The most powerful kind of approval

April 10, 2025 ~ The Healing Modalities ~ Leave a comment

Your own.

I used to run around trying to prove I was worthy.

I overworked myself at my job. I volunteered on weeknights and weekends. I said “yes” to everyone and everything.

I thought if I did enough, I’d finally feel valuable. But because I didn’t know how to approve of myself, I kept seeking that approval from others—and at my own expense.

What I didn’t know back then: You can seek your own approval.

In fact, your own approval is the most important of all. Because only you get to decide whether you approve of yourself.

Even when we try to seek approval from others, we can’t control what people think of us. People will form opinions based on them—their experiences, conditioning, values, beliefs—not necessarily based on us.

Imagine being in a room with 10 people. You say or do something meaningful to you. Chances are, you’ll get 10 different interpretations. You didn’t change what you did—but each person filters it through their own lens.

If we’re chasing approval from all 10 people, we might get praise from a few… and judgment from a few others. It’s a losing game, and it pulls us away from who we really are.

Instead, we can learn to ask:
“How do I want to show up?”
“What feels aligned for me?”

When we act from our values—when we behave in ways we’re proud of—we can approve of ourselves, regardless of what anyone else thinks.

Now, I still do a lot of things. But I’m no longer doing them to prove my worth.

I do them because I want to. Because I know I have value to contribute. Because I know I’m already worthy.

But most of us weren’t taught that we’re already worthy. I know I wasn’t.

What we’re often taught is that worth has to be earned—through performance, achievement, likability. That if we want to belong, we have to please. That if we want to be accepted, we have to keep the peace.

But real belonging never asks you to betray yourself.

When we build self-approval, we become more able to connect authentically—with people who see us clearly, and who love us as we are. We stop bending and breaking ourselves to be palatable. We start showing up as more of ourselves. And from that place, real belonging becomes possible.

Your turn:

Do you believe that you are already 100% worthy?

If not, could you try on the thought: “It’s possible that I’m already 100% worthy”?

What might change if you practiced believing that?

Where in your life are you tempted to hide or perform to feel like you belong?

What would it look like to bring more of your true self into those spaces?

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Work with me: Want to see how self-care is transformative and can help you create the results you want in your life? I can show you how. I offer first-time seekers a complimentary 45-minute exploratory session. Sign up here.

What’s on your mind? It can be powerful to learn from each other and our common struggles when it comes to our practice of self-care–or just being a human being. If you have something you’re struggling with and would like some perspective, share it here. Your issue may be chosen and addressed in the next post–it’ll be totally anonymous.

Where does authenticity live?

April 3, 2025 ~ The Healing Modalities ~ Leave a comment

Not with people-pleasing.

We’re all familiar with the concept of people-pleasing, but we don’t often think about why we do it.

At its core, people-pleasing is a way of behaving that’s driven by external pressure—seeking approval, avoiding conflict, or trying to control how others perceive us. It’s rooted in extrinsic motivation: we do things not because they’re aligned with our own desires, but because we hope to gain something from others or avoid their disapproval.

The irony is that when we act from this place of external motivation, we end up feeling disconnected from ourselves. We’re performing for others, but losing touch with our own authenticity.

I recently started reading the book Why We Do What We Do, by Edward Deci. He explains that real motivation—the kind that leads to fulfillment and long-lasting change—comes from within. Intrinsic motivation is about doing something because it’s meaningful to us, because it aligns with our true self. It’s not about how others see us or what they expect of us.

When we act from intrinsic motivation, we feel more free, more willing, and more committed to our choices. We’re not just going along with what others want or expect; we’re consciously choosing what feels right for us.

When we think about it this way, people-pleasing can become a kind of dishonesty—not just with others, but with ourselves. We’re not being true to who we are. We’re not acting autonomously; we’re letting the desire for approval dictate our actions.

So how do we shift from people-pleasing to authenticity? We start by noticing when we’re acting from a place of fear or obligation rather than genuine desire. We can ask ourselves:

Am I doing this because it’s truly important to me, or because I’m worried about what others will think?
Does this choice feel aligned with my values, or am I just trying to avoid conflict or rejection?
If I were motivated by my own joy and integrity, how might I act differently?

To become more connected to our own self-approval, we have to practice choosing ourselves on purpose—prioritizing our own well-being, setting boundaries, and letting others think what they will. The more we act from a place of intrinsic motivation, the more we step into our authentic selves.

Your Turn:
What would it look like to prioritize your own self-approval today? How can you shift from doing what you think you “should” do to doing what you genuinely want to do?

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Do you seek your own approval?

October 3, 2024 ~ The Healing Modalities ~ Leave a comment

It’s the best.

Most of us aren’t taught to believe that we’re already worthy. What we are taught is to believe that we have to perform, achieve, and accomplish in order to feel worthy and valuable. That we have to please everyone and get everyone to like us to feel worthy and valuable.

We were not taught that our own self-approval, self-acceptance, and our thoughts about ourselves are more important than what other people think about us or even what we think other people think about us.

Much of the time, we do things because of what we think other people will think about us.

It’s exhausting, isn’t it?

We’ve been conditioned to do this. But we can’t control what other people think. Not if we do “good” things or if we do “bad” things. They will think whatever they want about us and that’s based on them and not us.

Because everyone has their own interpretations based on their past and lived experiences, their identities, their conditioning, their beliefs and values, their current thoughts, and many other factors.

So if we can’t control what other people think about us, it’s true that we may lose their approval – or gain it – independent of what we actually DO.

But do you know whose approval we can always have? Our own.

We build our self-approval through our thoughts about ourselves. Not through what we do for our work or job, what we do or don’t do for others, or what we do well or don’t do well.

We build our self-approval through our relationship with ourselves. Our relationship with ourselves is built on what we think about ourselves.

What kind of thoughts do we have about ourselves? What do we think when we look in the mirror? What do we think when we make a mistake? What do we think when something goes the way we wanted it to go? When it doesn’t go the way we want it to go? What do we make it all mean about ourselves? These are all thoughts about ourselves.

Once we become aware of our current thoughts about ourselves, we can see whether they’re in alignment with how we want to feel about ourselves. Are we being kind and supportive to ourselves? What do we enjoy about ourselves?

And this doesn’t mean we don’t accept feedback from others – in fact, having our own approval and having our own back helps to OPEN US UP to others’ feedback. Because we don’t take it personally. We don’t let it damage our self-esteem or destroy our self-worth. Because we’re not seeking our esteem or worth from outside ourselves.

We can hear feedback and take it in and decide if we’d like to make adjustments based on what we hear. We can choose to adjust or we can choose not to. But it’s not in order to please others. It’s based on how WE want to show up in the world differently or not.

Your turn: What does it feel like to seek your own approval without worrying about the approval of others? What does it feel like to have your own back no matter what? How much time and energy might you save if you seek your own approval vs. seeking others’ approval? How would your decisions be different?

I talk more about this concept in my latest podcast episode, out today at 3:30pm Pacific! Episode 13: Unconditional Love & Lovability. You can check it out here: Apple Podcasts, Spotify, YouTube.

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Managing negative self-talk

May 23, 2024May 23, 2024 ~ The Healing Modalities ~ Leave a comment

Practices to try.

When I was first embarking on my self-care journey and figuring out what self-care meant and looked like for me, I had some help along the way.

I received ideas from my therapist, the books I read, workshops I attended, and my holistic life coaching program. I created the 3 Pillars of Transformative Self-Care. One of the three pillars is how we speak to and about ourselves.

Many of us have a habit of negative self-talk that we might not even be aware of. Some of us are aware of it, but don’t know what to do about it. Today, I’m sharing three helpful practices around how we speak to and about ourselves, in case they’re helpful to you, where you’re at.

If you have any specific area you’re working on in your life and would like a relevant practice for that, please let me know here and I’ll share the requests and responses/practices in future emails.

Practice #1

I used to race through my days and not pause to check-in with myself. I didn’t even know that checking-in with myself was an option, or something that could be helpful to me. But checking-in with ourselves is a powerful reminder that we matter, that what we’re feeling and needing is important.

To check-in with yourself, you can ask, “What am I feeling? When I feel this way, what do I need? What is the kindest thing I can do for myself in this moment?”

Practice #2

Most of us are very busy seeking approval from outside of ourselves so we try to do all the things – and we exhaust ourselves or think we don’t have time for self-care because we’re so “busy” all the time. We forget – or don’t even recognize – that our own approval of ourselves matters the most. Because we can’t control what other people think about us, no matter how much we DO, or the circumstances that grant us approval. WE are the only guarantee of approval when we seek it. So why not practice accepting our own approval?

We can do this by practicing the affirmation or mantra, “I approve of myself.” Repeat multiple times daily.

Practice #3

I’ve shared this practice before, but it’s worth repeating because of its power. This is mirror work.

– Stand in front of a mirror.
– Look yourself in the eyes.
– Say “thank you” to yourself.
– What do you feel when you do that? Is it easy? Hard? Comforting? Uncomfortable? Cringey? Why?
– Practice at least twice a day until you feel comfortable saying “thank you” to yourself – where you accept your own thanks, smile, and feel good while doing it.

This practice helps us appreciate ourselves and to value what we see in the mirror when we stand in front of it.

All of these practices can support us in caring for ourselves more by helping us connect to ourselves and remember that we matter, that we are valuable, that we are worthy of self-care.

Your turn: Pick one practice to engage with this week. Next week, choose another one. Make one up for yourself, if that feels good to you. These are ways you can quiet the negative self-talk and strengthen the compassionate, supportive self-talk, so that you can start caring for yourself even more.

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Get out of your own way

April 4, 2024 ~ The Healing Modalities ~ Leave a comment

How?

Are you getting in your own way? If so, what does that look like for you?

It might look like feeling stuck in a life that you know could be better or different. It could be staying at a “safe” job because you feel too scared to pursue something you could really love. It might be not losing 20 pounds because “dieting has never worked for you.” It could be staying in a “situation-ship” because you don’t believe you’ll find someone better. It could be that you’re burning yourself out at work because you’re not setting boundaries.

For me, I got in my own way by:

– Letting other people define my value and worth
– Hustling for worthiness (trying to DO all the things to prove my worthiness)
– Wanting someone to “save” me from my “mediocre” life
– Not setting boundaries
– Ignoring my body
– Flaking on myself
– Lying to myself and others, aka people-pleasing
– Thinking I wasn’t good enough
– Not asking for help
– Thinking I needed to have it all figured out

I used to seek approval from external sources. This is a losing game because we can never get enough approval if we only seek it from outside ourselves. Other people and things can be unreliable in providing us with approval. The way to fulfill this need for approval is to give it to ourselves.

Recognizing that, these are some ways I practice getting out of my own way:

– Asking myself, “What brings me joy?”
– Taking responsibility for my life and emotions
– Setting boundaries in multiple areas of my life
– Connecting with my body, listening to it, honoring it
– Being kinder to myself
– Keeping commitments to myself
– Paying attention to my thoughts
– Allowing all the feelings – be willing to feel any feeling
– Telling the truth to myself, then to others
– Having my own back
– Loving myself no matter what
– Practice, practice, practice

Some of these things might sound familiar because they are things I’ve talked about and shared with you in the past through these weekly posts. 🙂

AND, I’m excited to announce: to dive deeper and learn more about getting out of your own way, you can tune in to my new show, “Get Out of Your Own Way” on Transformation Talk Radio!

My show premieres today, April 4th, at 3:30pm Pacific time! You can catch it by going here.

My show will also be available as a podcast on all the platforms where you listen to podcasts. Stay tuned!

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Ready to stop people-pleasing?

January 19, 2022January 20, 2022 ~ The Healing Modalities ~ 2 Comments

Then you’ll have to stop lying.

I think we’re all familiar with the concept of people-pleasing. But we seldom think of it as lying.

It’s lying–to the people you’re trying to please and to yourself.

People-pleasing is spending an inordinate amount of time worrying about what other people think of you, so you try to get them to like you by doing what you think they want. You do this at your own expense and at the expense of what you really want. So you might feel resentful and frustrated when people don’t do the same or appreciate the sacrifices you’re making.

You think you can control what other people’s opinions are of you. But think about that. You’re trying to control other people’s minds.

Have you ever experienced someone who tried to control your opinion of them? What did you think of them? Maybe they came across as a little creepy or a little needy? One thing is for sure: they weren’t being who they really are because they thought they needed to be who you wanted them to be. Does this sound familiar?

The truth is, we can’t control what other people think even when we try to. They will always get to choose what they want to believe about us. And, what they believe is about them, not us. When we show up in a way that is authentic, we can see which people like us for us and not for the people-pleasing we have been doing.

This is part of why people-pleasing is lying. You’re either lying about who you are or what you want to do. You’re also trying to get approval from other people when your own self-approval is much more powerful and meaningful.

To have our own self-approval means we have to start liking and enjoying ourselves more.

And we have to start letting others think what they want about us. This is difficult for most of us if we have become dependent on other people to try and feel good.

The first step to enjoying ourselves and our life is basic. We have to like ourselves. This isn’t easy for most of us.

This doesn’t mean liking ourselves passively. This means actively choosing to like ourselves on purpose.

This looks like:

Listening to what you want.
Telling the truth and saying no sometimes.
Knowing your dreams and desires.
Taking care of yourself for the long run.
Working on your behalf.

When we become connected to our own self-approval, we start spending less energy on seeking others’ approval.

Your turn: What if the only true way to enjoy being yourself is to actually be yourself? Not some version of yourself you think others will like. Are you willing to stop lying and start telling the truth? What can you start doing to enjoy even more who you authentically are? How can you start becoming more connected to your own self-approval?

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Work with me: Want to create a more meaningful life in which you get to show up the way you want, be fully present, and engage purposefully? I can show you how. I offer first-time seekers a complimentary 60-minute exploratory session. Sign up here.