I think one of the ways people leave an impact on each other is by what they teach each other, directly or indirectly.
For the past 7 years, I was a part-time home care provider for my elderly aunt, Myrna. I initially went over to her house three times a week to help with cooking, laundry, grocery shopping during the pandemic (and during her home hospice care), cleaning, including weekly things like vacuuming, dusting, cleaning the bathrooms, and miscellaneous things like removing spots from the carpet, vacuuming her car (including the trunk sometimes!), cleaning the induction stove, and wiping down the kitchen drawers and cabinets.
During her 8-month home hospice care, I was there four days a week to support her. She passed away on May 2, 2024 with her daughter by her side.
During the 7 years of supporting her, I learned through observation three little things from her, which I’d like to share with you today.
- 1. High standards of cleanliness
- 2. Not people-pleasing, but rather, telling the truth
- 3. Small luxuries
High standards of cleanliness
When I lived by myself in NYC, it was the first time I lived on my own without housemates. I only cleaned when I knew I was having guests over. After supporting Auntie Myrna with her various cleaning requests, I started to incorporate some of her standards into my own life. Now that I have my own place again, I clean it every other Sunday by dusting, vacuuming, and cleaning the kitchen and bathroom areas. It’s not weekly, like she would have, but for me it’s enough – and more than I used to do.
So now if people come over, my place is naturally clean, without me having to scramble to do a deep clean at the last minute. I’ve deemed this as a way to take care of myself, not just as another chore to do. I feel good navigating a clean space and I understand why that was important to Auntie Myrna too. There’s a sense of care, pride, self-respect, and well-being when your space is the way you want it to be.
Not people-pleasing, but rather, telling the truth
I think as women, many of us feel challenged with telling the truth. Instead, we sugar coat things or people-please. In my life coaching practice, I call people-pleasing LYING. Because when we’re people-pleasing, we’re usually lying to ourselves and others about what we SAY we want to do. We might say “yes” to something or someone when we really want to say “no”.
I noticed that Auntie Myrna had NO big qualms about telling the truth and not people-pleasing. And sometimes this could feel challenging, but she could also be relied upon for a straightforward.
As an example, sometimes when I went over to her place, she’d greet me with, “You look pale today.” Initially, I would feel a twinge of criticism, but then I would think to myself, “DO I look pale today? I wonder why?” And then I’d check in with myself and how I was feeling, as it might have been a sign that I could be taking better care of myself that day. I know her intention was to show care and concern about my health through that observation, by not keeping it to herself but speaking it out loud, and I felt seen. I also noticed that with her friends and other relatives, she was similarly forthright.
Small luxuries
Sometimes when I went over to her house, I’d see an empty milkshake cup or other empty treat container in the sink. I knew that day, Auntie Myrna had gone somewhere and treated herself to something sweet – and maybe a little decadent. She was lucky that she didn’t have to worry about her diet and what she ate those last few years. She let herself enjoy those types of treats, along with root beers, ginger beers, other fizzy drinks, a variety of fruit juices that she’d cycle through, and various ice cream flavors. She never went overboard – I think she knew “everything in moderation” but it was nice to see someone treating themselves to something.
So often in my life coaching practice, women don’t know how to give to themselves because they’re always giving to and doing for others and they forget themselves. Or if they remember to give to themselves, it comes with a feeling of guilt, like they’re doing something wrong or undeserved. But when we’re doing something in joy, there IS no room for guilt. Auntie Myrna didn’t forget herself in this respect – she knew when to allow a small luxury for herself. And it’s always refreshing for me to see women of a certain generation doing this for themselves. I hope more women at any age would.
One of the questions that I learned early on in my holistic life coaching certification program was to ask, “What brings me joy?” At first, and similar to other women that I’ve talked to, I didn’t know how to answer that question because I was too busy focusing on doing things for others, like many women are. Over time, I learned to answer that question for myself; the answers to that question became ways to show myself care. So seeing that Auntie Myrna also knew how to answer that question, “What brings me joy?” helped me reinforce that for myself.
I can see that Auntie Myrna did certain things because they brought her joy, not necessarily to contribute to someone else, but purely for herself. And sometimes, that’s what we need most – something only for ourselves.
So thank you, Auntie Myrna, for these little lessons, and thank you for your life.
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