Your boundaries with YOU

November 14, 2024 ~ The Healing Modalities ~ Leave a comment

Build trust.

We’ve been talking about boundaries with other people for the past few weeks. Let’s talk about boundaries with ourselves today.

What this looks like is keeping commitments to ourselves or keeping our word to ourselves.

If we are the keepers of our own boundaries with others and we take the actions to maintain those boundaries, we can do the same with ourselves.

We may want to set a boundary for ourselves around the following:

Boundary between work and home (for those who work from home)
Boundary for when we look at or check our phones
Boundary for how much time we spend on social media
Boundary around time spent watching streaming shows
Boundary around how much sugar we eat
Boundary around how much caffeine or alcohol we drink
Boundary around how much active time we have
Boundary for when we choose to go to sleep every night

We can make plans for all these boundaries. What creates boundary violations with ourselves is when we don’t stick to the plan.

We worked two more hours than we planned to.
We have one more drink than we planned to.
We scrolled on social media for 45 minutes longer than we planned to.
We ate two cookies instead of one.
We went to bed at midnight instead of 10:30pm.
We didn’t exercise like we planned to.

Many of us are very good at keeping commitments to others, especially if we don’t want to disappoint them or let them down. What happens when we don’t keep our commitments to others? They may feel let down and disappointed. We may feel guilty or disappointed in ourselves.

What happens when we don’t keep our commitments to ourselves? We are the ones who feel BOTH things–let down by ourselves AND guilty or disappointed in ourselves. We get a double whammy.

When we don’t follow through with our commitments to ourselves, we erode our trust with ourselves. This makes us less likely to even make plans for ourselves to commit to because we might think, “What’s the point? I probably won’t do it anyway.”

To build trust with ourselves, we can practice keeping commitments to ourselves with compassion. We make the plan (the boundary) and we take the actions to maintain the plan (keeping the boundary). If we miss the mark once, we don’t just give up. We give ourselves grace and practice taking action again.

It feels good to keep a commitment. The more we do it, the more trust we build with ourselves. And that can have positive effects on everything we do.

Your turn: What plans (boundaries) do you want to put into place for yourself? Are you willing to be committed to being the keeper of your plans (boundaries)? How would your life be different if you kept your commitment to maintaining your boundaries with yourself?

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What’s on your mind? It can be powerful to learn from each other and our common struggles when it comes to our practice of self-care–or just being a human being. If you have something you’re struggling with and would like some perspective, share it here. Your issue may be chosen and addressed in the next post–it’ll be totally anonymous.

When saying “no” isn’t really an option

November 7, 2024 ~ The Healing Modalities ~ Leave a comment

Also, the election.

First, whatever you may be thinking and feeling after Tuesday’s election, we are all in this together. We know there’s a way forward, no matter what. It’s likely that half of the country feels like the world is over, and the other half may feel relieved.

Whatever happened does not change who YOU are.

When you know who you are, who you want to be, and how you want to show up for your life, whatever happened with the election has less power over you.

We can still value true friends, family, our resources, and community. And we can take action in solidarity with others when we feel called to help those around us and in our wider society. We can still know what is right for us.

We can stay true to our CORE VALUES. And allow ALL the feelings and ACT in solidarity with others who share similar values when we feel called to act. We can still live our lives in alignment with OUR values.

And if you’re feeling a desire for connection or support, I welcome hearing from you, so feel free to comment on this post or reach out anonymously here . . .

Last week I talked more about boundaries and how saying “yes” sometimes is lying. I encouraged us to tell the truth by saying “no” when we want to say “no” instead of lying and saying “yes.”

However, it’s also true that saying “no” usually has a cost involved, whether it’s emotional, financial, interpersonal, or something else. There can be a cost. And so, “no” might not be accessible in certain situations. And we get to decide when it IS accessible and when it ISN’T accessible for us.

However, I want to introduce the “pause.”

We can think of the “pause” as the boundary – especially when we have automatically been saying yes. The “pause” helps us to make a more informed decision about our response, so that it’s not an automatic response of “yes” or “no” or even “maybe.”

We might not be able to say “no,” but we can engage in the “pause.”

The “pause” can take various forms depending on the mode of communication. When it’s in a live conversation, it could sound like, “Thanks for asking me about that. Let me check and get back to you.” When it’s an incoming phone call, the pause looks like letting the phone call go to voicemail and seeing what the person wants instead of just answering your phone. When it’s a text message, you can leave the message unread until you have time to respond in a way you want. When it’s an email, same as the text message. And even when you do read the text or email, you can respond and say, “Let me check and get back to you.”

All of these things are negotiable, of course. You can absolutely pick up your phone depending on who it is. And you can also not pick it up depending on who it is. You can absolutely respond to a text message or email quickly. But you get to choose ON PURPOSE.

You get to decide how and when you want to respond, no matter what the situation is.

And let’s say in the situation, you can’t say “no” or “let me check and get back to you” for whatever reason. Maybe it’s financial, or maybe you do the math, and you can’t say “no.” Then you bookmark this for yourself.

And what that means is you recognize that you’re not able to say “no” now, but maybe in three months or a year from now, “I want to be able to be closer to saying no in this type of situation.” And by acknowledging the cost of saying “no,”, you have agency in that decision instead of having it be an automatic response that usually makes us feel like we had no power or agency in that response. We can acknowledge that we might not yet be great at setting boundaries, but we want to work towards being better at it.

So I appreciate this bookmarking concept for that purpose – practicing towards where we want to be and still supporting ourselves where we’re at now.

I know for me, working with a coach was helpful to build my confidence in setting boundaries and saying “no,” as well as learning the language to help me stay connected while setting boundaries.

What thoughts do you have about the “pause” or bookmarking where you’d like to be better with setting boundaries? I’d love to hear from you! You can reply to this email or leave your thoughts here.

Your turn: Where in your life might using the “pause” be beneficial for you? Where in your life might bookmarking a way to set boundaries more be helpful for you?

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Set boundaries & stay connected?

October 24, 2024 ~ The Healing Modalities ~ Leave a comment

Here’s how.

We’re continuing our discussion about boundaries this week and I want to emphasize that we set boundaries to take care of ourselves and to keep our relationships healthy for us.

Because our relationships are important to us, we can state our requests and boundaries from a place of connection instead of disconnection. Stating a boundary from anger, annoyance, or frustration usually isn’t helpful to a relationship.

It’s our job to protect and be responsible for our boundaries. We can make requests, but ultimately we can’t force someone to do something. We can choose to leave or take action to protect our boundary. If we see that the other person frequently disregards our boundary requests, we may decide to create some distance with them and how we interact with them in our life, and let them know why.

Most people think boundaries are something that they’re not. When it comes down to it, much of what we think needs a boundary is due to our own lack of self-care.

To review, a boundary is required only when there has been a boundary violation.

A violation is when someone comes into our space (physical or emotional) without us being OK with it.
A boundary is stating what WE will do if that person continues their behavior.
It is NOT us telling that person how to behave.

Additionally, if we make a boundary request and don’t follow through on what we say we’ll do, we’ve only made an idle threat or consequence. This diminishes our own self-respect and the other person’s respect for us.

A boundary request sounds like this: “If you continue to _____, then I will ______.”

For example, “I don’t appreciate being berated, so don’t yell at me,” is NOT setting a boundary. It’s telling someone else what to do.

“I hear that this is important to you and I don’t appreciate being berated. So if you continue to yell, then I’m going to leave the room until we can talk without you yelling,” is setting a boundary while wanting to stay connected.

The person can continue to yell. The consequence that we follow through with is leaving the room if they do. We used a connection phrase to start by acknowledging the other person with “I hear that this is important to you.” Other connection phrases:

“I appreciate you and your perspective, and if you continue to _____, then I will _____.”
“I value our relationship and time together, and if you keep _____, then I will ______.”
“I love you, and I’m not going to do that (thing that you asked me to) because it really doesn’t work for me. How else can I support you?”
“I hear that you feel disappointed with my decision. I’m here to help in a way that works for both of us.”

What other questions do you have about boundaries? Let me know here.

Your turn: What boundary requests would benefit you if you made them? Do you have a clear request and a clear consequence/action that you’ll take if the other person violates your boundary? How can you keep the relationship connected while setting a clear boundary?

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Ready to set boundaries?

October 17, 2024 ~ The Healing Modalities ~ Leave a comment

Feel the discomfort.

I haven’t talked about boundaries in a while and my next podcast episode that’s out today is about boundaries, so I’m revisiting them here too!

Sometimes people mix up setting boundaries with trying to control others. We do not create boundaries for other people. We create boundaries to take care of and protect ourselves.

Boundaries are not:

Ways to control or manipulate other people
Things you think other people should be doing (e.g. “I want my partner to clean the bathroom,” “I want my friend to call me back when I call her,” “I want my kid to clean her room.”)

We can learn to recognize when to use and talk about boundaries. This means having a clear sense of what and where our boundaries are. When we don’t have clear boundaries, people don’t know if they’re violating them or not.

When there is a clear boundary violation, such as someone speaking to us in a demeaning way or someone doing something in our home that’s not allowed, then we have the boundary conversation.

The conversation includes making a clear request along with stating a clear consequence. The consequence is something that WE will do, an action or behavior that WE will take.

Here’s an example of a clear boundary: “If you smoke a cigarette in my house, I am going to ask you to leave my house. We don’t allow smoking here. This is what I will do if you smoke.”

It’s important to remember that the person we’re making the request of can continue to do whatever they would like to do. Human beings can smoke cigarettes if they want. It’s not a boundary violation until they come into our home or our car or our space and try to smoke cigarettes there.

Notice that when we make the request, “If you continue to do that, then I will…” the consequence is the behavior that WE will take. It’s not, “You need to stop smoking or else.” We’re making the request and then explaining what WE will do as the consequence of not following that request.

So why don’t we set boundaries when we know we want to? Because usually it’s difficult and uncomfortable to make these requests and establish consequences with the people in our lives.

Sometimes it’s so uncomfortable for us that we avoid making the requests. Or if we do make the requests, we don’t actually follow through on the consequences. Because that’s uncomfortable too – doing what we say we’ll do when someone violates a boundary means potentially risking our relationship with that person or facing their disapproval.

But then what happens when we don’t make these requests or when we don’t follow through on the consequences? People continue to violate our boundaries.

And we get upset and build up resentments. Usually we’re the only ones feeling this way, because the people who continue to violate our boundaries either don’t know they’re doing so or don’t think there are any consequences for doing so.

There’s a lot more to say about boundaries – more next week!

Your turn: Are you recognizing why you might not be setting boundaries that would benefit your life? What would you have to believe in order to make the requests and follow through on the consequences? How can you practice saying what you want to say instead of avoiding setting boundaries with people?

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Telling the truth by saying “no”

March 17, 2022March 17, 2022 ~ The Healing Modalities ~ Leave a comment

So that “yes” actually means “yes.”

We’re continuing our boundary discussion. Last week we talked about some examples of boundary requests and consequences/actions.

We are the keepers of our boundaries and we’re responsible for taking the actions to maintain them.

Many people aren’t good at saying “no.” Or when they do say “no,” they try to offer an explanation–usually a lie–in order to control what the other person thinks of them.

We often say “yes” when we really want to say “no” because we’re afraid of what other people will think of us. This is part of people-pleasing. (Read more about people-pleasing.)

But when we aren’t able to tell the truth out of self-respect and say “no,” we end up lying and saying “yes.” This is how we set ourselves up for boundary violations.

When we do this, we create the potential for resentment to build in us.

Think about what happens when we don’t start out by telling the truth about our boundaries–by not being able to say “no” when we want to–and end up experiencing boundary violations. We then have to do the harder work of circling back to prevent further boundary violations.

This can look like “standing up” for ourselves because the person who is violating our boundary has been doing so for a while now and not knowing that they are. So now we’re also likely setting this boundary out of anger as well. To the other person, it’s like we’re “coming out of nowhere” with our boundary request and exploding at them for no reason.

If we’re willing to say “no” at the outset, we don’t have to stand up for ourselves. We’ll just simply tell the truth and say “no” at the beginning to avoid other potential boundary violations.

We have to get good at telling the truth and saying “no” while staying connected as a practice, so we can say “yes” to what we really want to do.

Then our “yes’s” will also be telling the truth.

Your turn: When do you find yourself lying by saying “yes” when you really want to say “no”? What would you need to believe in order to tell the truth by saying “no”? What are some ways you can recognize when you want to say “no,” honoring that in yourself, and practice saying “no” when it’s the truth? How can you feel empowered to be the keeper of your boundaries and be responsible for taking the actions to maintain them?

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Work with me: Want to create a more meaningful life in which you start committing to yourself and get to show up the way you want? I can show you how. I offer first-time seekers a complimentary 60-minute exploratory session. Sign up here.

So you want to set a boundary?

March 10, 2022 ~ The Healing Modalities ~ Leave a comment

OK, here’s how.

We’re revisiting boundaries this week.

Most people think boundaries are something that they’re not. When it comes down to it, much of what we think needs a boundary is due to our own lack of self-care.

To review, a boundary is required only when there has been a boundary violation.

A violation is when someone comes into our space (physical or emotional) without permission.

A boundary is stating what WE will do if that person continues their behavior.

It is not us telling that person how to behave.

For example, “I don’t appreciate being berated, so don’t yell at me,” is not setting a boundary. It’s telling someone else what to do.

“I hear that this is important to you and I don’t appreciate being berated. So if you continue to yell, I’m going to leave the room until we can talk without you yelling,” is setting a boundary. The person can continue to yell. You’ll just leave the room if they do.

Another example, “When I have my door closed, it means I’m busy. Please knock first and wait for my response. If you come in without waiting for a response, I’m going to ask you to come back later.”

When someone calls and wants to download all their current drama: “Hi Allen, I want to hear what you have to say and I’m available to talk for 20 minutes tonight. When the time’s up and if you have more to say, I’m going to stop you and we can continue our conversation on another night.”

We set boundaries because we want to keep our relationships healthy. Because our relationships are important to us, we can state our requests and boundaries from a place of connection instead of disconnection. Stating a boundary from anger, annoyance, or frustration usually isn’t helpful to a relationship.

Additionally, if we make a boundary request and don’t follow through on what we say we’ll do, we’ve only made an idle threat or consequence. This diminishes our own self-respect and the other person’s respect for us.

Here’s an example: Klara and her family moved down the block from her mother-in-law (MIL). Her MIL started coming over to their house and entering because Klara would leave the front door unlocked. Klara started to change her mind and not appreciate her MIL’s unexpected visits. So whenever her MIL came over unexpectedly, Klara would feel upset and resentful, but wouldn’t say anything directly to her MIL.

Her MIL had no idea Klara was feeling upset, so she kept coming over, likely thinking she was being a good MIL and spending time with her grandkids.

After some coaching, Klara did make the following request, “I know you like spending time with the kids and I want to be able to plan for any visits, so please call before coming over.”

Because this wasn’t a strong boundary (Klara didn’t say what she would do if her MIL didn’t call before coming over), her MIL kept coming over unexpectedly without calling. There was no clear consequence or action that Klara would take if the boundary was violated.

Finally, after more coaching, Klara made this boundary request, “I enjoy having you spend time with the kids, but sometimes we’re doing our own thing. Please call before coming over to check with me first. If you don’t call and check first, the door will be locked and we may be busy doing other things.”

Klara kept the door locked and her MIL learned to call first to check if it was okay to come over. Sometimes Klara would say that it was okay and sometimes she would ask her MIL to come at a certain time or to come the next day. Instead of feeling resentful, Klara was able to feel genuine appreciation for the time her MIL did spend at their house.

Next week, we’ll look at why saying “no” on its own is not setting a boundary.

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