Choose Freedom. Choose Myself.

I am sick and tired of this feeling of needing. This feeling of graspiness and attachment, that if I don’t have “him,” I am less than and not worthy and uninspired and unmotivated. This need for “him” to be all things to me, to stave my loneliness and boredom, to entertain me, to be everything for me. Why do I have this need? I’d like to be free from it. I’d like to choose freedom. FREE YOUR MIND!

Why am I still stuck? I’ve had this transformation, this huge opportunity to do something different with my life and I’ve taken some steps–some large steps–yet I stay small.  I don’t “go for it” in terms of how I spend my days and my time. I could be doing so much for my life and myself. But I stay small and get in my own way. Is it fear? Fear of what though?

I continually lose myself in these relationship situations. I forget what I’m about, what I want, and I only chase what is in front of me because I believe that I want only that. The blinders come on and I forget the rest of my life and purpose. For “him,” I put myself in bondage.

And so I need to be reminded to choose freedom. To remember myself. To find myself instead of lose myself. Even if I am “in it” with someone else.

And maybe this is why “T” was presented to me: to remember to choose freedom. To see if I can choose freedom and choose me, even while choosing to spend time with someone else. But this is also the fourth day that I haven’t heard from “him” and this does not meet my needs for connection, communication, and closeness.

I’m feeling shitty and lost. Weak and vulnerable. Which tells me that I have to find my strength again in order to return to being the best version of myself that I want to be–for me first, and then for someone who wants some of this (!).

Run Away, Run

“we will drive until the moon balloons
to just past perfect for a night like this”

– From “God and When My Mother Passes” by Denise Benavides

In silver armor we step on the gas
pedal through universes,
for the special occasion when soul mates
with soul, entwining, finding
crevices to fill, the emptiness
so long suffered through.

The tarnished I/us that was, the polished me/we now who will be, future more perfect than past.

For a night like this the moon fulfills dreams,
moon beams lift us up to black sky beyond
stars blanketing an abyss,
millions and billions, we surpass them
all, shine brighter in each other’s arms where we fit,
no longer dry husks, empty, but supple bladders, full
to swollen, balloons are our red hearts
drifting side by side, red to bursting as fluids
mingle, life created, cell by cell, multiplying
like our prospects, our hopes and joys, despair
subsides, a submarine of loneliness sinks to the bottom of the sea,
like blood that is more leaden than water.

The ocean knows and carries us
across miles towards our new life together,
the one we almost ran from once,
too scared to fail, to hurt again
always again,
to be destroyed and damaged as so many times before
we set eyes on each other.

This night, we shed our silver armor, expose
our luminous love-woven skin, and speed in
to battle our debts together, settle into each other’s losses.