Tag: saying no

When saying “no” isn’t really an option

~ The Healing Modalities ~ Leave a comment

Also, the election.

First, whatever you may be thinking and feeling after Tuesday’s election, we are all in this together. We know there’s a way forward, no matter what. It’s likely that half of the country feels like the world is over, and the other half may feel relieved. 

Whatever happened does not change who YOU are. 

When you know who you are, who you want to be, and how you want to show up for your life, whatever happened with the election has less power over you.

We can still value true friends, family, our resources, and community. And we can take action in solidarity with others when we feel called to help those around us and in our wider society. We can still know what is right for us.

We can stay true to our CORE VALUES. And allow ALL the feelings and ACT in solidarity with others who share similar values when we feel called to act. We can still live our lives in alignment with OUR values.

And if you’re feeling a desire for connection or support, I welcome hearing from you, so feel free to comment on this post or reach out anonymously here . . . 

Last week I talked more about boundaries and how saying “yes” sometimes is lying. I encouraged us to tell the truth by saying “no” when we want to say “no” instead of lying and saying “yes.”

However, it’s also true that saying “no” usually has a cost involved, whether it’s emotional, financial, interpersonal, or something else. There can be a cost. And so, “no” might not be accessible in certain situations. And we get to decide when it IS accessible and when it ISN’T accessible for us.

However, I want to introduce the “pause.” 

We can think of the “pause” as the boundary – especially when we have automatically been saying yes. The “pause” helps us to make a more informed decision about our response, so that it’s not an automatic response of “yes” or “no” or even “maybe.”

We might not be able to say “no,” but we can engage in the “pause.”

The “pause” can take various forms depending on the mode of communication. When it’s in a live conversation, it could sound like, “Thanks for asking me about that. Let me check and get back to you.” When it’s an incoming phone call, the pause looks like letting the phone call go to voicemail and seeing what the person wants instead of just answering your phone. When it’s a text message, you can leave the message unread until you have time to respond in a way you want. When it’s an email, same as the text message. And even when you do read the text or email, you can respond and say, “Let me check and get back to you.”

All of these things are negotiable, of course. You can absolutely pick up your phone depending on who it is. And you can also not pick it up depending on who it is. You can absolutely respond to a text message or email quickly. But you get to choose ON PURPOSE. 

You get to decide how and when you want to respond, no matter what the situation is.

And let’s say in the situation, you can’t say “no” or “let me check and get back to you” for whatever reason. Maybe it’s financial, or maybe you do the math, and you can’t say “no.” Then you bookmark this for yourself. 

And what that means is you recognize that you’re not able to say “no” now, but maybe in three months or a year from now, “I want to be able to be closer to saying no in this type of situation.” And by acknowledging the cost of saying “no,”, you have agency in that decision instead of having it be an automatic response that usually makes us feel like we had no power or agency in that response. We can acknowledge that we might not yet be great at setting boundaries, but we want to work towards being better at it.

So I appreciate this bookmarking concept for that purpose – practicing towards where we want to be and still supporting ourselves where we’re at now. 

I know for me, working with a coach was helpful to build my confidence in setting boundaries and saying “no,” as well as learning the language to help me stay connected while setting boundaries.

What thoughts do you have about the “pause” or bookmarking where you’d like to be better with setting boundaries? I’d love to hear from you! You can reply to this email or leave your thoughts here.

Your turn: Where in your life might using the “pause” be beneficial for you? Where in your life might bookmarking a way to set boundaries more be helpful for you?

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Work with me: Want to see how self-care is transformative and can help you create the results you want in your life? I can show you how. I offer first-time seekers a complimentary 45-minute exploratory session. Sign up here.

What’s on your mind? It can be powerful to learn from each other and our common struggles when it comes to our practice of self-care–or just being a human being. If you have something you’re struggling with and would like some perspective, share it here. Your issue may be chosen and addressed in the next post–it’ll be totally anonymous.

When saying “yes” is a lie

~ The Healing Modalities ~ Leave a comment

Tell the truth: say “no.”

We’re continuing our boundary discussion. Last week we talked about some examples of boundary requests and consequences/actions. 

We are the keepers of our boundaries and we’re responsible for taking the actions to maintain them.

Many people aren’t good at saying “no.” Or when they do say “no,” they try to offer an explanation – usually a lie – in order to control what the other person thinks of them. 

We often say “yes” when we really want to say “no” because we’re afraid of what other people will think of us. This is part of people-pleasing. (Read more about people pleasing here.)

But when we aren’t able to tell the truth out of self-respect and say “no,” we end up lying and saying “yes.” This is how we set ourselves up for boundary violations.

When we do this, we create the potential for resentment to build in us.  

Think about what happens when we don’t start out by telling the truth about our boundaries – not being able to say “no” when we want to – and end up experiencing boundary violations. We then have to do the harder work of circling back to prevent further boundary violations. 

This can look like “standing up” for ourselves because the person who is violating our boundary has been doing so for a while now and not knowing that they are. So now we’re also likely setting this boundary out of anger as well. To the other person, it’s like we’re “coming out of nowhere” with our boundary request and exploding at them for no reason.

If we’re willing to say “no” at the outset, we don’t have to stand up for ourselves. We’ll just simply say “no” at the beginning to avoid other potential boundary violations.

We have to get good at telling the truth and saying “no” while staying connected as a practice, so we can say “yes” to what we really want to do. 

Then our “yes” will also be telling the truth. 

Next week, we’ll look at what to say when saying “no” is really not an option. 

Your turn: When do you find yourself lying by saying “yes” when you really want to say “no”? What would you need to believe in order to tell the truth by saying “no”? What are some ways you can recognize when you want to say “no,” honoring that in yourself, and practice saying “no” when it’s the truth? How can you feel empowered to be the keeper of your boundaries and be responsible for taking the actions to maintain them?

Subscribe if you want to receive this content directly in your inbox.

Work with me: Want to see how self-care is transformative and can help you create the results you want in your life? I can show you how. I offer first-time seekers a complimentary 45-minute exploratory session. Sign up here.

What’s on your mind? It can be powerful to learn from each other and our common struggles when it comes to our practice of self-care–or just being a human being. If you have something you’re struggling with and would like some perspective, share it here. Your issue may be chosen and addressed in the next post–it’ll be totally anonymous.

Telling the truth by saying “no”

~ The Healing Modalities ~ Leave a comment

So that “yes” actually means “yes.”

We’re continuing our boundary discussion. Last week we talked about some examples of boundary requests and consequences/actions. 

We are the keepers of our boundaries and we’re responsible for taking the actions to maintain them.

Many people aren’t good at saying “no.” Or when they do say “no,” they try to offer an explanation–usually a lie–in order to control what the other person thinks of them. 

We often say “yes” when we really want to say “no” because we’re afraid of what other people will think of us. This is part of people-pleasing. (Read more about people-pleasing.)

But when we aren’t able to tell the truth out of self-respect and say “no,” we end up lying and saying “yes.” This is how we set ourselves up for boundary violations.

When we do this, we create the potential for resentment to build in us.  

Think about what happens when we don’t start out by telling the truth about our boundaries–by not being able to say “no” when we want to–and end up experiencing boundary violations. We then have to do the harder work of circling back to prevent further boundary violations. 

This can look like “standing up” for ourselves because the person who is violating our boundary has been doing so for a while now and not knowing that they are. So now we’re also likely setting this boundary out of anger as well. To the other person, it’s like we’re “coming out of nowhere” with our boundary request and exploding at them for no reason.

If we’re willing to say “no” at the outset, we don’t have to stand up for ourselves. We’ll just simply tell the truth and say “no” at the beginning to avoid other potential boundary violations.

We have to get good at telling the truth and saying “no” while staying connected as a practice, so we can say “yes” to what we really want to do. 

Then our “yes’s” will also be telling the truth. 

Your turn: When do you find yourself lying by saying “yes” when you really want to say “no”? What would you need to believe in order to tell the truth by saying “no”? What are some ways you can recognize when you want to say “no,” honoring that in yourself, and practice saying “no” when it’s the truth? How can you feel empowered to be the keeper of your boundaries and be responsible for taking the actions to maintain them?

Subscribe if you want to receive this content directly in your inbox.

Work with me: Want to create a more meaningful life in which you start committing to yourself and get to show up the way you want? I can show you how. I offer first-time seekers a complimentary 60-minute exploratory session. Sign up here.