“Have to” vs. “want to”

December 26, 2024 ~ The Healing Modalities ~ Leave a comment

Empowered semantics.

“I have to go over to my in-laws’ place for the holidays this year.”

“I have to pay my taxes.”

“I have to pick my kid up from school at 2pm.”

“I have to buy her a gift.”

How many of us say that we “have to” do something when in actuality, we probably WANT to do that thing.

Even if it might feel like a bit of an obligation, NOT doing it might cause more trouble than we want. So instead of thinking that we HAVE to do something, a change in semantics here actually helps us to feel more empowered about our choices.

We can say that we WANT to do something.

Because when it comes down to it, we’re actually making empowered choices here.

When we go over to our in-laws’ place for the holidays – even if we might feel less than happy to – we can say that we WANT to go. We are choosing to go in order to prevent whatever consequences would happen if we chose not to go.

When we pay our taxes – even if it’s not our favorite thing to do and feels like a hassle – we can say that we WANT to pay our taxes. Because by paying our taxes, we’re avoiding the consequences of choosing not to pay our taxes.

“I want to pick my kid up from school at 2pm.”

“I want to buy her a gift.”

Sometimes a slight semantic change can create a big mindset change. And that mindset change can support us in feeling more empowered in our lives. We realize we’re making choices instead of having no agency and feeling obligated. Feeling obligated can feel disempowering.

However, this is not to say that we need to always change our mindset from feeling obligated to feeling empowered. Having this option actually helps us recognize what we DO want to do and what we feel obligated to do. And when we aren’t able to use semantics to change our mindset, that’s when we move to boundaries.

Your turn: Try it for yourself. When you find yourself saying or thinking “I have to…,” try changing it to “I want to…” and see where you stand. Does it help you feel more empowered in that situation? If it doesn’t, what kind of boundaries might you want to set instead?

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Work with me: Want to see how self-care is transformative and can help you create the results you want in your life? I can show you how. I offer first-time seekers a complimentary 45-minute exploratory session. Sign up here.

What’s on your mind? It can be powerful to learn from each other and our common struggles when it comes to our practice of self-care–or just being a human being. If you have something you’re struggling with and would like some perspective, share it here. Your issue may be chosen and addressed in the next post–it’ll be totally anonymous.

When you don’t feel “good enough”

December 5, 2024 ~ The Healing Modalities ~ Leave a comment

One of the things many of my clients struggle with is not feeling “good enough.”

When we don’t feel good enough, we do things to try to prove that we’re good enough. This is how it can show up in our lives:

Working without boundaries, i.e. overworking
Not asking for help when we need it – sometimes being unaware that we even need help
Thinking we need to be and look “perfect” all the time
Talking to ourselves in critical, judgmental ways if we aren’t “perfect” – usually without knowing it
Staying too long – in relationships, jobs, homes
Doing so much that we’re unable to take time for ourselves
Grasping onto things that aren’t in our best interest in order to prove something to ourselves and/or others – lifestyle, relationship, job, etc.

Those things are usually unhealthy behaviors. And sometimes we’re not aware that they’re unhealthy until it’s too late. And that’s OK. That’s how we learn what isn’t working for us. And it’s a path forward to learning what DOES work for us, in healthier ways.

It’s OK to find out what isn’t working in order to move towards what does work – it’s probably the most common way we learn things. Sometimes we learn from our past experiences, a line in a book we’re reading, a story about someone else’s experience, or just being sick and tired of being sick and tired.

I learned about some of my unhealthy behaviors through therapy and life coaching. And I’ve been doing the work to become healthier and engage in my life in ways that DO work for me. It’s been so fulfilling to live differently by living INTENTIONALLY with awareness of what I’m creating in my life.

So I’ve created an introductory coaching series called “Tools to Change Your Life” to support others on their own path to becoming aware of what ISN’T working for them, so they can discover what DOES work for them.

You can consider this program for yourself or for someone in your life who could benefit from a program like this!

Learn More & Purchase

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Talk about what hurts

November 21, 2024 ~ The Healing Modalities ~ Leave a comment

To heal.

“We’ll never be okay if we don’t talk about what hurts.” – Ashley Ford (https://www.ashleycford.net/bio)

I heard this quote mentioned on a podcast I listened to and it resonated with me. So often, we talk about everything BUT what really hurts.

We bottle up our emotions and wonder why we feel so much resentment, powerlessness, guilt, or shame.

Sometimes we don’t even tell ourselves the truth about what really hurts us because it’s “easier” not to think about it. But then not thinking about it actually makes our lives harder in some ways because we disconnect from our truth – and from ourselves. We hide from ourselves or tell ourselves it’s not a big deal, that we need to get over it, that we’re “stronger” than this.

I think what helps us feel stronger is when we tell the truth and actually talk about it instead of denying it to ourselves. Talking to trusted friends or family members might feel supportive. Or talking to a therapist, counselor, or coach might feel safer – someone more objective and who has tools to hear us and empower us to move forward.

For me, seeing a therapist regularly to talk about what hurts was one of the most empowering things I’ve done for myself. When I let myself be vulnerable and saw that someone else could hold space for that vulnerability, I allowed myself to then learn to hold space for myself in that way. I allowed myself to be more vulnerable with myself and then with others. I stopped hiding myself so much and this is what also allowed me to be more authentic and aligned with who I am. I started to feel okay with who I was.

One revelatory truth for me during therapy was, “I am okay . . . I have always been okay . . . and I will always be okay.”

Your turn: What hurts have you been denying or hiding from yourself? How might talking about them help you? Who is someone that you can talk to?

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Your boundaries with YOU

November 14, 2024 ~ The Healing Modalities ~ Leave a comment

Build trust.

We’ve been talking about boundaries with other people for the past few weeks. Let’s talk about boundaries with ourselves today.

What this looks like is keeping commitments to ourselves or keeping our word to ourselves.

If we are the keepers of our own boundaries with others and we take the actions to maintain those boundaries, we can do the same with ourselves.

We may want to set a boundary for ourselves around the following:

Boundary between work and home (for those who work from home)
Boundary for when we look at or check our phones
Boundary for how much time we spend on social media
Boundary around time spent watching streaming shows
Boundary around how much sugar we eat
Boundary around how much caffeine or alcohol we drink
Boundary around how much active time we have
Boundary for when we choose to go to sleep every night

We can make plans for all these boundaries. What creates boundary violations with ourselves is when we don’t stick to the plan.

We worked two more hours than we planned to.
We have one more drink than we planned to.
We scrolled on social media for 45 minutes longer than we planned to.
We ate two cookies instead of one.
We went to bed at midnight instead of 10:30pm.
We didn’t exercise like we planned to.

Many of us are very good at keeping commitments to others, especially if we don’t want to disappoint them or let them down. What happens when we don’t keep our commitments to others? They may feel let down and disappointed. We may feel guilty or disappointed in ourselves.

What happens when we don’t keep our commitments to ourselves? We are the ones who feel BOTH things–let down by ourselves AND guilty or disappointed in ourselves. We get a double whammy.

When we don’t follow through with our commitments to ourselves, we erode our trust with ourselves. This makes us less likely to even make plans for ourselves to commit to because we might think, “What’s the point? I probably won’t do it anyway.”

To build trust with ourselves, we can practice keeping commitments to ourselves with compassion. We make the plan (the boundary) and we take the actions to maintain the plan (keeping the boundary). If we miss the mark once, we don’t just give up. We give ourselves grace and practice taking action again.

It feels good to keep a commitment. The more we do it, the more trust we build with ourselves. And that can have positive effects on everything we do.

Your turn: What plans (boundaries) do you want to put into place for yourself? Are you willing to be committed to being the keeper of your plans (boundaries)? How would your life be different if you kept your commitment to maintaining your boundaries with yourself?

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When saying “no” isn’t really an option

November 7, 2024 ~ The Healing Modalities ~ Leave a comment

Also, the election.

First, whatever you may be thinking and feeling after Tuesday’s election, we are all in this together. We know there’s a way forward, no matter what. It’s likely that half of the country feels like the world is over, and the other half may feel relieved.

Whatever happened does not change who YOU are.

When you know who you are, who you want to be, and how you want to show up for your life, whatever happened with the election has less power over you.

We can still value true friends, family, our resources, and community. And we can take action in solidarity with others when we feel called to help those around us and in our wider society. We can still know what is right for us.

We can stay true to our CORE VALUES. And allow ALL the feelings and ACT in solidarity with others who share similar values when we feel called to act. We can still live our lives in alignment with OUR values.

And if you’re feeling a desire for connection or support, I welcome hearing from you, so feel free to comment on this post or reach out anonymously here . . .

Last week I talked more about boundaries and how saying “yes” sometimes is lying. I encouraged us to tell the truth by saying “no” when we want to say “no” instead of lying and saying “yes.”

However, it’s also true that saying “no” usually has a cost involved, whether it’s emotional, financial, interpersonal, or something else. There can be a cost. And so, “no” might not be accessible in certain situations. And we get to decide when it IS accessible and when it ISN’T accessible for us.

However, I want to introduce the “pause.”

We can think of the “pause” as the boundary – especially when we have automatically been saying yes. The “pause” helps us to make a more informed decision about our response, so that it’s not an automatic response of “yes” or “no” or even “maybe.”

We might not be able to say “no,” but we can engage in the “pause.”

The “pause” can take various forms depending on the mode of communication. When it’s in a live conversation, it could sound like, “Thanks for asking me about that. Let me check and get back to you.” When it’s an incoming phone call, the pause looks like letting the phone call go to voicemail and seeing what the person wants instead of just answering your phone. When it’s a text message, you can leave the message unread until you have time to respond in a way you want. When it’s an email, same as the text message. And even when you do read the text or email, you can respond and say, “Let me check and get back to you.”

All of these things are negotiable, of course. You can absolutely pick up your phone depending on who it is. And you can also not pick it up depending on who it is. You can absolutely respond to a text message or email quickly. But you get to choose ON PURPOSE.

You get to decide how and when you want to respond, no matter what the situation is.

And let’s say in the situation, you can’t say “no” or “let me check and get back to you” for whatever reason. Maybe it’s financial, or maybe you do the math, and you can’t say “no.” Then you bookmark this for yourself.

And what that means is you recognize that you’re not able to say “no” now, but maybe in three months or a year from now, “I want to be able to be closer to saying no in this type of situation.” And by acknowledging the cost of saying “no,”, you have agency in that decision instead of having it be an automatic response that usually makes us feel like we had no power or agency in that response. We can acknowledge that we might not yet be great at setting boundaries, but we want to work towards being better at it.

So I appreciate this bookmarking concept for that purpose – practicing towards where we want to be and still supporting ourselves where we’re at now.

I know for me, working with a coach was helpful to build my confidence in setting boundaries and saying “no,” as well as learning the language to help me stay connected while setting boundaries.

What thoughts do you have about the “pause” or bookmarking where you’d like to be better with setting boundaries? I’d love to hear from you! You can reply to this email or leave your thoughts here.

Your turn: Where in your life might using the “pause” be beneficial for you? Where in your life might bookmarking a way to set boundaries more be helpful for you?

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When saying “yes” is a lie

October 31, 2024 ~ The Healing Modalities ~ Leave a comment

Tell the truth: say “no.”

We’re continuing our boundary discussion. Last week we talked about some examples of boundary requests and consequences/actions.

We are the keepers of our boundaries and we’re responsible for taking the actions to maintain them.

Many people aren’t good at saying “no.” Or when they do say “no,” they try to offer an explanation – usually a lie – in order to control what the other person thinks of them.

We often say “yes” when we really want to say “no” because we’re afraid of what other people will think of us. This is part of people-pleasing. (Read more about people pleasing here.)

But when we aren’t able to tell the truth out of self-respect and say “no,” we end up lying and saying “yes.” This is how we set ourselves up for boundary violations.

When we do this, we create the potential for resentment to build in us.

Think about what happens when we don’t start out by telling the truth about our boundaries – not being able to say “no” when we want to – and end up experiencing boundary violations. We then have to do the harder work of circling back to prevent further boundary violations.

This can look like “standing up” for ourselves because the person who is violating our boundary has been doing so for a while now and not knowing that they are. So now we’re also likely setting this boundary out of anger as well. To the other person, it’s like we’re “coming out of nowhere” with our boundary request and exploding at them for no reason.

If we’re willing to say “no” at the outset, we don’t have to stand up for ourselves. We’ll just simply say “no” at the beginning to avoid other potential boundary violations.

We have to get good at telling the truth and saying “no” while staying connected as a practice, so we can say “yes” to what we really want to do.

Then our “yes” will also be telling the truth.

Next week, we’ll look at what to say when saying “no” is really not an option.

Your turn: When do you find yourself lying by saying “yes” when you really want to say “no”? What would you need to believe in order to tell the truth by saying “no”? What are some ways you can recognize when you want to say “no,” honoring that in yourself, and practice saying “no” when it’s the truth? How can you feel empowered to be the keeper of your boundaries and be responsible for taking the actions to maintain them?

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Set boundaries & stay connected?

October 24, 2024 ~ The Healing Modalities ~ Leave a comment

Here’s how.

We’re continuing our discussion about boundaries this week and I want to emphasize that we set boundaries to take care of ourselves and to keep our relationships healthy for us.

Because our relationships are important to us, we can state our requests and boundaries from a place of connection instead of disconnection. Stating a boundary from anger, annoyance, or frustration usually isn’t helpful to a relationship.

It’s our job to protect and be responsible for our boundaries. We can make requests, but ultimately we can’t force someone to do something. We can choose to leave or take action to protect our boundary. If we see that the other person frequently disregards our boundary requests, we may decide to create some distance with them and how we interact with them in our life, and let them know why.

Most people think boundaries are something that they’re not. When it comes down to it, much of what we think needs a boundary is due to our own lack of self-care.

To review, a boundary is required only when there has been a boundary violation.

A violation is when someone comes into our space (physical or emotional) without us being OK with it.
A boundary is stating what WE will do if that person continues their behavior.
It is NOT us telling that person how to behave.

Additionally, if we make a boundary request and don’t follow through on what we say we’ll do, we’ve only made an idle threat or consequence. This diminishes our own self-respect and the other person’s respect for us.

A boundary request sounds like this: “If you continue to _____, then I will ______.”

For example, “I don’t appreciate being berated, so don’t yell at me,” is NOT setting a boundary. It’s telling someone else what to do.

“I hear that this is important to you and I don’t appreciate being berated. So if you continue to yell, then I’m going to leave the room until we can talk without you yelling,” is setting a boundary while wanting to stay connected.

The person can continue to yell. The consequence that we follow through with is leaving the room if they do. We used a connection phrase to start by acknowledging the other person with “I hear that this is important to you.” Other connection phrases:

“I appreciate you and your perspective, and if you continue to _____, then I will _____.”
“I value our relationship and time together, and if you keep _____, then I will ______.”
“I love you, and I’m not going to do that (thing that you asked me to) because it really doesn’t work for me. How else can I support you?”
“I hear that you feel disappointed with my decision. I’m here to help in a way that works for both of us.”

What other questions do you have about boundaries? Let me know here.

Your turn: What boundary requests would benefit you if you made them? Do you have a clear request and a clear consequence/action that you’ll take if the other person violates your boundary? How can you keep the relationship connected while setting a clear boundary?

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Ready to set boundaries?

October 17, 2024 ~ The Healing Modalities ~ Leave a comment

Feel the discomfort.

I haven’t talked about boundaries in a while and my next podcast episode that’s out today is about boundaries, so I’m revisiting them here too!

Sometimes people mix up setting boundaries with trying to control others. We do not create boundaries for other people. We create boundaries to take care of and protect ourselves.

Boundaries are not:

Ways to control or manipulate other people
Things you think other people should be doing (e.g. “I want my partner to clean the bathroom,” “I want my friend to call me back when I call her,” “I want my kid to clean her room.”)

We can learn to recognize when to use and talk about boundaries. This means having a clear sense of what and where our boundaries are. When we don’t have clear boundaries, people don’t know if they’re violating them or not.

When there is a clear boundary violation, such as someone speaking to us in a demeaning way or someone doing something in our home that’s not allowed, then we have the boundary conversation.

The conversation includes making a clear request along with stating a clear consequence. The consequence is something that WE will do, an action or behavior that WE will take.

Here’s an example of a clear boundary: “If you smoke a cigarette in my house, I am going to ask you to leave my house. We don’t allow smoking here. This is what I will do if you smoke.”

It’s important to remember that the person we’re making the request of can continue to do whatever they would like to do. Human beings can smoke cigarettes if they want. It’s not a boundary violation until they come into our home or our car or our space and try to smoke cigarettes there.

Notice that when we make the request, “If you continue to do that, then I will…” the consequence is the behavior that WE will take. It’s not, “You need to stop smoking or else.” We’re making the request and then explaining what WE will do as the consequence of not following that request.

So why don’t we set boundaries when we know we want to? Because usually it’s difficult and uncomfortable to make these requests and establish consequences with the people in our lives.

Sometimes it’s so uncomfortable for us that we avoid making the requests. Or if we do make the requests, we don’t actually follow through on the consequences. Because that’s uncomfortable too – doing what we say we’ll do when someone violates a boundary means potentially risking our relationship with that person or facing their disapproval.

But then what happens when we don’t make these requests or when we don’t follow through on the consequences? People continue to violate our boundaries.

And we get upset and build up resentments. Usually we’re the only ones feeling this way, because the people who continue to violate our boundaries either don’t know they’re doing so or don’t think there are any consequences for doing so.

There’s a lot more to say about boundaries – more next week!

Your turn: Are you recognizing why you might not be setting boundaries that would benefit your life? What would you have to believe in order to make the requests and follow through on the consequences? How can you practice saying what you want to say instead of avoiding setting boundaries with people?

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Do you seek your own approval?

October 3, 2024 ~ The Healing Modalities ~ Leave a comment

It’s the best.

Most of us aren’t taught to believe that we’re already worthy. What we are taught is to believe that we have to perform, achieve, and accomplish in order to feel worthy and valuable. That we have to please everyone and get everyone to like us to feel worthy and valuable.

We were not taught that our own self-approval, self-acceptance, and our thoughts about ourselves are more important than what other people think about us or even what we think other people think about us.

Much of the time, we do things because of what we think other people will think about us.

It’s exhausting, isn’t it?

We’ve been conditioned to do this. But we can’t control what other people think. Not if we do “good” things or if we do “bad” things. They will think whatever they want about us and that’s based on them and not us.

Because everyone has their own interpretations based on their past and lived experiences, their identities, their conditioning, their beliefs and values, their current thoughts, and many other factors.

So if we can’t control what other people think about us, it’s true that we may lose their approval – or gain it – independent of what we actually DO.

But do you know whose approval we can always have? Our own.

We build our self-approval through our thoughts about ourselves. Not through what we do for our work or job, what we do or don’t do for others, or what we do well or don’t do well.

We build our self-approval through our relationship with ourselves. Our relationship with ourselves is built on what we think about ourselves.

What kind of thoughts do we have about ourselves? What do we think when we look in the mirror? What do we think when we make a mistake? What do we think when something goes the way we wanted it to go? When it doesn’t go the way we want it to go? What do we make it all mean about ourselves? These are all thoughts about ourselves.

Once we become aware of our current thoughts about ourselves, we can see whether they’re in alignment with how we want to feel about ourselves. Are we being kind and supportive to ourselves? What do we enjoy about ourselves?

And this doesn’t mean we don’t accept feedback from others – in fact, having our own approval and having our own back helps to OPEN US UP to others’ feedback. Because we don’t take it personally. We don’t let it damage our self-esteem or destroy our self-worth. Because we’re not seeking our esteem or worth from outside ourselves.

We can hear feedback and take it in and decide if we’d like to make adjustments based on what we hear. We can choose to adjust or we can choose not to. But it’s not in order to please others. It’s based on how WE want to show up in the world differently or not.

Your turn: What does it feel like to seek your own approval without worrying about the approval of others? What does it feel like to have your own back no matter what? How much time and energy might you save if you seek your own approval vs. seeking others’ approval? How would your decisions be different?

I talk more about this concept in my latest podcast episode, out today at 3:30pm Pacific! Episode 13: Unconditional Love & Lovability. You can check it out here: Apple Podcasts, Spotify, YouTube.

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Dropping your relationship manuals

September 26, 2024 ~ The Healing Modalities ~ Leave a comment

Your power is with you. Part 2.

Last week we looked at the manuals we have for others and why we have them.

We create manuals, or sets of instructions, for the people in our life about how they’re supposed to behave, so we can feel good.

We then base how we feel about others on whether they follow our manuals or not. We also make it mean they care or don’t care about us based on our manuals for them.

When we place the responsibility of feeling good on other people, we give all our power away to those people.

In reality, each of us is responsible for meeting our own needs. When we’re in a relationship where we feel responsible for fulfilling someone else’s needs and they feel responsible for fulfilling ours, there’s constant manipulation and effort to control one another so that in the end, nobody wins. There’s only resentment, anger, frustration, exasperation, and a sense of defeat.

We can’t control another person, and there’s nothing they could possibly do that would make us as happy as we want to be. All of the power to feel happy and good lies within us.

So dropping our relationship manuals is about deciding who we want to be and taking all of our power back so that we can show up in ways we like and feel good about ourselves. Then we get to decide how we want to be or act from that place, in any circumstance.

This doesn’t mean we stay in relationships that are harmful or not serving us well. We need to do what’s necessary to protect ourselves and take care of ourselves. Although boundaries and requests are appropriate, trying to control and manipulate other people never works. Instead, it can make us feel and even act like a wild person (!).

Instead, we can become familiar with and practice these things:

Allow ourselves to feel all emotions. This means being willing to feel ALL the emotions, especially the emotions we’re trying to avoid by wanting someone to behave in a specific way.
Decide who we want to be. When we’re trying to control someone else, we’re usually not being versions of ourselves that we’re proud of.
Decide what we want the other person’s actions to mean. We don’t have to take it personally.

Here’s an example if I have the manual instruction: “My friend should always remember my birthday.”

If my friend forgets my birthday, I can allow myself to feel sad and disappointed about that. Those are uncomfortable feelings, but I allow myself to feel those feelings anyway.

Then I can decide who I want to be in the relationship. I can decide that I want to be an understanding friend and give my friend grace, even if he forgot my birthday. I can still want to be friends with him.

Then I can decide what I want my friend’s action to mean. I can decide to not take it personally and not make it mean anything about me. My friend’s action is about him. Maybe his life is very full and he didn’t do it on purpose. I can decide that he’s still a good friend even if he forgot my birthday.

When we want someone to be DIFFERENT than they are, then we’re wanting a version of them that doesn’t exist. We want a version of them that we think is SUPPOSED TO exist. But that version only exists in our mind. And that’s what’s creating our problem – because who we’re looking at doesn’t match who we THINK they should be.

What if we allow them to be who they ARE and just appreciate them for that? If we can’t do that, we might consider: Why am I choosing to be in a relationship with this person?

We get to decide what we do with our time, how we respond, and when we want to make changes in our life. We can think about those changes and what we want based on what we DO have control over. Our power stays with us.

Your turn: Do you recognize why you have manual instructions for other people? What feelings are you trying to avoid feeling by having these manual instructions? What would happen if you allowed yourself to be open to feeling all the emotions? How might your relationships be different if you stopped trying to get someone to behave in a specific way so that you can feel good?

I talk more about manuals in my newest podcast episode, #12 “Your Manuals Are Getting in Your Way.” You can listen to it on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, YouTube and wherever you listen to podcasts!

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