You deserve the whole loaf

April 24, 2025 ~ The Healing Modalities ~ Leave a comment

With honey butter.

I used to convince myself that I was happy in relationships where I really wasn’t. I told myself that wanting more was asking too much. That the scraps I was given were enough—if I just tried harder, stayed complaisant, didn’t demand things.

I remember being with someone who didn’t want the same things I wanted, and instead of honoring my own truth, I contorted myself into someone I thought he would want. I told myself I was fine. That this was love.

But it wasn’t. It was me abandoning myself for the sake of keeping the relationship.

We do this in all kinds of ways—not just in romantic relationships.
We mistrust ourselves.
We minimize our needs.
We shrink our voices.
We edit our desires to stay connected, to stay approved of, to stay “safe.”

The thing is, the relationship that suffers most when we do this is the one we have with ourselves.

We stop listening to our gut.
We override our knowing.
We become strangers to our own needs and wholeness, chasing crumbs of validation while starving for the fullness of self-trust.

And over time, that internal erosion leaves us disconnected—not just from others, but from our true and full selves.

The turning point, for me, was realizing:
I don’t want crumbs.
I want the whole loaf.
And more than that—I deserve it.

Not because I proved myself worthy.
Not because someone else finally said I was.
But because I decided to stop abandoning myself and start trusting what I want, what I feel, and what is true for me.

Because staying in a relationship—whether romantic, professional, or even familial—shouldn’t come at the cost of losing you.

Your Turn:

Is there a place in your life where you’re settling for crumbs?
What might change if you trusted your desires instead of downplaying them?
What would self-loyalty look like in that area of your life?
See the poem I wrote here about deserving the whole loaf.

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Work with me: Want to see how self-care is transformative and can help you create the results you want in your life? I can show you how. I offer first-time seekers a complimentary 45-minute exploratory session. Sign up here.

What’s on your mind? It can be powerful to learn from each other and our common struggles when it comes to our practice of self-care–or just being a human being. If you have something you’re struggling with and would like some perspective, share it here. Your issue may be chosen and addressed in the next post–it’ll be totally anonymous.

Rise Stronger

April 23, 2025April 23, 2025 ~ The Healing Modalities ~ 1 Comment

And so, I crept on the ground

Small and insignificant

Curled myself

Into myself

For so long

Accepted crumbs off the loaf

I didn’t know how to deserve

For so long

Until my body took the lead

Over my mind

Reflected the weakness within

That became the weakness without

Shutting down systems of organs

A blood poisoned betrayal

For so long

Intruding upon and invading

A worn down heart gasps

Sustenance, sustenance, sustenance

Anesthesia flows through vessels

Soul floats above unconscious body

For so long

Eleven hours cracked open

Reparation of my heart

Fueled revolution of my life

Broken down, built back up

Cradled, shaped and molded, slowly

For so long

Until, until I rise strong

A firebird hatched, vulnerable and new

Learning to spread wings wide

Lifting up, up to the sky

In creation and celebration

Say goodbye to the life lived so small

Grieve and mourn what can no longer be

Praise and give gratitude for something more

That is me

Reflected back to me

I see my value now, self-worth that was

For so long

Pushed down inside, rise

Rise strong

And I feel you getting near

Asking me to know my value

My worth

Before you can know it too

And I do, I do

I revel now in my revelation

Believing that I deserve the whole loaf

Receive it even with honey butter

How to enjoy being you

April 17, 2025 ~ The Healing Modalities ~ Leave a comment

It’s a practice.

What does enjoying “being you” look like?

When we don’t like ourselves, it’s hard to enjoy being ourselves. But sometimes we don’t even realize we don’t like ourselves—until we notice how often we’re getting frustrated and upset with ourselves.

This might look like quickly overcommitting to things. Staying up late rethinking what we said. Trying to be the perfect version of ourselves wherever we are.

This isn’t a flaw. It’s a signal. These are clues pointing us back to the part of us that’s still trying to earn belonging.

A client once shared this with me:

She had just finished a long workday when a friend texted asking for help on something she’d procrastinated on. My client’s instinct was to say No. She was exhausted.

But what came out was, “Of course! No problem.”
Then she stayed up past midnight trying to finish both her friend’s request and her own to-do list.

The next day she felt tired and irritated—and really, disappointed in herself.

We explored it together and underneath the resentment wasn’t just over-giving. It was the belief: If I say no, she might not like me.
And beneath that: I don’t feel like I’m enough as I am.

When we don’t like ourselves, it shows up in these quiet ways. But that doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with us. It just means we’ve learned to measure our worth by how others respond to us.

That’s why liking yourself is a practice. It’s not a personality trait, something you either have or don’t have.

It’s something you build—the same way you would a relationship. Because it’s your relationship with yourself.
We practice with presence, with care, with forgiveness. And maybe even a little humor.

We don’t have to wait until we’ve “fixed” ourselves to start liking ourselves.
We just have to be willing to have our own back. No matter what.

And like any practice, we get better by doing it.

Your Turn:

What’s one way you notice yourself hustling for approval?
What’s something you appreciate about who you are right now—without changing a thing?
How can you practice having your own back this week?

The most powerful kind of approval

April 10, 2025 ~ The Healing Modalities ~ Leave a comment

Your own.

I used to run around trying to prove I was worthy.

I overworked myself at my job. I volunteered on weeknights and weekends. I said “yes” to everyone and everything.

I thought if I did enough, I’d finally feel valuable. But because I didn’t know how to approve of myself, I kept seeking that approval from others—and at my own expense.

What I didn’t know back then: You can seek your own approval.

In fact, your own approval is the most important of all. Because only you get to decide whether you approve of yourself.

Even when we try to seek approval from others, we can’t control what people think of us. People will form opinions based on them—their experiences, conditioning, values, beliefs—not necessarily based on us.

Imagine being in a room with 10 people. You say or do something meaningful to you. Chances are, you’ll get 10 different interpretations. You didn’t change what you did—but each person filters it through their own lens.

If we’re chasing approval from all 10 people, we might get praise from a few… and judgment from a few others. It’s a losing game, and it pulls us away from who we really are.

Instead, we can learn to ask:
“How do I want to show up?”
“What feels aligned for me?”

When we act from our values—when we behave in ways we’re proud of—we can approve of ourselves, regardless of what anyone else thinks.

Now, I still do a lot of things. But I’m no longer doing them to prove my worth.

I do them because I want to. Because I know I have value to contribute. Because I know I’m already worthy.

But most of us weren’t taught that we’re already worthy. I know I wasn’t.

What we’re often taught is that worth has to be earned—through performance, achievement, likability. That if we want to belong, we have to please. That if we want to be accepted, we have to keep the peace.

But real belonging never asks you to betray yourself.

When we build self-approval, we become more able to connect authentically—with people who see us clearly, and who love us as we are. We stop bending and breaking ourselves to be palatable. We start showing up as more of ourselves. And from that place, real belonging becomes possible.

Your turn:

Do you believe that you are already 100% worthy?

If not, could you try on the thought: “It’s possible that I’m already 100% worthy”?

What might change if you practiced believing that?

Where in your life are you tempted to hide or perform to feel like you belong?

What would it look like to bring more of your true self into those spaces?

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Need to be needed

March 7, 2024 ~ The Healing Modalities ~ Leave a comment

By you.

How many of us have felt the “need to be needed” by other people? We might feel this need because we think it gives us meaning. We might think it gives us purpose. We might think it gives us value.

I think it can do all of those things. And we can also let needing to be needed get the best of us.

When that happens, it looks like needing to feel indispensable so you don’t lose your job. Or needing to be needed in a relationship so the other person doesn’t leave you. Or needing to be needed so you feel like you matter.

When we feel the “need to be needed” in these ways, it’s part of our evolutionary survival selves. We want to belong and not get outcast by the tribe. So we seek to control outcomes in order to feel safe or secure. We become the person who takes care of everything, who has all the answers, who knows where everything is, who takes care of everyone else.

Or we become the person who makes the plans all the time, who always stays late after work to help someone who had to leave early, who puts out fires, who does all the things. In our efforts to feel needed, we put others before ourselves and our needs. And sometimes we feel resentful and unappreciated.

In small and intentional doses, being needed can be a normal part of being on a team or in partnership. However, if it becomes a pattern – or is even automatic and maybe not questioned – not only does this become exhausting, but we lose sight of taking care of ourselves because we’re too busy worrying about and taking care of others. And sometimes, this comes from an unconscious need to seek our value and worth outside of ourselves.

This is not to say that we stop being considerate or thoughtful of others, or withdraw our care or team effort from them, but rather, we can start thinking about what WE truly need and want.

Just so we know it for ourselves.

Because others might not always need us. Kids grow up, relationships end, friendships change, people get laid off. People change their minds. But you know who will always need you? YOU.

Need to be needed by YOU. You need YOU to be there for you. You need YOU to support you. You need YOU to believe in you. You need YOU to take care of you. YOU will always be there for you, no matter what.

When we start intentionally being there for ourselves, we might find that we can be there for others with less resentment, less anger, less overwhelm and more presence, connection, compassion, and curiosity.

Your turn: Do you have a need to be needed? What does needing to be needed by YOU feel like? In what ways do you need to be needed by you?

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When you’re feeling burnt out

December 29, 2022 ~ The Healing Modalities ~ Leave a comment

“Want to” vs. “have to.”

This week I’m responding to two more questions! As we move towards 2023, I wish you clarity, courage, and compassion. See you in 2023–Happy New Year!

What kind of self-care is needed when you are fully burned out (physically, mentally, emotionally)? Any motivation tips.

In our culture of “productivity as self-worth,” we’re conditioned to think we always need to be doing something in order to feel valuable or worthy. If we’re not “using our time wisely,” we’re “wasting” it.

We may feel overwhelmed by what we make it mean about ourselves if we do/don’t do something, rather than the task or activity itself.

We can ask ourselves why we think we need/want to do these things in the first place. Is there some extrinsic or intrinsic value we think we’ll receive? What are we making it mean about ourselves? Will it add value to our lives? Do we think we’ll be or feel more valuable or worthy if we do it? To whom?

When we are trying to do all the things to prove our worth to others or even ourselves, we may burn ourselves out in the attempt. We get to decide that we are already 100% worthy. From that place of worthiness, what do we REALLY want to do because it’ll add value to our lives?

Part of self-care is choosing from this place, instead of thinking that we HAVE to do things in order to prove something to others. If we want to show ourselves what’s possible for us by doing the things, that’s also different than trying to prove to others something about ourselves.

How do I maintain healthy habits with mental health fluctuations or when something breaks my routine (i.e. getting sick)?

When we’re sick, allowing ourselves to rest and take care of ourselves without feeling guilty is key. This may sound simple, but because of our societal conditioning, we may feel guilty for resting, even though we’re sick.

I recently had the flu and initially wanted to feel better right away so I could get back to work. But when the next day came, I still felt sick and also disappointed that I wasn’t feeling better yet. I had an expectation that I’d feel better more quickly than I was, and that expectation added some stress on top of being sick. We do this type of thing often—not only do we feel physically bad, but we pile negative emotions about feeling bad on top of that.

Just like allowing emotions to be there without resisting them, when I finally allowed myself to be sick instead of resisting it, and canceled work and other plans, I was able to give my body the rest and care it needed—lots of warm fluids and lots of sleep. Without feeling guilty or like I was missing out on something I was supposed to be doing. And without having expectations that I should feel better right away. What I was supposed to be doing at that time was feeling sick and resting. Even though I wasn’t able to do my usual routines, that was okay because I knew I’d get back to them once I felt better.

Similar to the previous question and response, we may think we’re wasting time because we’re sick and can’t be productive. We may feel guilty or disappointed, like we’re letting others down. What we’re really doing is allowing ourselves to heal and rest, taking care of ourselves. If we tried to do things while we were sick, we’d be letting ourselves down and likely prolonging the sickness by not resting properly. So next time you get sick, what if you allow yourself to be sick and to have it take as long as it takes to feel well again?

In terms of mental health fluctuations, we may be feeling overwhelmed or burnt out because of what we’re thinking about our life and the things we think we’re “supposed” to be doing. It’s okay to ask for help. It’s okay to acknowledge that we might not be able to do everything we want to do.

Again, it’s an opportunity to look at the things on our list and to ask ourselves why are we doing these things? What are the things we WANT to do instead of the things we think we HAVE to do? And can we ask for help with any of these things?

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Work with me: Want to see how self-care is transformative and can help create a more meaningful life in which you start committing to yourself and show up the way you want? I can show you how. I offer first-time seekers a complimentary 45-minute exploratory session. Sign up here.