By you.

How many of us have felt the “need to be needed” by other people? We might feel this need because we think it gives us meaning. We might think it gives us purpose. We might think it gives us value.

I think it can do all of those things. And we can also let needing to be needed get the best of us. 

When that happens, it looks like needing to feel indispensable so you don’t lose your job. Or needing to be needed in a relationship so the other person doesn’t leave you. Or needing to be needed so you feel like you matter. 

When we feel the “need to be needed” in these ways, it’s part of our evolutionary survival selves. We want to belong and not get outcast by the tribe. So we seek to control outcomes in order to feel safe or secure. We become the person who takes care of everything, who has all the answers, who knows where everything is, who takes care of everyone else. 

Or we become the person who makes the plans all the time, who always stays late after work to help someone who had to leave early, who puts out fires, who does all the things. In our efforts to feel needed, we put others before ourselves and our needs. And sometimes we feel resentful and unappreciated.

In small and intentional doses, being needed can be a normal part of being on a team or in partnership. However, if it becomes a pattern – or is even automatic and maybe not questioned – not only does this become exhausting, but we lose sight of taking care of ourselves because we’re too busy worrying about and taking care of others. And sometimes, this comes from an unconscious need to seek our value and worth outside of ourselves.

This is not to say that we stop being considerate or thoughtful of others, or withdraw our care or team effort from them, but rather, we can start thinking about what WE truly need and want. 

Just so we know it for ourselves. 

Because others might not always need us. Kids grow up, relationships end, friendships change, people get laid off. People change their minds. But you know who will always need you? YOU. 

Need to be needed by YOU. You need YOU to be there for you. You need YOU to support you. You need YOU to believe in you. You need YOU to take care of you. YOU will always be there for you, no matter what.

When we start intentionally being there for ourselves, we might find that we can be there for others with less resentment, less anger, less overwhelm and more presence, connection, compassion, and curiosity. 

Your turn: Do you have a need to be needed? What does needing to be needed by YOU feel like? In what ways do you need to be needed by you?

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