“Have to” vs. “want to”

December 26, 2024 ~ The Healing Modalities ~ Leave a comment

Empowered semantics.

“I have to go over to my in-laws’ place for the holidays this year.”

“I have to pay my taxes.”

“I have to pick my kid up from school at 2pm.”

“I have to buy her a gift.”

How many of us say that we “have to” do something when in actuality, we probably WANT to do that thing.

Even if it might feel like a bit of an obligation, NOT doing it might cause more trouble than we want. So instead of thinking that we HAVE to do something, a change in semantics here actually helps us to feel more empowered about our choices.

We can say that we WANT to do something.

Because when it comes down to it, we’re actually making empowered choices here.

When we go over to our in-laws’ place for the holidays – even if we might feel less than happy to – we can say that we WANT to go. We are choosing to go in order to prevent whatever consequences would happen if we chose not to go.

When we pay our taxes – even if it’s not our favorite thing to do and feels like a hassle – we can say that we WANT to pay our taxes. Because by paying our taxes, we’re avoiding the consequences of choosing not to pay our taxes.

“I want to pick my kid up from school at 2pm.”

“I want to buy her a gift.”

Sometimes a slight semantic change can create a big mindset change. And that mindset change can support us in feeling more empowered in our lives. We realize we’re making choices instead of having no agency and feeling obligated. Feeling obligated can feel disempowering.

However, this is not to say that we need to always change our mindset from feeling obligated to feeling empowered. Having this option actually helps us recognize what we DO want to do and what we feel obligated to do. And when we aren’t able to use semantics to change our mindset, that’s when we move to boundaries.

Your turn: Try it for yourself. When you find yourself saying or thinking “I have to…,” try changing it to “I want to…” and see where you stand. Does it help you feel more empowered in that situation? If it doesn’t, what kind of boundaries might you want to set instead?

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What’s on your mind? It can be powerful to learn from each other and our common struggles when it comes to our practice of self-care–or just being a human being. If you have something you’re struggling with and would like some perspective, share it here. Your issue may be chosen and addressed in the next post–it’ll be totally anonymous.

Talk about what hurts

November 21, 2024 ~ The Healing Modalities ~ Leave a comment

To heal.

“We’ll never be okay if we don’t talk about what hurts.” – Ashley Ford (https://www.ashleycford.net/bio)

I heard this quote mentioned on a podcast I listened to and it resonated with me. So often, we talk about everything BUT what really hurts.

We bottle up our emotions and wonder why we feel so much resentment, powerlessness, guilt, or shame.

Sometimes we don’t even tell ourselves the truth about what really hurts us because it’s “easier” not to think about it. But then not thinking about it actually makes our lives harder in some ways because we disconnect from our truth – and from ourselves. We hide from ourselves or tell ourselves it’s not a big deal, that we need to get over it, that we’re “stronger” than this.

I think what helps us feel stronger is when we tell the truth and actually talk about it instead of denying it to ourselves. Talking to trusted friends or family members might feel supportive. Or talking to a therapist, counselor, or coach might feel safer – someone more objective and who has tools to hear us and empower us to move forward.

For me, seeing a therapist regularly to talk about what hurts was one of the most empowering things I’ve done for myself. When I let myself be vulnerable and saw that someone else could hold space for that vulnerability, I allowed myself to then learn to hold space for myself in that way. I allowed myself to be more vulnerable with myself and then with others. I stopped hiding myself so much and this is what also allowed me to be more authentic and aligned with who I am. I started to feel okay with who I was.

One revelatory truth for me during therapy was, “I am okay . . . I have always been okay . . . and I will always be okay.”

Your turn: What hurts have you been denying or hiding from yourself? How might talking about them help you? Who is someone that you can talk to?

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Dropping your relationship manuals

September 26, 2024 ~ The Healing Modalities ~ Leave a comment

Your power is with you. Part 2.

Last week we looked at the manuals we have for others and why we have them.

We create manuals, or sets of instructions, for the people in our life about how they’re supposed to behave, so we can feel good.

We then base how we feel about others on whether they follow our manuals or not. We also make it mean they care or don’t care about us based on our manuals for them.

When we place the responsibility of feeling good on other people, we give all our power away to those people.

In reality, each of us is responsible for meeting our own needs. When we’re in a relationship where we feel responsible for fulfilling someone else’s needs and they feel responsible for fulfilling ours, there’s constant manipulation and effort to control one another so that in the end, nobody wins. There’s only resentment, anger, frustration, exasperation, and a sense of defeat.

We can’t control another person, and there’s nothing they could possibly do that would make us as happy as we want to be. All of the power to feel happy and good lies within us.

So dropping our relationship manuals is about deciding who we want to be and taking all of our power back so that we can show up in ways we like and feel good about ourselves. Then we get to decide how we want to be or act from that place, in any circumstance.

This doesn’t mean we stay in relationships that are harmful or not serving us well. We need to do what’s necessary to protect ourselves and take care of ourselves. Although boundaries and requests are appropriate, trying to control and manipulate other people never works. Instead, it can make us feel and even act like a wild person (!).

Instead, we can become familiar with and practice these things:

Allow ourselves to feel all emotions. This means being willing to feel ALL the emotions, especially the emotions we’re trying to avoid by wanting someone to behave in a specific way.
Decide who we want to be. When we’re trying to control someone else, we’re usually not being versions of ourselves that we’re proud of.
Decide what we want the other person’s actions to mean. We don’t have to take it personally.

Here’s an example if I have the manual instruction: “My friend should always remember my birthday.”

If my friend forgets my birthday, I can allow myself to feel sad and disappointed about that. Those are uncomfortable feelings, but I allow myself to feel those feelings anyway.

Then I can decide who I want to be in the relationship. I can decide that I want to be an understanding friend and give my friend grace, even if he forgot my birthday. I can still want to be friends with him.

Then I can decide what I want my friend’s action to mean. I can decide to not take it personally and not make it mean anything about me. My friend’s action is about him. Maybe his life is very full and he didn’t do it on purpose. I can decide that he’s still a good friend even if he forgot my birthday.

When we want someone to be DIFFERENT than they are, then we’re wanting a version of them that doesn’t exist. We want a version of them that we think is SUPPOSED TO exist. But that version only exists in our mind. And that’s what’s creating our problem – because who we’re looking at doesn’t match who we THINK they should be.

What if we allow them to be who they ARE and just appreciate them for that? If we can’t do that, we might consider: Why am I choosing to be in a relationship with this person?

We get to decide what we do with our time, how we respond, and when we want to make changes in our life. We can think about those changes and what we want based on what we DO have control over. Our power stays with us.

Your turn: Do you recognize why you have manual instructions for other people? What feelings are you trying to avoid feeling by having these manual instructions? What would happen if you allowed yourself to be open to feeling all the emotions? How might your relationships be different if you stopped trying to get someone to behave in a specific way so that you can feel good?

I talk more about manuals in my newest podcast episode, #12 “Your Manuals Are Getting in Your Way.” You can listen to it on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, YouTube and wherever you listen to podcasts!

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Do you have “manuals” for other people?

September 19, 2024 ~ The Healing Modalities ~ Leave a comment

Yes, you likely do, Part 1.

When we have assumptions or expectations about what people are supposed to do, we have “manuals” for them.

We want people to behave in ways that make us feel good and happy. We usually don’t tell the other people what’s in our manual for them. And we usually don’t even realize we have these manuals or see how they’re causing us pain.

We think that the other people should just “know” what to do and how to treat us. It can seem justified to have expectations of other people, but it can be damaging to us when our emotional happiness is directly tied to them behaving a certain way.

Many of us have manuals that come from the belief that we would be happier if someone in our lives would change. This can be a big cause of suffering because we’re handing over the power of how we feel to someone else.

Other people’s behavior has no impact on us emotionally until we think about it, interpret it, and choose to make it mean something.

No matter what people do, how they act, or what they say, we don’t have to give others the power to determine how we feel.

Some common manual instructions might look like this:

• He should text me back within an hour after I text him.

• She should listen to me for as long as I listened to her.

• He should spend less time at work.

• She should remember my birthday.

• He should know what I like.

• She should invite me when she has a party.

• He shouldn’t watch so much football.

• She should write me a thank you note.

• He should buy me something special on my birthday.

• She should support me.

• He should be emotionally available.

• She should ask me to be a bridesmaid, godmother, etc.

• He should tell me he loves me.

If there’s a “should” in there, it’s likely a manual instruction. These are simple and brief examples, but most manuals are pages and pages long. They’re complicated, detailed, and intricate.

Rather than sharing these expectations with the person they’re about, those of us with manuals generally think the other person should just inherently know. We then want to make it mean that when they do these certain things, we are really loved by this person. And if they don’t do what’s in our manuals, then what do we feel?

Does it make sense why manuals can create pain for us? So what are we supposed to do instead? More on this next week.

Your turn: If you’re open to the idea that you have manuals for other people, what are the instructions you have for them? Would you be open to sharing the instructions as requests for the other person? If not, are you willing to see how these instructions might be causing you pain? Can you become aware of when you’re experiencing met or unmet manual instructions for both yourself and for others?

I talk more about manuals in my newest podcast episode, “Your Manuals Are Getting in Your Way,” out today! You can listen to it on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, YouTube and wherever you listen to podcasts!

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When you “don’t got” this

September 12, 2024 ~ The Healing Modalities ~ Leave a comment

That’s OK.

How many of us have said to others or have had it said to us, “You got this!”? Or how many times have we said to ourselves, “I got this!”?

Sometimes that phrase can be an energizing, motivating way to support someone else or ourselves. Sometimes we need to hear it to get a nudge of confidence or determination to do something hard.

And sometimes, the most supportive thing we can tell ourselves is the truth, “I DON’T got this.”

It might be a hard truth to hear for some of us who are used to figuring it out no matter what or pushing through it all the time.

But try it out. Let it sink in. “I don’t got this.”

How does it feel to say that? Maybe to admit that?

Maybe it doesn’t feel realistic because it’s not really true right now. Maybe it doesn’t feel supportive. Maybe it feels icky. Why?

Or maybe it feels like relief. Maybe it feels like a revelation. Maybe it feels responsible.

When we can allow ourselves to think or say, “I don’t got this,” we are allowing ourselves to tell the truth in some aspect of our lives that might feel daunting or overwhelming. Sometimes our lives can feel that way because we are human beings living in a world that we mostly can’t control.

If we can admit to ourselves, “I don’t got this,” a helpful next thing to ask is, “What do I need?”

Our brains like to find answers, so asking “What do I need?” gives our brain a job to do. The answer might be:

“Let it be for now” or
“I think I need to talk to someone” or
“I think I need to ask John for help” or
“I think I need to ask Susie for help too” or
“I think I need to slow down” or
“I think I need to cry it out”

Or whatever the answer might be, listen and allow.

It doesn’t mean we give up and we’ll never “got this” again. It means right now, we need some extra support – either from ourselves or from others who we trust to help or support us in a way that works for all involved.

Your turn: Where in your life do you “don’t got” this right now? Are you willing to admit that to yourself and have it be OK for now? Are you open to seeing what you need to move forward? How would you like to support yourself in this?

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Wisdom from your Future Self

September 5, 2024 ~ The Healing Modalities ~ Leave a comment

Receive it.

Many of us are used to looking to our past to determine what our future could be.

We may think, “Well, I’ve only made $75,000 a year before, so I’m not sure if I’ll be able to make more than that” or “I’ve never lost 30 pounds before, so I don’t know if I can do it” or just “I haven’t done that before, so I probably can’t do it.”

When we really look at those thoughts, it’s almost silly that we’d think them. Just because we haven’t done something before doesn’t mean that we won’t be able to do it. That’s just an easy excuse, a way to shut out possibility.

If we’re basing what’s possible on our past, then yes, we will only be able to see what’s possible based on what we’ve already done.

But if we want to go beyond what we’ve done before, we need to look to our future and keep our focus there.

But what gets in the way now of achieving seemingly impossible goals?

We may be able to make a list of “things” that get in the way, but really, it’s mostly just our thoughts. Which create feelings. Like fear, doubt, defeat. Ahead of time.

Remember, thoughts create our feelings, feelings drive our actions, and our actions (or inactions) produce the results we get.

So let’s think thoughts that create the feelings: determined, focused, excited, committed.

Our Future Self believes in what’s possible.

Our Future Self knows that they can do it.

Our Future Self is living the dream – has made the money, lost the weight, stopped drinking, has the partner, feels good.

So instead of thinking thoughts that create obstacles towards our goals and the feeling of “defeated” ahead of time, we can choose thoughts that create momentum and the feeling of “determined.”

What does our Future Self who’s already achieved the goal think and feel? Let’s start thinking some of those thoughts. Let’s start feeling some of those feelings.

When we choose intentional thoughts on purpose about what’s possible for us, we get to feel the intentional feelings created by those thoughts. Then we get to be intentional with our actions and inactions. And ultimately, we can create the results we want.

Your turn: What do you want to create in your life and why? What would you get to believe and think about yourself when you achieve that goal? What would you get to feel when you achieve that goal? What if those thoughts and feelings are all available for you to believe and feel about yourself right now? Guess what? They are.

I talk more about this topic in today’s episode of Get Out of Your Own Way, Ep. 11: “What Your Future Self Knows.” Check it out here: Apple Podcasts, Spotify, YouTube.

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Are you worrying too much?

August 29, 2024 ~ The Healing Modalities ~ Leave a comment

It’s exhausting.

For most of us, worrying seems necessary. But what is it that we’re doing when we worry?

When we’re worrying, we’re making up a story about what could happen – usually the worst-case scenario – and then thinking as if it’s already happened.

What do we create for ourselves when we do that? We use a lot of mental and psychic energy focusing our minds on something that might happen and that will unlikely happen. And it’s exhausting.

When we think we’re protecting ourselves from a possible outcome that hasn’t happened yet, we’re hurting ourselves ahead of time. We’re already feeling all the emotions and thinking all the thoughts we might feel if this outcome happened. So we’re going through it as if it’s already happened, when it hasn’t yet or maybe never will.

Worrying is just a bunch of thoughts that we’re thinking. And likely the same thoughts repeating over and over again.

So what are the facts? A fact may be that an event is coming up on June 14th where you’re speaking in front of people. A fact may be that your son is going to a party with his friends this weekend. A fact may be that you’re traveling to Florida on June 25th. A fact may be that someone you care about hasn’t called you back for two days. A fact may be that you just got a mammogram done today and you’re waiting for results.

Everything else in your mind is just thoughts that you’re thinking about the facts.

We may think that worrying about something may “prepare” us for what could happen. But what if the worst-case scenario does happen? Will worrying about it make it any less devastating in the moment when it happens? No. Likely we will feel all the painful feelings that come up.

Worrying about it in advance only drains your energy ahead of time and doesn’t necessarily “prepare” or “protect” you from worst-case scenarios.

Your turn: What’s the upside of worrying? Instead of worrying, is it possible to keep your thoughts focused on the facts? What could happen instead if you keep your thoughts neutral or focused on the best possible outcome instead of the worst case?

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When it’s taking too long

June 13, 2024 ~ The Healing Modalities ~ Leave a comment

We’re doing the work.

When we’ve been doing the work of growing and expanding ourselves through personal growth and development, sometimes we may think, “I should know this already. I should be better at this. Why am I still reacting this way? Why is this still hard for me?”

Why, my friends? Because we are human beings with human brains.

Just because we know the work, the tools involved, and the ways of thinking that can benefit us, doesn’t mean we no longer have human emotions and human experiences. That we no longer have to do the work.

We learn the tools and beneficial ways of thinking in order to help us navigate our human experience on purpose, consciously and deliberately, with compassion and grace for ourselves and others.

There isn’t a point where we get to stop doing the work—unless we choose to be stagnant and stay exactly where we are. It’s possible to do that, but also as human beings, it’s unlikely that we’ll want to choose that for ourselves.

We will always get to do the work. And that’s not a “bad” thing. It means that we’re continuing to expand ourselves and grow beyond where we currently are. That we want to be even more of who we are becoming.

Our primitive brains evolved to want to be efficient (to do “easy” things), to avoid pain, and to seek pleasure to help us survive.

When we’re wanting to live a fulfilled life where we’re not just surviving but thriving, we can’t always choose the easy things, we will likely be uncomfortable facing new situations and experiences, and we will delay immediate pleasure/gratification in order to attain our long-term well-being.

So we do the work in order to overcome our primitive brains and utilize our sophisticated brains (our prefrontal cortex) to their fullest potential.

Some thoughts for helping us continue doing the work:

I’m getting better at processing my emotions.
This is still hard for me, and that’s okay.
I’m learning something from this and that’s why I don’t already know better.
I’m reacting this way and catching myself instead of being unaware.
My awareness is helping me through this.
I can see that I’m learning and growing through this challenging experience.

The work is always here. No matter how much we know, we don’t get to escape the work. And it’s worth it to see who we become.

Your turn: Are you willing to keep doing the work to become the version of yourself that you want to be? Instead of thinking “This is taking too long,” are you willing to process and be with your feelings for as long as it takes? Are you open to remembering that you always have a choice to do the work or to not do it, and to confront the consequences depending on what you choose?

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In a hurry to change?

June 6, 2024 ~ The Healing Modalities ~ Leave a comment

What are you resisting?

Sometimes we feel a sense of urgency to make a change in our lives. We think by making the change, we’ll feel better and we want to feel better NOW. This is what happens when we think our circumstances create our feelings.

There’s nothing wrong with changing our circumstances if we can easily do that. But we usually bring our emotional state into the new circumstances as well, if we don’t spend time managing our mindset first.

For example, a client of mine recently started dating again after being off the dating apps for over 10 months. The last time she was on them, she met someone she really liked. It was long-distance, however, and the other person ended things after two months because long-distance was too hard. They didn’t have a “want match” in that aspect. And that breakup was very hard for her because she enjoyed the other person so much.

During one of our coaching sessions together, she realized she felt a sense of urgency to meet and start dating someone new because of two things: 1) she had a belief, “If it doesn’t happen quickly, it will never happen,” and 2) she was trying to escape the feeling of hurt and sadness she still felt about the relationship ending, even after time had passed – she wasn’t over that person yet.

In her effort to escape (resist) the feelings of hurt and sadness, she wanted to change her circumstance by meeting someone new so she would no longer feel hurt and sad. Along with recognizing that, it was also important for her to see the limiting belief she held.

So this is what we did. We pulled out the limiting belief, “If it doesn’t happen quickly, it will never happen” and looked at why that wasn’t true. Since she is being more intentional with who and what she wants, maybe it’s happening FOR her that it’s taking some time before she meets someone she really likes. In the past, things had happened somewhat quickly where she met someone she really liked, but ultimately, the relationship didn’t end up being what she wanted – the “want matches” weren’t there.

I asked, “So how might taking ‘longer’ this time be happening FOR you?” She came up with:

– “I get to clarify even more who I want to be with and who I want to BE in the relationship.”
– “Even when it feels hard – discouraging, disappointing, rejecting – I remind myself why this is important to me and I keep showing up for myself instead of wanting to give up.”
– “I get to show myself love and compassion through this, which strengthens my relationship with myself.”

There are probably even more things she could find.

The other thing we pulled out was the resistance to her feelings. When she became aware that she was resisting and trying to escape those feelings of hurt and sadness, she began to allow them to be there.

She noticed that by allowing those feelings, the sense of urgency decreased. Because now there was less to resist or escape. She could be accepting of where she is emotionally and see that the feelings could be there and not overwhelm her. She could have compassion for herself about why she feels hurt and sad.

She now feels more comfortable with taking her time during this process of dating and meeting people, being intentional and patient. She recognizes that even in this, she is learning and growing.

Your turn: Where in your life do you feel a sense of urgency? Can you recognize if you have a limiting belief in that area? What is the belief? Can you recognize if you’re resisting emotions in that area? What are the emotions? If you find that you feel a sense of urgency, what does having compassion for yourself look like? How might this “taking longer” or “taking too long” be happening FOR you?

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Presence stealer

May 30, 2024 ~ The Healing Modalities ~ Leave a comment

Do you do this?

A couple weeks ago, I wrote about the ways we try to escape from ourselves and our lives. In order to take care of ourselves, we need to be present for ourselves. We need to know what’s going on with us. We need to be able to tell the truth about what’s going on for us. We need to be present for ourselves exactly where we are.

Another way that we might routinely “leave” ourselves is by comparing what’s going on in our lives to what we think our lives “should” look like.

When we compare and despair, it’s hard to remain present with WHAT IS.

It’s tempting to think that an idealized version of our lives is better than where we actually are right now. I call that “there vs. here” thinking. We might think:

“Once I get that promotion, I’ll finally feel satisfied.”
“When I find my perfect partner, I’ll feel worthy and complete.”
“Once I’ve lost the extra weight, I’ll love myself more.”
“When my business is up and running, I’ll feel successful.”
“Once we have kids, our marriage will be more fulfilling.”

We can get focused on “there” and forget about being here in the present moment. And when we place a lot of weight on getting “there,” we may be disappointed once we are “there” and we still don’t feel satisfied, worthy, loving, successful, or fulfilled.

This is not to say that we shouldn’t have a vision of what we want for ourselves and our lives.

But when we place so much responsibility on the future for the way we want to FEEL, we forget that we’re responsible for the way we’re feeling right now, here in the PRESENT.

We forget to be present for ourselves where we are, for our life where it is. Being “here” and appreciating what we have “here” is valuable and important in getting us “there.” In fact, to create the future we’d like to have, we need to appreciate what we DO have now.

“Being aware of the present moment simply means you never believe the illusion that the future is going to be better than what is going on right now.” – Mateo Tabatabai, The Mind-Made Prison

Your turn: What’s good about right now? (I can breathe, I’m working at a job that pays me, I have clothes to wear, I have eyes that can read these words. . .) What can you appreciate about you and your life exactly as you are, exactly as it is? What do you feel when you think those thoughts?

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