Tag: people-pleasing

Where does authenticity live?

~ The Healing Modalities ~ Leave a comment

Not with people-pleasing.

We’re all familiar with the concept of people-pleasing, but we don’t often think about why we do it.

At its core, people-pleasing is a way of behaving that’s driven by external pressure—seeking approval, avoiding conflict, or trying to control how others perceive us. It’s rooted in extrinsic motivation: we do things not because they’re aligned with our own desires, but because we hope to gain something from others or avoid their disapproval.

The irony is that when we act from this place of external motivation, we end up feeling disconnected from ourselves. We’re performing for others, but losing touch with our own authenticity.

I recently started reading the book Why We Do What We Do, by Edward Deci. He explains that real motivation—the kind that leads to fulfillment and long-lasting change—comes from within. Intrinsic motivation is about doing something because it’s meaningful to us, because it aligns with our true self. It’s not about how others see us or what they expect of us.

When we act from intrinsic motivation, we feel more free, more willing, and more committed to our choices. We’re not just going along with what others want or expect; we’re consciously choosing what feels right for us.

When we think about it this way, people-pleasing can become a kind of dishonesty—not just with others, but with ourselves. We’re not being true to who we are. We’re not acting autonomously; we’re letting the desire for approval dictate our actions.

So how do we shift from people-pleasing to authenticity? We start by noticing when we’re acting from a place of fear or obligation rather than genuine desire. We can ask ourselves:

  • Am I doing this because it’s truly important to me, or because I’m worried about what others will think?
  • Does this choice feel aligned with my values, or am I just trying to avoid conflict or rejection?
  • If I were motivated by my own joy and integrity, how might I act differently?

To become more connected to our own self-approval, we have to practice choosing ourselves on purpose—prioritizing our own well-being, setting boundaries, and letting others think what they will. The more we act from a place of intrinsic motivation, the more we step into our authentic selves.

Your Turn:
What would it look like to prioritize your own self-approval today? How can you shift from doing what you think you “should” do to doing what you genuinely want to do?

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What’s on your mind? It can be powerful to learn from each other and our common struggles when it comes to our practice of self-care–or just being a human being. If you have something you’re struggling with and would like some perspective, share it here. Your issue may be chosen and addressed in the next post–it’ll be totally anonymous.

No more people-pleasing

~ The Healing Modalities ~ Leave a comment

Now what?

When we begin the work of letting go of people-pleasing, it can feel like everything is shifting.

For so long, acceptance and connection may have looked like being agreeable, accommodating, pleasant, helpful, easy to get along with. We may have shaped ourselves around what others needed or expected. We became the supportive friend, the reliable colleague, the one who didn’t rock the boat.

And underneath all of that was the quiet hope: If I can be who they want me to be, then I’ll be accepted. Then I’ll belong. Then I’ll be loved.

But people-pleasing is not the same as genuine acceptance or connection. It’s performance masquerading as intimacy. It’s self-abandonment in the name of belonging. And at some point, we realize that the cost is too high.

We realize that we’ve been offering curated versions of ourselves in exchange for “acceptance” or “connection.” But “acceptance” by others of curated versions of ourselves – is that really the acceptance or true connection we want?  

So what do acceptance and connection look like now, in this next phase, post-people-pleasing?

It looks like showing up as your full self, not just the “palatable” parts.
It looks like being honest about your needs, your limits, your preferences.
It looks like saying “no” without over-explaining or justifying.
It looks like letting go of the idea that you have to manage other people’s emotions in order to feel safe in relationship.

And yes—this might feel strange and uncomfortable at first. We might worry that we’re being selfish, or “too much,” or not “nice enough.” That’s normal. We’re unlearning patterns that were reinforced for a long time.

But as we keep choosing honesty over false harmony, self-respect over self-sacrifice, we’ll notice something: our relationships begin to shift. Some will fall away. Some will deepen. And new ones will emerge—ones rooted in mutual authenticity, not some performance.

True connection doesn’t require us to stay small. It invites us to expand. It welcomes all of who we are.

Your turn:

  • In what ways have you curated yourself to maintain acceptance or connection?
  • What does authentic acceptance and connection feel like to you now?
  • What are you willing to let go of in order to experience more aligned relationships?

Subscribe if you want to receive this content directly in your inbox.

Work with me: Want to see how self-care is transformative and can help you create the results you want in your life? I can show you how. I offer first-time seekers a complimentary 45-minute exploratory session. Sign up here.

What’s on your mind? It can be powerful to learn from each other and our common struggles when it comes to our practice of self-care–or just being a human being. If you have something you’re struggling with and would like some perspective, share it here. Your issue may be chosen and addressed in the next post–it’ll be totally anonymous.

Ready to stop people-pleasing?

~ The Healing Modalities ~ 2 Comments

Then you’ll have to stop lying.

I think we’re all familiar with the concept of people-pleasing. But we seldom think of it as lying.

It’s lying–to the people you’re trying to please and to yourself. 

People-pleasing is spending an inordinate amount of time worrying about what other people think of you, so you try to get them to like you by doing what you think they want. You do this at your own expense and at the expense of what you really want. So you might feel resentful and frustrated when people don’t do the same or appreciate the sacrifices you’re making. 

You think you can control what other people’s opinions are of you. But think about that. You’re trying to control other people’s minds. 

Have you ever experienced someone who tried to control your opinion of them? What did you think of them? Maybe they came across as a little creepy or a little needy? One thing is for sure: they weren’t being who they really are because they thought they needed to be who you wanted them to be. Does this sound familiar?

The truth is, we can’t control what other people think even when we try to. They will always get to choose what they want to believe about us. And, what they believe is about them, not us. When we show up in a way that is authentic, we can see which people like us for us and not for the people-pleasing we have been doing.

This is part of why people-pleasing is lying. You’re either lying about who you are or what you want to do. You’re also trying to get approval from other people when your own self-approval is much more powerful and meaningful.   

To have our own self-approval means we have to start liking and enjoying ourselves more. 

And we have to start letting others think what they want about us. This is difficult for most of us if we have become dependent on other people to try and feel good.

The first step to enjoying ourselves and our life is basic. We have to like ourselves. This isn’t easy for most of us.

This doesn’t mean liking ourselves passively. This means actively choosing to like ourselves on purpose.

This looks like: 

  • Listening to what you want.
  • Telling the truth and saying no sometimes.
  • Knowing your dreams and desires.
  • Taking care of yourself for the long run.
  • Working on your behalf.

When we become connected to our own self-approval, we start spending less energy on seeking others’ approval.

Your turn: What if the only true way to enjoy being yourself is to actually be yourself? Not some version of yourself you think others will like. Are you willing to stop lying and start telling the truth? What can you start doing to enjoy even more who you authentically are? How can you start becoming more connected to your own self-approval?

Subscribe if you want to receive this content directly in your inbox.

Work with me: Want to create a more meaningful life in which you get to show up the way you want, be fully present, and engage purposefully? I can show you how. I offer first-time seekers a complimentary 60-minute exploratory session. Sign up here.