Speak no evil

December 14, 2023 ~ The Healing Modalities ~ Leave a comment

About yourself or to yourself.

Last week I shared about the 3 pillars of transformative self-care – the first pillar being how we think about ourselves. Let’s talk about the second pillar today: how we speak about and to ourselves.

The language that we use can affect us through our mind-body connection.

I hear people say things like:

“That kills me!”
“I’m dying right now!”
“It’s such a pain in my neck!”
“Shoot me now!”
Or even the gesture of a thumb and index finger to the head, creating a pistol going off

These phrases accompany things that relate to feelings: hilarity, annoyance, exasperation, or aggravation. We know they’re just pop culture phrases that people say to emphasize something they’re experiencing. But our words can affect us and those around us.

There’s a book called Your Body Believes Every Word You Say and from it, we learn that we want to become mindful of the language we use about ourselves and to ourselves. Not only to prevent physical manifestations of illness, disease, or pain, but also to reinforce what we believe about ourselves.

If we’re always denigrating ourselves to others – even in playful, joking ways like, “I’m such a dumbass, you’ll never guess what I did” – we might take small hits to our self-esteem without even realizing it. Our words might be reflecting what we really think about ourselves on a deeper level.

This is not a gloom and doom warning, but rather a nudge to become more aware of how we can take care of ourselves – by using our words intentionally about ourselves, when we talk to others and when we talk to ourselves.

AND, even when we talk about or think about others. Sometimes what we think about others and what we judge other people for is also a judgment about ourselves. What is it that they’re doing that we don’t allow ourselves to do? If we judge someone for being late, it’s because we likely never allow ourselves to be late. If we judge someone for being carefree and spontaneous, where in our life are we withholding that from ourselves?

Instead, what if we practice phrases like this externally:

“That’s amazingly hilarious!”
“I’m so gleefully amused right now!”
“Honestly, that’s been really hard for me to manage.”
“I’m recognizing I need support in handling this.”

And internally:

“I’m learning how to really like myself now.”
“I care about how hard this has been for me.”
“I know I’ll be able to figure this out.”
“I love myself no matter what.”

Our words are powerful and we can use them consciously and mindfully. We can use our words to care for ourselves – to support ourselves and build ourselves up.

Your turn: Are you aware of how you speak about and to yourself? What do you notice when you pay closer attention to the words you use? How would you like to shift the language you use in your daily life to support your well-being even more?

Dive Deeper: What are the stories you tell yourself about yourself? (For example, “I’m this [______] way because that [_____] happened to me.”) Are these stories true? What if they’re not and never were? What do you want to change about these stories to make them more empowering?

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Work with me: Want to see how self-care is transformative and can help you create the results you want in your life? I can show you how. I offer first-time seekers a complimentary 60-minute exploratory session. Sign up here.

What’s on your mind? It can be powerful to learn from each other and our common struggles when it comes to our practice of self-care–or just being a human being. If you have something you’re struggling with and would like some perspective, share it here. Your issue may be chosen and addressed in the next post–it’ll be totally anonymous.

3 Pillars of Transformative Self-Care

December 7, 2023 ~ The Healing Modalities ~ 3 Comments

Relate to Self.

We’ve heard the term “self-care” being thrown about somewhat recklessly lately. It could mean anything from taking a bubble bath, getting a massage, going out in nature, or drinking a frothy, sugar-filled drink.

Yes, those are all things we can do to take care of ourselves – unless we’re cutting down on sugar, then maybe pass on the frothy, sugar-filled drink!

The way I view self-care is in a transformative way. And there are three pillars of transformative self-care:

1. How we think about ourselves
2. How we speak about and to ourselves
3. How we treat ourselves

All this adds up to how we relate to ourselves – our relationship with our Self.

How we think about ourselves will determine how we speak about and to ourselves. If we mainly think thoughts that reflect poorly on ourselves, we will likely speak poorly about and to ourselves. This shows up in self-denigrating language spoken out loud to others, like “I’m so lame, you’ll never guess what I did yesterday!” Or to ourselves, “I can’t believe I messed that up again! Why am I so stupid?!”

How we think about ourselves also impacts how we treat ourselves. If we don’t think we’re deserving of care, we will likely not take caring actions towards ourselves, even if we know what to do to take care of ourselves. This shows up in how we blow ourselves off by not doing what we say we want to do. For example, we scroll on social media when we have plans to take a walk instead. Or we eat three cookies when we said we’d only have one. We don’t take our commitments to ourselves seriously. We flake on ourselves. We self-sabotage.

And then we wonder why our relationship with ourselves can feel so frustrating. Why we never do what we say we’ll do. Why we end up feeling disappointed with ourselves. Why we feel discouraged about our goals. Why we keep making decisions out of alignment with ourselves.

We can start to build ourselves back up, to transform how we care for ourselves. We had a strong sense of ourselves when we were little kids. Over the years, most of us got that knocked out of us unintentionally by certain adults, society, peers, our culture, the media.

We can think about ourselves intentionally and with kindness and care. Start treating ourselves like our 5-year-old self who is just starting to learn more about the world and other people. What would we say to that 5-year-old when she (or he or they) makes a mistake? Or when she is excited about something she’s doing? Or when she is sad because something didn’t go her way?

This is one way to engage in transformative self-care: by becoming aware of our relationship with ourselves and to start nurturing it even more.

Your turn: What do you want to think about yourself on purpose, with kindness and care? Here’s a clue: What would you love to hear someone else tell you about yourself? What if you tell that to yourself and you believe it? How can you practice believing it even more?

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Thank yourself

November 23, 2023November 23, 2023 ~ The Healing Modalities ~ Leave a comment

And do it often.

Today in the U.S. it’s a day to be thankful and grateful. We’re taught to be thankful for others and the things we have. While this is a wonderful practice, we don’t usually get to focus enough on being thankful and grateful to ourselves and who we are. I believe we could be well-served to do this more often!

Thank yourself for showing up every day, even when you don’t want to sometimes.

Thank yourself for figuring things out and solving problems.

Thank yourself for making mistakes and learning from them.

Thank yourself for what you do for others.

Thank yourself for earning your income.

Thank yourself for paying your rent or mortgage.

Thank yourself for waking up early to go to the gym.

Thank yourself for choosing to sleep in.

Thank yourself for choosing the healthier option.

Thank yourself for indulging sometimes.

Thank yourself for aspiring to more.

Thank yourself for doing hard things.

Thank yourself for supporting yourself.

Thank yourself for your desires.

Thank yourself for choosing kindness.

Thank yourself for being good enough.

Thank yourself for being you.

Thank yourself for becoming more of who you want to be.

Thanking ourselves can change our relationship with ourselves. Even if the above seem aspirational, we get to be here each day and aspire to more for ourselves. If we want to, we get to choose how we show up for ourselves and for our lives. We can choose to keep doing more of the same. We can choose to try something different and new. We can be intentional. We can choose on purpose.

Your turn: Do you feel worthy and deserving of your own thanks and gratitude directed towards yourself? How might thanking yourself more often change your relationship with yourself? What specifically would you like to remember to thank yourself for each day? Consider choosing life coaching to thank yourself.

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When you judge yourself

September 14, 2023 ~ The Healing Modalities ~ Leave a comment

How’s that working out for you?

How does compassion for ourselves motivate us differently than judgment of ourselves?

Most of us are used to judging or punishing ourselves into action. This might sound like:

“I’m so fat, I need to workout extra hard today.”

“I’m such a loser, I have to figure out how to make more money.”

“I’m so inadequate, I need to find a partner.”

“I’m a mess, I have to get this right.”

Whatever it is, we think mean things about ourselves in order to “motivate” us to do what we think we need to do in order to feel better about ourselves. We think we need to beat ourselves up in order to take helpful actions. “If I stop beating myself up, if I accept myself the way I am, I’ll get complacent and lazy, and never change.”

We might be in a rush to get “over there” because we think that’s when we’ll feel better about ourselves. Beating ourselves up may have gotten us results in the past, but at what cost to our relationship with ourselves?

When we have a self-judging narrative, everything we do can feel punishing:

- Instead of seeing a healthy plate of food that will nourish our body, we see a restrictive, limited diet
- Instead of doing a workout and celebrating what our body can do, we see it as a way to burn calories-–sometimes even as a penalty for “not eating right”
- Instead of staying happy in a new relationship, we find ways to prove that we’re not worthy of happiness
- Instead of becoming aware of how we talk to ourselves, we beat ourselves up for beating ourselves up!

Kindness, love, and respect for ourselves doesn’t start when we hit a certain goal of ours.

In fact, when we do hit that goal without doing the work of self-compassion and acceptance, the reward will likely be temporary and we might still not like ourselves the way we thought we would when we finally get “over there” by hitting that goal. It’s because achieving goals doesn’t create our feelings. Our thoughts create our feelings.

Kindness, love, and respect for ourselves can start right now, exactly as we are.

Decide that that’s possible.

When we have compassion and acceptance for ourselves exactly as we are at this time, we can start making the changes we want to see in our lives from a place of care, love, and patience.

It’s about our relationship with ourselves. So that in the long-run, we are where we want to be with ourselves and in our lives, loving and accepting ourselves along the way. No matter what.

Your turn: Are you open to feeling accepting of yourself as you are right now? If not, what’s getting in the way? What are some of the self-judging thoughts you’re aware of? What are some self-compassionate thoughts you can have about yourself instead? What would happen today if you found some compassion for yourself in a situation where you usually beat yourself up?

Feeling challenged by finding more self-compassionate thoughts? Book an exploratory session here to build your self-compassion practice.

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Guilt-free rest and leisure?

June 29, 2023 ~ The Healing Modalities ~ Leave a comment

Take your time.

I recently decided that I would take one day off a month to have ZERO plans for the day. No obligations or tasks on a to-do list and no one to see. Well, there is ONE plan and that plan is to commit to rest and leisure without guilt.

If the plan is to rest and have leisure time, then by following the plan, guilt has no need to be in the picture.

If guilt does come around, we might be starting to think thoughts like, “I shouldn’t be doing this” or “I could be doing more productive things” or “People will think I’m indulgent.”

If caring for ourselves is a value we have, why do we feel guilty for honoring and expressing one of our values? If we value integrity, we usually don’t feel guilty honoring and expressing our integrity. We can treat rest and leisure time as values that we want to honor and express, without guilt.

For my plan of one day a month, within that free time, I could do WHATEVER I want. I could stay in bed until 10am, just dozing and resting. I could read for an hour after lunch. I could go for a walk to the ocean. I could walk to the park and sit in the sun for the afternoon. Things that I don’t usually have the leisure time to do.

And if a whole day for rest and leisure seems unrealistic, commit to small chunks of planned rest and leisure throughout the month. Maybe one weekend morning is for sleeping in. Maybe one Tuesday evening is for reading on the couch with hot tea for 45 minutes. One Friday night for a quiet night in instead of going out.

Rest and leisure are ways of taking care of ourselves. Commit to rest and leisure without guilt.

Your turn: Does committing to rest and leisure seem unrealistic to you? Why? What options might you not be giving yourself to take a well-deserved break? What reasons are you telling yourself that you don’t deserve rest and leisure in your day, week, or month? How might you request support for creating the space to have some rest and leisure for yourself?

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Work with me: Want to see how self-care is transformative and can help create a more meaningful life in which you start committing to yourself and show up the way you want? I can show you how. I offer first-time seekers a complimentary 60-minute exploratory session. Sign up here.

How you show up

April 6, 2023 ~ The Healing Modalities ~ Leave a comment

You choose.

Many of us head into our days haphazardly. We might not have a morning routine established yet where we get to step into our day, but our day seems to “come at” us instead.

One quick practice that can impact our day is setting an intention for how we want to show up that day.

The way I talk about showing up means not just being in the room or being somewhere, but how we interact with ourselves and how we interact with others. On purpose.

We can decide in the morning what our intention is for showing up today. We can decide how we want to show up for ourselves and we can decide how we want to show up for others.

An intention for showing up for ourselves can sound like this:

“I want to show up for myself today by acknowledging what’s good in my life.”

“I want to show up for myself today by honoring my commitments.”

“I want to show up for myself today by telling the truth to myself.”

An intention for showing up for others can sound like this:

“I want to show up for others today by hearing what they have to say.”

“I want to show up for others today by being compassionate towards them.”

“I want to show up for others today by being patient with them.”

We can choose on purpose. And it doesn’t mean we do it 100% that day. But we can start. And we can keep practicing.

Your turn: What intention do you want to set for showing up for yourself today? For showing up for others? What intentions might you turn into habits? What awareness do you want to bring to this practice?

Other ideas for showing up: by being honest, by being curious, by being creative, by being fun and excited, by actively listening, by creating peace, by choosing love no matter what. What else would you like to practice?

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Give yourself permission

March 30, 2023 ~ The Healing Modalities ~ Leave a comment

And get used to it.

In the past, I didn’t give myself permission to ask for help. I didn’t give myself permission to set boundaries. I didn’t give myself permission to feel my feelings. I didn’t give myself permission to consider what success really looked like and meant for me. I just accepted what other people and society told me success looked like and meant. I didn’t consider broader possibilities for myself.

I put myself in a box that I thought was a “good” box. I was doing the things I was “supposed to” do and was doing a great job with them.

Or so I thought.

I thought the armor that I put on each day was masking the insecurity and weaknesses I felt. Maybe to others, it looked like I had it all together. Maybe not. But while I thought the armor was protecting me, it was actually keeping me separated from what I really wanted and who I could become.

Because I didn’t even know who I wanted to become. By my own choice, through my own decisions, and by knowing myself.

And now I do know. More than I did before. And I will keep learning more.

Part of this process began when I started to give myself permission to take off the armor. To know that the armor wasn’t necessary for who I wanted to be. That armor was heavy and I didn’t even know it, until I didn’t have to put it on all the time.

I learned how to give myself permission for things that seem obvious now. To rest. To relax. To not feel guilty and obligated all the time. To let other people do some of the work. To ask for help. To say no. To say yes … to things like pleasure and joy and freedom. To believe new things.

Who do we think we need to ask permission from? Why? Who do we think we’ll get permission from, if not from ourselves?

Your turn: What are you not giving yourself permission to do, be, say, think, feel, believe, want, have? What would you really like to do, be, say, think, feel, believe, want, and have? Who do you need permission from? What might happen if you asked yourself permission? What might happen if you gave yourself permission?

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Life coaching for you

March 16, 2023 ~ The Healing Modalities ~ 1 Comment

Curious?

What do you think about life coaching? Have you considered it for yourself? How can coaching help you?

Life coaching can add value to your life when you think you have a problem—and thinking about it takes up a lot of your time and mental energy. You’d likely rather do something else with that time and energy.

Life coaching can help you make it a non-problem in your mind so you can focus on the things you want to think about and do instead. Things that move your life forward in the direction you want to go. Things you want to create for yourself.

At the very least, it can provide a committed time for mental self-care. It’s making time rather than finding time to keep mentally healthy.

As it relates to self-care, we look at your life holistically to see where the gaps are. What is your relationship to self-care? What is your relationship to your Self?

Sometimes your thoughts and beliefs do not align with who you want to be and who you think you are, which is a big obstacle to making healthy choices for yourself.

When we coach together, we’ll look at your thoughts about self-care and strengthen your beliefs about yourself—that you are a person who deserves care, especially from yourself.

When your thoughts and beliefs start to align even more, that’s when you begin making healthier choices for yourself. You align with who you want to be and who you are becoming.

If that sounds good to you, I’d like to personally invite you to join Self-Care Sundays, my weekly drop-in coaching sessions, or to book an exploratory session to find out how coaching can work for you!

Register for Self-Care Sundays

Book Your Exploratory Session

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When others “make you” feel guilty

December 22, 2022December 22, 2022 ~ The Healing Modalities ~ Leave a comment

Choose.

For the next two Thursdays, I’ll be responding to questions related to self-care that people have asked. If you’d like to submit your own anonymous question, you can use this form (also can be found in the “What’s on your mind?” section below).

How do I take time for myself without a family member making me feel guilty when I do?

We know from the Model that our feelings are created by our thoughts, not the circumstances. When a family member says something to us, that goes in the Circumstance line. What we think about that creates our feeling. So if we’re feeling guilty, we’re thinking something that creates guilt for us.

We’re responsible for how we feel, because of what we’re thinking, even though we’ve been conditioned to think other people are responsible for how we feel. When someone says something to us or about us, there’s a space between what they say and how we feel. That space is where we think thoughts that interpret and create meaning about what we heard.

We can agree with what someone says about us, or we can disagree. We may be able to find the truth in what they say, or they can be wrong about us. For example, if someone says, “You’re selfish for taking time for yourself.” If we feel guilty, we might be thinking, “Yeah, it is selfish of me,” or “Yeah, I shouldn’t be taking time for myself when there’s so much to do.”

There are other options as well. “Maybe I am selfish, but it’s important for me to take this time for myself. I know I’m still a helpful person,” or “She’s wrong that I’m selfish. I’m doing this so I can refresh and be able to give more later,” or “I know I give enough to others. This is for me.” These thoughts will create a different feeling than guilt.

Find the thought(s) that might be creating guilt. Decide if you want to keep thinking those thoughts or if you want to choose new ones that create a different feeling.

How can I set boundaries and be confident / comfortable with my own needs with the possibility of upsetting others?

Is it possible that others may be upset when we set boundaries and take care of our own needs? Yes. If others aren’t used to us setting boundaries with them, they may feel upset when we do. We set boundaries to keep our relationships healthy. We set boundaries to take care of ourselves. We can stay connected with others while setting boundaries.

We can even let others know that we value our relationships with them and are setting boundaries in order to maintain our relationships. Some language can look like this:

“I really appreciate our friendship and I also respect my time. If you continue to be more than 15 minutes late for our lunch dates, I will need to leave after 15 minutes and we can reschedule.”
“I love you and I do not want to do that. How else can I support you?”
“I want to help you and I can’t do it this weekend. Is there some other time that can work for both of us?”
“I like spending time with you and would like you to call before coming over. If you continue to come over without calling, I will ask you to leave and come back when it works for both of us.”
“I like living with you, but I don’t appreciate it when you use my things without asking. Would you be open to asking me first before using my things? OR If you keep using my things without asking, I will put them in a locked area.”
“I like talking to you on the phone and hearing about what’s going on for you. Sometimes when you call, I’m only able to talk for 10 minutes. I’ll let you know right when you call how much time I have to talk. If you have more to say after 10 minutes, I will need to continue our conversation at a different time.”

These are just a few examples of what’s possible to say in different situations while staying connected to the person and showing we value them.

The important part of setting boundaries is following through with the consequence, which is what WE will do if a boundary has been crossed—the “…then I will ____” part of the sentence. We need to decide whether it’s something we can follow through with or not. If we don’t, it’s like making an idle threat to someone and it doesn’t help us reinforce the boundary that we set.

Many of these examples prevent resentment from building up for us—when we don’t set boundaries, it can be easy to let things go on, even if we don’t like it. When we don’t like it, the other person doesn’t know unless we communicate with them. They think everything is fine, but we start to feel resentment. When we start feeling resentment, we start thinking about our relationships differently, maybe with dread. This isn’t part of keeping our relationships healthy. Remember, boundaries are something we do to take care of ourselves and to keep our relationships healthy.

Check out this video I created for more about setting and maintaining healthy boundaries.

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The Self-Coaching Model

December 20, 2022 ~ The Healing Modalities ~ 5 Comments

Take responsibility.

The Life Coach School, where I received one of my coaching certifications from, teaches the Self-Coaching Model. It looks like this:

Circumstances are neutral and factual. They’re things that are mostly not under our control, like the weather and traffic. Circumstances also include what people say/don’t say and do/don’t do.

Thoughts are phrases that our minds produce about the Circumstances.

Feelings are one-word vibrations in our bodies, like scared, angry, happy, sad, nervous, excited, etc. that come from our Thoughts.

Actions are what we do or don’t do based on our Feelings.

Results are what we create for ourselves in our lives regarding the Circumstance when we take/don’t take Actions.

Our Results usually provide evidence for our Thoughts.

We’ve been conditioned to think that our Feelings come from the Circumstances. But there’s a space between the Circumstance and the Feeling, which is our Thought about the Circumstance. Circumstances are all neutral until we apply a Thought to them. When we apply a Thought to our Circumstance, we judge the Circumstance as “good” or “bad” and everything in between.

To read more about how this can play out in terms of how we feel, see below.

When we think other people cause our feelings, it looks like this:

Me: I’m going to a 75-minute yoga class today.

Mom: I really need your help with something today. Do you have to go to the yoga class?

Me: Feels guilty. (Thinks it’s because Mom said what she said. In reality, it’s because I’m thinking “I should stay home and help Mom” or “I’m selfish for going to yoga when Mom needs help”)

Mom isn’t “making” me feel guilty. I’m thinking a thought (or multiple thoughts) that are creating the feeling of guilt for myself. I’m responsible for my feeling of guilt. Mom is responsible for what she says. She is not responsible for me feeling guilty, even if that’s her intention. It’s whether I agree with her or not that I’ll feel guilty. And I may WANT to feel guilty.

From the feeling of guilt, one option of an action I take–likely an automatic response–is that I don’t go to the yoga class and help Mom. But that likely creates resentment, even if I agreed to do it. It wasn’t what I really wanted to do for myself.

When I recognize that I don’t have to think a thought that makes me feel guilty, another option–one that takes a bit more effort–is that I communicate with Mom and find a solution that works for both of us. For example, “I hear that you need help with something and I do want to help you. I also want to go to this yoga class. Would it work for you to do the task later today so that I can help you then?”

Or if the truth is that I know the task is something that I’ll have to take time to figure out and I don’t have time to do it, I can tell the truth to Mom, “Mom, I’m sorry, I don’t know how to do that and it’ll take too long to figure out. Would you be able to ask ____ / call a ____ to help you do it instead?”

These are just a few options and only one of them come from the feeling of guilt. There are multiple possibilities of responses that might work in this situation. We just have to recognize our automatic responses and take some time to communicate and find other creative solutions instead.

The Unintentional Model (automatic response) looks like:

C – Mom says “I need help with something. Do you have to go to the yoga class?”

T – I’m selfish for going to yoga when Mom needs help

F – Guilty

A – I don’t go to the yoga class, I stay home and help Mom, I don’t stick with my plan of going to yoga, I do something I’d rather not do

R – I don’t allow myself to take time for myself; OR I create resentment for myself

The Intentional Model looks like:

C – Mom says “I need help with something. Do you have to go to the yoga class?”

T – It’s possible for me to do both things

F – Empowered

A – let Mom know I want to help, ask if she can do the task later so I can help her then

R – I find a solution that works for both of us

If we’re willing to slow down a bit, we’re likely able to find solutions that work best for us while staying connected with others.