mirror work – The Healing Modalities

Practices to try.

When I was first embarking on my self-care journey and figuring out what self-care meant and looked like for me, I had some help along the way.

I received ideas from my therapist, the books I read, workshops I attended, and my holistic life coaching program. I created the 3 Pillars of Transformative Self-Care. One of the three pillars is how we speak to and about ourselves.

Many of us have a habit of negative self-talk that we might not even be aware of. Some of us are aware of it, but don’t know what to do about it. Today, I’m sharing three helpful practices around how we speak to and about ourselves, in case they’re helpful to you, where you’re at.

If you have any specific area you’re working on in your life and would like a relevant practice for that, please let me know here and I’ll share the requests and responses/practices in future emails.

Practice #1

I used to race through my days and not pause to check-in with myself. I didn’t even know that checking-in with myself was an option, or something that could be helpful to me. But checking-in with ourselves is a powerful reminder that we matter, that what we’re feeling and needing is important.

To check-in with yourself, you can ask, “What am I feeling? When I feel this way, what do I need? What is the kindest thing I can do for myself in this moment?”

Practice #2

Most of us are very busy seeking approval from outside of ourselves so we try to do all the things – and we exhaust ourselves or think we don’t have time for self-care because we’re so “busy” all the time. We forget – or don’t even recognize – that our own approval of ourselves matters the most. Because we can’t control what other people think about us, no matter how much we DO, or the circumstances that grant us approval. WE are the only guarantee of approval when we seek it. So why not practice accepting our own approval?

We can do this by practicing the affirmation or mantra, “I approve of myself.” Repeat multiple times daily.

Practice #3

I’ve shared this practice before, but it’s worth repeating because of its power. This is mirror work.

– Stand in front of a mirror.
– Look yourself in the eyes.
– Say “thank you” to yourself.
– What do you feel when you do that? Is it easy? Hard? Comforting? Uncomfortable? Cringey? Why?
– Practice at least twice a day until you feel comfortable saying “thank you” to yourself – where you accept your own thanks, smile, and feel good while doing it.

This practice helps us appreciate ourselves and to value what we see in the mirror when we stand in front of it.

All of these practices can support us in caring for ourselves more by helping us connect to ourselves and remember that we matter, that we are valuable, that we are worthy of self-care.

Your turn: Pick one practice to engage with this week. Next week, choose another one. Make one up for yourself, if that feels good to you. These are ways you can quiet the negative self-talk and strengthen the compassionate, supportive self-talk, so that you can start caring for yourself even more.

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What’s on your mind? It can be powerful to learn from each other and our common struggles when it comes to our practice of self-care–or just being a human being. If you have something you’re struggling with and would like some perspective, share it here. Your issue may be chosen and addressed in the next post–it’ll be totally anonymous.

Stop it.

I’ve noticed that people tend to be more interested in other people’s self-loathing than in other people’s self-loving. I wonder why this is?

Is it because we’re so familiar with our self-loathing that we can relate more to hearing about other people’s self-loathing?

Is it because we don’t know how to love ourselves, so we judge others who seem to know how to?

Is it because we’re uncomfortable with loving ourselves, so we feel repelled when we see other people loving themselves?

Maybe. I used to feel frustrated when people said, “Just love yourself!” That seemed so far away, so aspirational, something I didn’t even know how to take a step forward to start.

What does “loving yourself” even mean? What does it look like?

It’s so interesting that hating ourselves seems so much easier than loving ourselves. We pick up all these messages from our culture and society that tell us why we shouldn’t feel good about ourselves the way we are. We need to be more this, less that, smarter, richer, skinnier, stronger, better.

We’re basically told NOT to love ourselves because we need to be “better than” we are before we can even consider loving ourselves.

And that’s just not true. We CAN love ourselves exactly where we are. It starts with being kinder to ourselves.

One of the most powerful things that helped me start being kinder to myself is this:

– Stand in front of a mirror
– Look yourself in the eyes
– Say “thank you” out loud to yourself

Start with once a day for a week and see what happens. It might feel uncomfortable and even unnatural at first, but keep going. This is for YOU.

You are saying “thank you” to yourself for being you, for doing all the hard things you’ve done, for showing up each day even when you don’t want to sometimes, for your body that supports your life, for your eyes that see the world, for your hands that do the work, for you who exists in the world. Exactly as you are. This YOU has done some impressive things. This YOU has learned some important lessons. Let’s celebrate this YOU by saying “thank you” in the mirror.

Keep saying “thank you” to yourself in the mirror at least once a day until it feels comfortable, until you can smile at yourself when you say it, until you feel the gratitude you’re giving to yourself.

When “thank you” starts to feel comfortable (maybe after a month or two, maybe more/less), move to “I love you.” THAT can certainly feel uncomfortable and unnatural at first. Keep going. Do it for a week and see what happens.

This is for YOU. Keep saying “I love you” to yourself in the mirror at least once a day until it feels comfortable, until you can smile at yourself when you say it, until you feel the love you’re giving to yourself.

You might start to find that you can say “I love you” to yourself in more ways than one. You might start feeling LOVE for YOURSELF.

Your turn: Are you willing to try the above activity until “thank you” feels comfortable? What about moving to “I love you”? And remember, our thoughts are optional, they’re choices. We can choose to stop thinking self-hating thoughts and choose to start thinking self-loving thoughts. I’d love to know what impact this has on you if you’d like to share!

Also, if you already practice this exercise, it’s just a reminder of how far you’ve come, how much you’ve done to love yourself, and how powerful this exercise is!

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Tag: mirror work

Managing negative self-talk

“I hate myself”