Get out of your own way

April 4, 2024 ~ The Healing Modalities ~ Leave a comment

How?

Are you getting in your own way? If so, what does that look like for you?

It might look like feeling stuck in a life that you know could be better or different. It could be staying at a “safe” job because you feel too scared to pursue something you could really love. It might be not losing 20 pounds because “dieting has never worked for you.” It could be staying in a “situation-ship” because you don’t believe you’ll find someone better. It could be that you’re burning yourself out at work because you’re not setting boundaries.

For me, I got in my own way by:

– Letting other people define my value and worth
– Hustling for worthiness (trying to DO all the things to prove my worthiness)
– Wanting someone to “save” me from my “mediocre” life
– Not setting boundaries
– Ignoring my body
– Flaking on myself
– Lying to myself and others, aka people-pleasing
– Thinking I wasn’t good enough
– Not asking for help
– Thinking I needed to have it all figured out

I used to seek approval from external sources. This is a losing game because we can never get enough approval if we only seek it from outside ourselves. Other people and things can be unreliable in providing us with approval. The way to fulfill this need for approval is to give it to ourselves.

Recognizing that, these are some ways I practice getting out of my own way:

– Asking myself, “What brings me joy?”
– Taking responsibility for my life and emotions
– Setting boundaries in multiple areas of my life
– Connecting with my body, listening to it, honoring it
– Being kinder to myself
– Keeping commitments to myself
– Paying attention to my thoughts
– Allowing all the feelings – be willing to feel any feeling
– Telling the truth to myself, then to others
– Having my own back
– Loving myself no matter what
– Practice, practice, practice

Some of these things might sound familiar because they are things I’ve talked about and shared with you in the past through these weekly posts. 🙂

AND, I’m excited to announce: to dive deeper and learn more about getting out of your own way, you can tune in to my new show, “Get Out of Your Own Way” on Transformation Talk Radio!

My show premieres today, April 4th, at 3:30pm Pacific time! You can catch it by going here.

My show will also be available as a podcast on all the platforms where you listen to podcasts. Stay tuned!

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Work with me: Want to see how self-care is transformative and can help you create the results you want in your life? I can show you how. I offer first-time seekers a complimentary 60-minute exploratory session. Sign up here.

What’s on your mind? It can be powerful to learn from each other and our common struggles when it comes to our practice of self-care–or just being a human being. If you have something you’re struggling with and would like some perspective, share it here. Your issue may be chosen and addressed in the next post–it’ll be totally anonymous.

When you invest in yourself

February 1, 2024 ~ The Healing Modalities ~ Leave a comment

Let’s go!

“Leap and the net will appear.” – John Burroughs

I recently decided to make a couple big investments in myself and my business. This year I’m deciding to put myself out there in bigger ways so I can reach more people and support them in their growth, in seeing what’s possible for themselves, in believing in themselves, and in achieving what they want – all while consistently caring for themselves.

By doing this, I too am seeing what’s possible for myself, stretching myself past who I already am and becoming an expanded version of myself. I want to see who I can become through this process. I know that no matter what the outcome, I will grow from going through this process.

And maybe that’s the whole point of having goals. Not only to achieve the goal, but to see who we can become by working towards the goal. In working towards the goal, we will be strengthening our belief in ourselves, we might be taking actions we’ve never taken before, and we might be feeling the discomfort of doing these new things, these hard things.

Then it doesn’t matter so much if we actually achieve the goal or not. Because we still get to be the person we’ve become from the effort we’ve exerted. That part doesn’t go away. That growth becomes part of us. We can take this version of ourselves to the next thing, and the next.

So I’m investing in myself. I’m betting on myself. I’m putting myself out there and taking on new opportunities, saying yes to things, and most importantly, believing in myself to make it all work out. To have my back, to make aligned decisions, to trust in myself, and to expand my capacity. And so I’m also creating the net with the belief I have in myself.

I could have just stayed in my current situation and not taken the leap. My current situation is “safe” and familiar, but it doesn’t require more of me. Now, I get to rise up to a level I haven’t been at before.

And that requires a lot of me – growth-wise and creativity-wise. And I’m up for the challenge. I’m willing to be a little scared and uncomfortable for a while, I’m willing to see what’s possible. I’m willing to go all-in on myself and to bet on ME. It might not always be easy and fun, and that’s OK. I trust myself to come through for me.

How do we make sure we take the actions needed to support ourselves? We create the feelings we need to fuel those actions. How do we create the feelings? We think the thoughts that create those feelings.

Right now, I’m thinking “I’m going all-in on myself. I believe in what I have to offer. I’ll do what I need to do – and even have fun while doing it! Let’s see what happens.” And all those thoughts create the feelings: determined, focused, excited, curious, confident, motivated, playful. And I’ll take actions based on those feelings.

Investing in ourselves is caring for ourselves, and also caring for our future selves. Our future selves will be so grateful for the work we’re doing now.

Your turn: What do you want for yourself that you’re willing to go all-in on and bet on yourself to make happen? What would you need to think and believe? What would you need to feel? And what actions would you take (or not take) to get the result you want? Who will you become along the way?

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“I don’t got this”

January 25, 2024 ~ The Healing Modalities ~ Leave a comment

And that’s OK.

How many of us have said to others or have had it said to us, “You got this!”? Or how many times have we said to ourselves, “I got this!”?

Sometimes that phrase can be an energizing, motivating way to support someone else or ourselves. Sometimes we need to hear it to get a nudge of confidence or determination to do something hard.

And sometimes, the most supportive thing we can tell ourselves is the truth, “I DON’T got this.”

It might be a hard truth to hear for some of us who are used to figuring it out no matter what or pushing through it all the time.

But try it out. Let it sink in. “I don’t got this.”

How does it feel to say that? Maybe to admit that?

Maybe it doesn’t feel realistic. Maybe it doesn’t feel supportive. Maybe it feels icky. Why?

Or maybe it feels like relief. Maybe it feels like a revelation. Maybe it feels responsible.

When we can allow ourselves to think or say, “I don’t got this,” we are allowing ourselves to tell the truth in some aspect of our lives that might feel daunting or overwhelming. Sometimes our lives can feel that way because we are human beings living in a world that we mostly can’t control.

If we can admit to ourselves, “I don’t got this,” a helpful next thing to ask is, “What do I need?”

Our brains like to find answers, so asking “What do I need?” gives our brain a job to do. The answer might be:

“Let it be for now” or
“I think I need to talk to someone” or
“I think I need to ask John for help” or
“I think I need to ask Susie for help too” or
“I think I need to slow down” or
“I think I need to cry it out”

Or whatever the answer might be, listen and allow.

It doesn’t mean we give up and we’ll never “got this” again. It means right now, we need some extra support – either from ourselves or from others who we trust to help or support us in a way that works for all involved.

Your turn: Where in your life do you “don’t got this”? Are you willing to admit that to yourself and have it be OK for now? Are you open to seeing what you need to move forward? How would you like to support yourself in this?

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When you redefine “success”

January 11, 2024January 11, 2024 ~ The Healing Modalities ~ Leave a comment

For you.

I was in therapy for the first time 8 years ago in January 2016. (I can’t believe it was that long ago now!) I realized I needed to talk to someone after going through emergency open heart surgery that saved my life – and also uprooted it.

I’d been living in Manhattan for three years and happened to be back in San Francisco when I got admitted to the hospital in April 2015. I’d been experiencing symptoms for a month at that point, but because back then, I didn’t know how to listen to or understand my body, I wasn’t aware of what was happening or how serious the situation was. I was used to pushing through things. But all that changed after the surgery and I had to recalibrate what was physically possible for me in my body.

I didn’t initially realize it, but I had attached a lot of my identity to work – I was someone who could work 12-14 hour days and get things done no matter what. I physically couldn’t do that anymore. So I felt lost, like I didn’t know how to live in my life any longer. I’d been so used to operating in a certain way for so long: go, go, go, do, do, do.

Because I was “being successful” while doing that.

One of the first revelatory things my therapist and I talked about was what my definition of success was. What did success mean and look like to me? Up until then, it had been unconsciously defined for me, by colleagues, society, media, peers.

Success had looked like making a certain amount of money, having a certain job title, living a certain lifestyle, having that type of car, having these types of clothes, living in a certain neighborhood, eating at those types of restaurants, being “busy” as a sign of worth, stress as a “status” symbol, doing all the things while doing all the things.

Honestly, when I think about it now, I see how exhausting it all was. I can’t imagine going back to that way of living “successfully.”

I had to redefine what success looked like to me post-surgery, in my new state of being in my body. Sometimes success looked like showing up for therapy sessions after being in pain the day before. Sometimes it looked like setting a boundary with a family member. Sometimes it looked like telling the truth to myself. Sometimes it looked like celebrating a new insight that I’d learned.

My therapist empowered me to define what success looked like to me then, through a new perspective, through an internal lens of my own perception and how I felt in my body, not an external lens of other people’s perceptions while disregarding myself.

Doing that took a lot of pressure off – pressure I didn’t even realize I was putting onto myself. Doing that also helped me feel more connected to myself and my life. It helped me show up the way I wanted to for myself, instead of the way I thought I needed to for others. And my definition of success continues to evolve.

How many of us are allowing other people or things to define what success means and looks like for us? Let’s start redefining it for ourselves based on who we want to be, how we feel in our bodies, and how we want to show up for our lives.

Your turn: How might redefining success for yourself be valuable to you? How might redefining success change the way you prioritize things? How do you want to redefine what success means and looks like for you?

Here are three questions to consider in redefining success for yourself:

1. Do I love who I’m being?
2. Do I love what I’m doing?
3. Do I love who I’m doing it with?

“Will I ever be good enough?”

December 1, 2022 ~ The Healing Modalities ~ Leave a comment

Your Power Sentences.

How we think about ourselves and our lives contributes to how we take care of ourselves (or don’t).

We have sentences in our minds that run our life. Mostly without our awareness of them.

These are called Power Sentences.

They’re powerful because they affect the results we create in our lives, usually by providing more evidence that the thought (Power Sentence) is “true.”

When we’ve practiced thinking a thought over and over, it becomes a belief. Beliefs “feel true” even though they are just thoughts that we’ve thought over and over.

And if our thoughts/beliefs create the results we get in our life, let’s start to become aware of these Power Sentences.

Some examples of unintentional and unconscious Power Sentences are:

“I’m not good enough.”
“I can never get it right.”
“I’ll never have what I want.”
“It’s always so hard for me.”
“Things don’t work out for me.”

What might these types of thoughts prove true in our lives?

It’s possible for us to think and practice new thoughts and beliefs – new Power Sentences – ON PURPOSE. Ones that SERVE our lives more than the unintentional, unconscious thoughts and beliefs.

We must find the sentence that is running our life so we can make sure it is conscious and intentional.

The goal is to uncover our main Power Sentence, and make sure it’s what we want it to be.

Here’s an exercise to consider to find your Power Sentence(s):

Who are you? What are you doing with your life? (Answer with one sentence only.)
Are you doing it consciously?

Is this who you want to be?

Is this what you want to be doing with your life?

When you look at your life as a result, you can see the SENTENCE CAUSING IT.
What are the results you have vs. the results you want?
Look at the effect of your sentences.

Here are some intentional, conscious Power Sentences to try on:

“I am always enough as I am.”
“I’m willing to figure out the things that are important to me.”
“I’m the creator of what I want in my life.”
“Everything happens FOR me to grow and learn.”
“I embrace all challenges.”
“I have value to contribute.”
“I am an extraordinary/amazing human being.”

What might these types of thoughts prove true in our lives?

Your turn: What are you discovering about your Power Sentences? What Power Sentences do you want to start practicing on purpose? What do you want to create in your life to become the version of you that you know you can be?

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Work with me: Want to see how self-care is transformative and can help create a more meaningful life in which you start committing to yourself and show up the way you want? I can show you how. I offer first-time seekers a complimentary 45-minute exploratory session. Sign up here.

My Learnings – 2010s

January 15, 2020January 15, 2020 ~ The Healing Modalities ~ Leave a comment

I get emails from Marie Forleo because I signed up for her B-School program back in 2015. She is fun and passionate and teaches valuable stuff to entrepreneurs.

At the end of 2019, she had a series of videos about reflecting on the past decade: what you’re proud of and why, what you learned and why those lessons are important, and what you want your future self to know.

The exercises serve as a reflection on how far we’ve come and can guide us into the next decade with clarity.

I enjoyed reflecting and I felt empowered, encouraged, and enlivened because this exercise met my needs for appreciation, understanding, growth, and celebration. I’d like to share my “lessons learned” part of the exercise.

Everything happens FOR me
This idea resonated deeply with me when I first heard it, maybe around 2014 or so. It’s a reminder that even when “undesirable” things happen, it’s because I’m going to learn from that experience in some way, I’m going to grow from it, and expand my perspective through the process. Even the physical pain I’ve experienced on a monthly basis in the past, I believe happened FOR me so that I could really understand and embody what it means to take care of myself, to set boundaries, to accept what is, to relax into a challenging/uncomfortable situation and be with it, to have patience, to reflect and go within, to reach out and ask for help, and to value my body and its abilities even more when it’s not in pain. I have learned so much through the experience of the past monthly physical pain–even though it was so hard to be in it at times and I had to miss out on doing things I wanted to do. There are lessons even from that.

A definition of suffering = voluntary participation in events, situations, and circumstances that disempower you
Again, when I first heard this (from Iyanla Vanzant via Oprah’s Super Soul Conversations podcast, just this past August) it hit me hard as an empowering reminder that I can choose something else. I can choose not to participate, I do not have to stand there and be disempowered and suffer. Maybe it is more about emotional suffering than physical suffering, though emotions do create a physical response in the body. I went through a lot of emotional suffering in the past because I allowed myself to participate in disempowering situations, to give my power all away to someone else.

I am responsible for how I feel; I let everyone else off the hook
Another reminder (from Abraham via Esther Hicks) that I can choose, that I have a choice of feeling bad or feeling something else, that I have a choice to allow myself to stay in a bad feeling state or situation or choose to shift towards a better feeling state. This is a challenge sometimes and it’s a continual practice that I consciously engage in. It’s not easy but I believe it’s worth it in order to show up for myself and align my vibration with who I really am.

Listening to, honoring, and acknowledging my body; self-care in many forms
Without the freedom to move in my body, my world becomes much more limited, contracted, and it’s hard to keep a hopeful outlook on life. I know this feeling so well. Because of it, I have deeply embodied the learning and practice of checking in with my body to really listen to it and honor it and understand it. Creating some space for dialogue and language to support myself in this. And acceptance and self-empathy for when I’m not able to do what I want to do. This is a continual practice because I still find that I push myself too hard sometimes–my will wants to drag my body along behind it. But I ask it, “What can I do to help?” “How are you feeling?” “What do you need?” And I acknowledge it when I know I’ve pushed it a bit–or even when I haven’t. When I feel good, I acknowledge and thank it for the good feeling: “Yay, we did it! Thank you for supporting me in this.”

Be curious
This is so helpful in learning and to ask questions without the fear of being seen as “stupid” or thinking that we need to know everything or to be “right,” which the mind chatter has a way of scaring us into thinking. Curiosity is so important in the process of expanding yourself, to see what you’re capable of, to see what works and what doesn’t, to move forward with less fear. And it’s fun to be curious. 🙂

Have fun, be joyful
Life is supposed to be fun! Another teaching by Abraham. We are here for who knows how long or for what purpose, but doesn’t it feel good to enjoy yourself and have fun while we ARE here? The fact that we ARE here is a miracle and we get to be in our body which we can move, think, have freedom and independence, and to taste, touch, hear, see, smell is such a privilege. I am so grateful for all of my senses because they allow me to experience the world and my life fully.

Savor what feels good; celebrate
Again with the fun and joy. My teacher, David Ross formerly of the World School and currently at Andrew University, ingrains this into his students–and it’s a fun practice. Savor what feels good because it feels good to savor! And to be able to remember that good feeling in my body for a longer period of time, to be able to create and maintain that good feeling again whenever I want. Celebrate even the smallest victory. It’s a way to enjoy life even more.

I am taking these lessons into my next decade of life, continuously and consciously practicing them, and I’m sure I’ll learn even more along the way. Life is a continual process of growth and evolution, if we allow it to be. And I am allowing it! 🙂