Author: The Healing Modalities

It’s not better “there” than here

~ The Healing Modalities ~ Leave a comment

It’s just different.

When we set goals for ourselves, it’s easy to start thinking that when we finally achieve those goals, our lives will be better. 

Our lives will be different, not necessarily better. We may not have some of the problems we had before achieving our goal. But then we may have new problems after achieving our goal.

Life will still be 50/50, positive/negative.

But it’s tempting to think that “there” is better than where we are right now. We might start thinking:

“Once I get that promotion, I’ll be satisfied.”

“When I find my perfect partner, I’ll feel worthy.”

“Once I’ve lost the extra weight, I’ll love myself more.”

“When I buy a house, I’ll feel complete.”

“Once we have kids, our marriage will be more fulfilling.”

We can get focused on the “there” and forget about being here in the present moment. And when we place a lot of weight on getting “there,” we may be disappointed once we are “there” and we still don’t feel satisfied, worthy, loving, or complete. 

This is not to say that our goals aren’t important or that we shouldn’t have a vision of what we want for ourselves. But when we place so much responsibility on the future for the way we want to feel, we forget that we’re responsible for the way we’re feeling right now. 

“Being aware of the present moment simply means you never believe the illusion that the future is going to be better than what is going on right now.” – Mateo Tabatabai, The Mind-Made Prison

We can feel satisfied, worthy, loving, and complete right now by what we’re thinking about our life circumstances and ourselves. Our thoughts generate our feelings. We can fuel ourselves with the feelings we want to feel, take aligned actions, and create the future we want from here. 

Being “here” and creating our future from “here” is just as valuable and important as being “there” can be.

“Plan, dream, and organize all you want, just don’t start believing that what you have planned for the future is going to be any better than your current moment. You are going to be in the present moment your entire life. If you are focusing on how good the future is going to be, you are just running on the hamster wheel hoping to get somewhere. Life is right now in this glorious moment right in front of you. I believe that if you’re not allowing yourself to be happy right now, nothing external in the future is going to change that permanently.” – Mateo Tabatabai, The Mind-Made Prison

Your turn: What feelings do you think achieving your goals will generate for you? Do you believe you have the capacity to feel those feelings right now? What would happen if you didn’t need to wait for future circumstances to provide the feelings you want and that you can feel that way now? What would it look like for you to move towards your goals feeling now the way you think achieving those goals would feel?

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Stop quitting on yourself

~ The Healing Modalities ~ Leave a comment

Let it be hard.

Sometimes we make decisions that are hard because we love ourselves and want more for ourselves. A healthier body, better relationships, finding our purpose, a job that will challenge us, being more present in our lives. 

So we take the leap and make a decision.

We feel motivated and inspired at first, when our thoughts about what we’re doing make it easy to start out. But then it starts getting hard.

Most of the time, people don’t stick to what they say they want because it starts to get hard. 

When it starts to get hard, we feel uncomfortable. Our brains want to go back to what was easy, comfortable, and familiar. Even if that ease, comfort, and familiarity wasn’t in our best interests and is why we made the decision to create changes in our life in the first place.

When it gets hard, we may think: 

“A second helping just for tonight isn’t that bad” or 

“I can skip running today since I did it yesterday” or 

“Another drink won’t really hurt” or 

“I miss him so much, I’ll just text him to see how he’s doing.” 

These urges come up because we want to go back to what is easy, comfortable, and familiar. If we keep answering these urges by returning to what’s easy, comfortable, and familiar, we won’t get to the place where we pass through the “hard” part.

We can allow the urges–and any other feelings that come up–to be there without resisting or reacting to them. We can process them through instead. 

So let it be hard. And keep doing it anyway.

Keep sticking to the plan. Keep remembering why this is important. It was a decision to want more for ourselves because we love ourselves. To align with who we want to be and are becoming.

Here are some thoughts we can think during the hard parts:

“Doing this is hard and doing this is important to me.”

“This is the part where I want to have a second helping, but I’m sticking to my plan.”

“Running every day is hard and I can let it be hard for now.”

“Not having another drink is supposed to be uncomfortable for me.”

“Missing him is hard and I don’t need to text or call him. I’m making space for something new.”

When we can let it be hard, we will pass through to the other side of it. Then it will just become a regular part of what we do in our lives, a part of who we are. 

We become a person who doesn’t need a second helping or another drink. We become a person who works out every day. We become a person who takes care of themselves no matter what. We become a person who makes space to receive and have something or someone aligned with us. We become a person who shows up in the world the way we want to.

Your turn: Are you ready to stop quitting on yourself? Are you willing to let it be hard? What would happen if you let it be hard and got to the place where it’s just part of what you do and who you are? How would your life be better or different then?

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Confusion equals “safety”

~ The Healing Modalities ~ Leave a comment

Just decide.

Have you ever needed to make a decision about something but you allowed yourself to be confused about it instead? 

This could look like overanalyzing the pros and cons, asking other people for their opinion more than once, doing “more” research, and procrastinating on taking action.

It can be worrying about whether it’s the “right” or “wrong” choice.

So we let ourselves stay in the mode of “I don’t know.”

Our brains want to keep us safe and staying in “I don’t know” is one way it does this. 

When we keep telling ourselves “I don’t know” or “I need more information” or “How will I know this is the right choice?” we block ourselves from deciding, because deciding can be scary. 

Deciding means we will have to take action. 

Deciding means stepping into the unknown. 

Deciding means we could potentially fail. 

Deciding means possibly having a difficult conversation.

Deciding means we may have to take on more responsibility.

Deciding means we may be successful beyond our wildest dreams.

All of that can feel scary. And all of that will also help us grow if we’re willing to see our decision as an opportunity for growth. If we’re willing to learn what there is to learn from this choice, even if it ends up being the “wrong” choice. 

And personally, I don’t believe in “wrong” choices–they’re just experiences to learn from. And we can always change our minds.

Also, think about how much energy goes into being undecided. Our brains keep going over and over the options, the pros and cons, the potential outcomes, the worst-case scenarios, etc.–sometimes for hours or days or weeks. For the same decision. 

That’s a lot of brain space that could be used for more productive means. Like creating the life we want. But instead, we think and think without creating forward momentum from all that thinking.

One thing that is powerful when making decisions is to like our reasons. Are we making this decision because it’s the “easy” choice, where we don’t have to stretch or expand ourselves? Are we making this choice from a place of self-love or self-sabotage? 

When we like our reasons for our decision, there is liberation in deciding.

We won’t know what will happen until we decide and take the next steps. 

Your turn: Do you recognize when your brain is keeping you safe by being stuck in “I don’t know”? Are you willing to just decide instead and to like your reasons for your decision? Will this choice move you toward an inspiring future or will it keep you stuck in the past? What’s the worst-case scenario if you make the decision you want to make? How will you be able to survive it?

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You’re thinking your feelings

~ The Healing Modalities ~ Leave a comment

Feel instead.

The title of this post may seem a bit confusing. “What do you mean, I’m thinking my feelings?”

Many people use the phrase, “I feel like. . .” and they get this mixed up with how they’re feeling. When people say, “I feel like. . .” it’s actually a thought, not a feeling. 

When asked “How do you feel about it?” or when people are wanting to express their feelings but they’re actually expressing their thoughts, they may say:

“I feel like it’s unfair to them” – The thought is “It’s unfair to them” and the feeling might be “indignant” or “upset” or “frustrated” when someone thinks something is unfair.

“I feel like he disrespected me” – The thought is “He disrespected me” and the feeling might be “hurt” or “angry.” Some people might say the feeling is “disrespected” but go further than that. Is “disrespected” a feeling? What do you feel when you feel “disrespected”? It might be more like “angry” or “vengeful” or “hurt.”

“I feel like it’s been so long since I’ve seen you” – The thought is “It’s been so long since I’ve seen you” and the feeling might be “sad” or “hurt” when someone has been absent for a while, or “relieved” to see someone again after a long absence.

“I feel like it’s not working out” – The thought is “It’s not working out” and the feeling might be “disappointed” or “defeated” or “hopeless.”

“I feel like I’m doing a good job” – The thought is “I’m doing a good job” and the feeling might be “satisfied” or “competent” or “celebratory.”

Feelings and emotions are vibrations in our body. We can describe them in single words–as in the examples above–though we can feel different emotions at the same time. Feelings and emotions come from the thoughts we think.

And what we’re feeling will drive our actions or inactions. 

And our actions or inactions are what create the results we get in our lives. 

Therefore, we can be more engaged with our lives when we know what we’re thinking and feeling. 

It’s important to understand how we’re feeling because we experience life through our feelings. 

And what we feel comes from what we think about our life. What do you want to purposely think about your life so you can live a fulfilled and meaningful life? 

Your turn: How can you become more aware of your feelings? What is it like to actually feel the feelings in your body?  

If you’re open to it, try this self-inquiry: “When I’m feeling _____ (choose an emotion), where do I feel this emotion in my body? Does it stay still or does it move around? What color is it? Is it heavy, light, diffuse, solid? Is it hot, cold, warm? Can I be with this emotion and allow it instead of resisting, reacting to, or avoiding it? What happens when I allow it to be there and really feel it?”

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What happens when you don’t even try?

~ The Healing Modalities ~ Leave a comment

Fail ahead of time.

Many of us don’t attempt to do something because we’re afraid of failing. We’re afraid of what others will think of us if we fail. We’re afraid of what we’ll say and think to ourselves if we fail. 

So we avoid attempting the thing. But what happens when we don’t even attempt the thing? We’re actually FAILING AHEAD OF TIME. 

We fail ahead of time when we don’t even attempt it. At least when we attempt something, go for it, and then it doesn’t work out the way we wanted, we failed while taking action, while going after something. By not attempting it at all, we fail ahead of time. 

So if we’re willing to fail anyway by not taking action, what makes failing and taking action worse? At least we’ve attempted it. And in the attempt, what if we’re actually successful? Then what?  

“Failure” only hurts because of what we make it mean about ourselves. Does it suck to be rejected or to lose? It can. If we’re making it mean that we’re not worthy or that something is wrong with us. But if we think instead, “OK, that wasn’t the right fit. I gave it my best shot and feel good about how I showed up. Let’s see what happens with the next one.” 

If there is no “failing” but only winning and learning, we might be more willing to “fail”–because we’d only be learning something to move forward and grow, or creating a winning outcome for ourselves.  

When we don’t make failure mean anything about us and our worthiness, we can learn from each interaction or situation where things didn’t work out the way we wanted them to. 

We collect information from our attempt. 

We’re more willing to try something else or something different the next time. 

We’re open to learning from the experience. 

We’re willing to continue to show up with our best effort. 

And guess what happens when we continue to show up with our best effort? We might end up winning. 

Your turn: Are you willing to think about “failing” differently? What if “failing” doesn’t mean anything about yourself and is just a learning experience? What if “failing” is a way to gather data to get even better? What would happen if you got good at “failing”?

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Ready to stop people-pleasing?

~ The Healing Modalities ~ 2 Comments

Then you’ll have to stop lying.

I think we’re all familiar with the concept of people-pleasing. But we seldom think of it as lying.

It’s lying–to the people you’re trying to please and to yourself. 

People-pleasing is spending an inordinate amount of time worrying about what other people think of you, so you try to get them to like you by doing what you think they want. You do this at your own expense and at the expense of what you really want. So you might feel resentful and frustrated when people don’t do the same or appreciate the sacrifices you’re making. 

You think you can control what other people’s opinions are of you. But think about that. You’re trying to control other people’s minds. 

Have you ever experienced someone who tried to control your opinion of them? What did you think of them? Maybe they came across as a little creepy or a little needy? One thing is for sure: they weren’t being who they really are because they thought they needed to be who you wanted them to be. Does this sound familiar?

The truth is, we can’t control what other people think even when we try to. They will always get to choose what they want to believe about us. And, what they believe is about them, not us. When we show up in a way that is authentic, we can see which people like us for us and not for the people-pleasing we have been doing.

This is part of why people-pleasing is lying. You’re either lying about who you are or what you want to do. You’re also trying to get approval from other people when your own self-approval is much more powerful and meaningful.   

To have our own self-approval means we have to start liking and enjoying ourselves more. 

And we have to start letting others think what they want about us. This is difficult for most of us if we have become dependent on other people to try and feel good.

The first step to enjoying ourselves and our life is basic. We have to like ourselves. This isn’t easy for most of us.

This doesn’t mean liking ourselves passively. This means actively choosing to like ourselves on purpose.

This looks like: 

  • Listening to what you want.
  • Telling the truth and saying no sometimes.
  • Knowing your dreams and desires.
  • Taking care of yourself for the long run.
  • Working on your behalf.

When we become connected to our own self-approval, we start spending less energy on seeking others’ approval.

Your turn: What if the only true way to enjoy being yourself is to actually be yourself? Not some version of yourself you think others will like. Are you willing to stop lying and start telling the truth? What can you start doing to enjoy even more who you authentically are? How can you start becoming more connected to your own self-approval?

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Why are you being so mean (to yourself)?

~ The Healing Modalities ~ Leave a comment

We can be so judgy.

Do you notice the thoughts you tell yourself? Especially when things don’t go the way you want them to? In a situation with your friend, where things don’t turn out the way they wanted, you’d likely be supportive. You might say, “There’s something better out there for you,” or “You’re so great, you’ll find another opportunity in no time,” or “You learned a lot from this to take to the next experience,” or “I’m so sorry you’re disappointed. How can I support you?”

In these situations with yourself when things don’t turn out the way you want, what are the words you say to yourself? What do you make that situation mean about you?

It can be easy to beat ourselves up after a perceived failure. Instead of focusing on the facts of what happened or what we learned from the experience, we tend to make what happened mean something about ourselves. This can look like thinking to yourself, “I knew I wasn’t good enough,” or “What’s wrong with me? There’s got to be something wrong with me,” or “I’ll never get it right–I’m such a failure,” or “I shouldn’t be feeling like this. Get over it!”

The words we say to ourselves can be pretty mean. So not only have we “failed” at the thing we wanted, we then proceed to beat ourselves up for it–and feel even worse. And we’re likely the only ones telling ourselves these mean things and making ourselves feel terrible about it.

Then we start to hide, play it safe, and protect ourselves from “failing” again. So we don’t even attempt to go after what we want. But we’re only trying to avoid the words we say to ourselves, which create feelings of defeat, disappointment, hurt, and shame.

If we think we’re trying to avoid the judgment of others, in reality, we can’t control what they think about us. Even if we “succeeded” at something, there are still some people who will judge us for succeeding as much as they might judge us for failing. (And are you sure you want those people in your life?)

So if we’re not really avoiding the judgment of others, whose judgment are we trying to avoid? It could be the mean thoughts we’re used to telling ourselves.

Once we’re aware of what we say to ourselves, we have the power to change what we say and choose to be kinder to ourselves.

Your turn: What if there’s no such thing as failing, only winning or learning? How would you talk to yourself then? What thoughts about yourself could you have that are a little kinder? What if you talked to yourself and supported yourself the way you’d support a friend or even a kid-version of yourself who’s learning something new? What would you say to yourself then? And how would your relationship with yourself change?

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Why haven’t you done that yet?

~ The Healing Modalities ~ Leave a comment

It’s a matter of belief.

What do we believe we can do? Why? 

I recently read a book called The Story of You by Steve Chandler. In one part of the book, he talks about possibility and what we believe is possible for ourselves. I’ll share this passage because I think it’s very revealing:

“What do we now really have the power to do? 

Let’s start here, then: we do what we believe we can do.

Isn’t that right?

Don’t we wake up each day and do what we believe is possible to do? If we didn’t think it was possible, why would we waste time doing it? Or even thinking about doing it? If I don’t believe it’s possible for me to play for the Phoenix Suns, I’m not going to pencil in a try-out on my daily calendar. I’m not even going to think about it. We simply ignore things we don’t think are possible.

So Step One in the failure of the human being to achieve his or her potential is that the human being only does what he believes he can do. 

Failure Step Two is this: we only believe we can do what we’ve done before.

Is that not true? How else do I really believe I can do something? The surest and most common way is to remember that I have done it before. So I say to myself, ‘I can do this. I’ve done this before.’

But this grim two-step doesn’t leave much room for growth. If I only do what I believe I can do—and I only believe I can do what I’ve done before—then I’m kind of stuck, aren’t I? My only possibilities for today are to do what I’ve done before. Isn’t that why most people keep repeating their habits, day after day after day? They find their wheel. They get on it. And go around.”

. . . . .

I used to think it would be impossible for me to fast for 24 hours–even though I fast for 14-16 hours a day on a regular basis. Those 8-10 hours more seemed unreachable.

But then a few months ago, I decided to go all-in and believe that I could do a 24-hour fast anyway. I wanted to see what those additional 8-10 hours of fasting would be like. I wanted to find out if it was possible for me to do it when I decided to believe that I could. I made it an exploration to see what would come up for me: how I would feel physically, what I would think mentally, what I would tell myself, how many times I would want to give up.

I was open to whatever came up for me and I was committed to making it to the 24-hour mark no matter what. I would let myself feel hungry. I would let myself think it was hard. I would let myself feel deprived. By hour 22, I was very aware of how close I was to hour 24. But when the 24th hour approached, I was surprised I wasn’t ravenous and even went 30 minutes more past the 24 hour mark. 

So I did it and discovered something: fasting for 24 hours wasn’t impossible for me like I thought it was. And after I did it once, the fact that I had done it and that it wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be, I was willing to do it again. Since last July, I’ve done about five 24-hour fasts. But before July, I hadn’t done one ever before (maybe besides being sick with the flu, but that wasn’t on purpose) because I didn’t think it was possible. Now I know it is. 

If I was able to do something I used to believe wasn’t possible for me, what else is possible for me to do once I change my belief about it? Once I decide to go all-in and attempt it? 

Your turn: What do you limit yourself from achieving in your life by believing it’s impossible for you? What would happen if you tried it? Like really go all-in and believe that you can do it and then attempt it? What would happen for you then?

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Are you committed or just interested?

~ The Healing Modalities ~ Leave a comment

What’s the difference? 

As we come to the start of a new year, people think about changes they want to make in their lives. Sometimes they have a long list of things they want to do or change. Sometimes they have just one, two, or three big things. 

No matter what you have in mind, ask yourself this: Am I wanting to make these changes or am I committed to making these changes?

Wanting to make changes is more like simply being interested in making the changes. When we want something, we have a desire or wish for something. It seems like a good idea. It doesn’t require any action to want something or be interested in something.

When we’re committed to something, it requires us to follow through on a course of action. It’s a promise to do something. Commitment requires action.  

How do you know if you’re just interested or if you’re committed? If you have some ideas of changes you’d like to make in the new year, think about each thing and see how it lines up with the “interested” or the “committed” thoughts below.  

Interested thoughts (you allow things to get in the way of your goal):

  • My boss gave me a tight deadline, so I can’t go to the gym today (goal is to exercise every day)
  • I’m too tired to meditate this morning (goal is to meditate every morning)
  • It’s too cold to go for a run today (goal is to run 4x a week)
  • I deserve to have this treat because my day was so stressful (goal is to eat less sugar)
  • I just finished a big project so I’m treating myself to a purchase (goal is to spend less)
  • I don’t feel like it today
  • This is too hard

Committed thoughts (your goal is your priority):

  • I’m going to do this no matter what
  • This is worth it even if it’s hard sometimes
  • I can do hard things
  • I’m choosing to make this a priority for me today
  • Even though it’s cold out, I’m still going to do it
  • This is important to me so I’m going to stick with my plan

Your turn: Are you committed to making changes in your life or are you just interested? What would happen if you don’t make the change you say you want to make? What would happen and who would you become if you did?

As we head into the New Year, reflect on what your wins were for 2021. What do you want to do or be better at in 2022? What new results do you want to create for yourself?

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What if you started your day differently?

~ The Healing Modalities ~ Leave a comment

You’re in charge.

Do you look at your phone and check email the minute you wake up?

I did this when I worked in private equity. Every morning, my alarm would go off and since it was on my phone, I turned it off and had my phone in my hand. So naturally, I’d immediately check my emails to see what my day might look like.

It seems like a productive thing to do, right? To “prepare for your day.”

I want to offer that when you do this, your day might appear to “come at” you.

All the requests from other people and all the time you need to spend on emailing others for info, looking for info, and creating responses once you have the info. Along with the other meetings and projects you had planned to do that day. It might be overwhelming. Starting your day immediately feeling overwhelmed likely doesn’t contribute to productivity in a way that serves you.

What would happen if you didn’t look at your phone and check emails the minute you wake up?

I’ve talked to clients who said they feel anxious just thinking about not checking email first thing.

What if instead, you have an alarm that’s separate from your phone? And what if you took five minutes after waking up to start your day in a way that you want.

This could look like intentional breathing, a short meditation, or some gentle movement and stretches for your body.

It could look like lying in bed and recalling a dream you had or just savoring those five minutes for yourself.

It could look like writing down your thoughts or drinking a glass of water to rehydrate your body and feeling it flow through your system.

It could look any way you want it to look. This creates space for you to step into your day the way you want to. Instead of having your day come at you.

Your turn: How would your days change if you stepped into them the way you want to? What would happen if you start by exploring with five minutes to yourself at the start of your day, without your phone? And what if you could stretch that to 10 minutes? What about 20 or 30 minutes?

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