it’s good to be aware that it’s our actions that are creating them. And where do our actions come from? The way we’re feeling. And where does the way we’re feeling come from? The way we’re thinking about our circumstances.

To create different results, we need to think different thoughts.

Your turn: Are you open to bringing more awareness to what feelings are fueling your actions? What are the feelings that might be fueling your actions? What actions are you taking when you experience those feelings? And what results are your actions creating for you? Do you like the results you’re getting?

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“Will I ever be good enough?”

December 1, 2022 ~ The Healing Modalities ~ Leave a comment

Your Power Sentences.

How we think about ourselves and our lives contributes to how we take care of ourselves (or don’t).

We have sentences in our minds that run our life. Mostly without our awareness of them.

These are called Power Sentences.

They’re powerful because they affect the results we create in our lives, usually by providing more evidence that the thought (Power Sentence) is “true.”

When we’ve practiced thinking a thought over and over, it becomes a belief. Beliefs “feel true” even though they are just thoughts that we’ve thought over and over.

And if our thoughts/beliefs create the results we get in our life, let’s start to become aware of these Power Sentences.

Some examples of unintentional and unconscious Power Sentences are:

“I’m not good enough.”
“I can never get it right.”
“I’ll never have what I want.”
“It’s always so hard for me.”
“Things don’t work out for me.”

What might these types of thoughts prove true in our lives?

It’s possible for us to think and practice new thoughts and beliefs – new Power Sentences – ON PURPOSE. Ones that SERVE our lives more than the unintentional, unconscious thoughts and beliefs.

We must find the sentence that is running our life so we can make sure it is conscious and intentional.

The goal is to uncover our main Power Sentence, and make sure it’s what we want it to be.

Here’s an exercise to consider to find your Power Sentence(s):

Who are you? What are you doing with your life? (Answer with one sentence only.)
Are you doing it consciously?

Is this who you want to be?

Is this what you want to be doing with your life?

When you look at your life as a result, you can see the SENTENCE CAUSING IT.
What are the results you have vs. the results you want?
Look at the effect of your sentences.

Here are some intentional, conscious Power Sentences to try on:

“I am always enough as I am.”
“I’m willing to figure out the things that are important to me.”
“I’m the creator of what I want in my life.”
“Everything happens FOR me to grow and learn.”
“I embrace all challenges.”
“I have value to contribute.”
“I am an extraordinary/amazing human being.”

What might these types of thoughts prove true in our lives?

Your turn: What are you discovering about your Power Sentences? What Power Sentences do you want to start practicing on purpose? What do you want to create in your life to become the version of you that you know you can be?

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Boundaries for Thanksgiving

November 24, 2022 ~ The Healing Modalities ~ Leave a comment

*Free* video training.

Happy Thanksgiving to all who are celebrating! I know the holidays can be rough for some folks, so if you’re feeling the holiday feels, allow yourself to be with those feelings. It’s all part of being human.

To keep it short and sweet today, I’m happy to share this video I created for you about setting and maintaining healthy boundaries. I’ve been talking about boundaries for the past couple weeks and emails can only capture so much.

This video goes into what gets in the way of setting boundaries and how to become aware of those things, along with some helpful language to stay connected while setting boundaries. It’s about 17 minutes long. Feel free to watch at your convenience.

(My video tile is a little cut off on the screen, but it’s sufficient—what’s important is that you can hear my voice as you follow along!)

I’d love to know what you think afterwards, if you’d like to share. Just reply to this email or use the link to the anonymous form below in the “What’s on your mind?” section.And if you know others who might benefit from what I shared about boundaries in this video, please pass it along to them!

Your turn: After watching the video, what boundary setting practice(s) will you explore to incorporate into your life? What is something covered in the video that you’d like to learn more about? What is one thing around boundaries you’re committed to doing for yourself?

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Set boundaries, stay connected?

November 17, 2022 ~ The Healing Modalities ~ Leave a comment

Here’s how.

We’re continuing our discussion about boundaries this week to get ready for the upcoming holidays with family members! 😉

We set boundaries because we want to keep our relationships healthy. Because our relationships are important to us, we can state our requests and boundaries from a place of connection instead of disconnection. Stating a boundary from anger, annoyance, or frustration usually isn’t helpful to a relationship.

It’s our job to protect and be responsible for our boundaries. We can make requests, but ultimately we can’t force someone to do something. We can choose to leave or take action to protect our boundary. If we see that the other person frequently disregards our boundary requests, we may decide to create some distance with them and how we interact with them in our life, and let them know why.

Most people think boundaries are something that they’re not. When it comes down to it, much of what we think needs a boundary is due to our own lack of self-care.

To review, a boundary is required only when there has been a boundary violation.

A violation is when someone comes into our space (physical or emotional) without us being OK with it.
A boundary is stating what WE will do if that person continues their behavior.
It is NOT us telling that person how to behave.

Additionally, if we make a boundary request and don’t follow through on what we say we’ll do, we’ve only made an idle threat or consequence. This diminishes our own self-respect and the other person’s respect for us.

A boundary request sounds like this: “If you continue to _____, then I will ______.”

For example, “I don’t appreciate being berated, so don’t yell at me,” is NOT setting a boundary. It’s telling someone else what to do.

“I hear that this is important to you and I don’t appreciate being berated. So if you continue to yell, then I’m going to leave the room until we can talk without you yelling,” is setting a boundary while wanting to stay connected.

The person can continue to yell. The consequence that we follow through with is leaving the room if they do. We used a connection phrase to start by acknowledging the other person with “I hear that this is important to you.” Other connection phrases:

“I appreciate you and your perspective, however, if you continue to _____, then I will _____.”
“I value our relationship and time together, but if you keep _____, then I will ______.”
“I love you, and I’m not going to do that (thing that you asked me to) because it really doesn’t work for me. How else can I support you?”
“I hear that you feel disappointed with my decision. I’m here to help in a way that works for both of us.”

What other questions do you have about boundaries? Let me know here.

Your turn: What boundary requests would benefit you if you made them? Do you have a clear request and a clear consequence/action that you’ll take if the other person violates your boundary? How can you keep the relationship connected while setting a clear boundary?

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