Tag: delay gratification

An easy way to care for yourself

~ The Healing Modalities ~ Leave a comment

Even more.

One of the ways I started taking better care of myself was through thinking about my Future Self and what she would appreciate. 

It’s easy to do or not do something in the moment for reasons of instant gratification. But would your Future Self appreciate that action?

Here are some examples:

When faced with washing the dishes in my kitchen sink, would my Future Self appreciate the instant gratification of my Current Self leaving dishes in the sink for her to wash the next day? (Sometimes I DO choose to leave the dishes for the next day – on days when I know I don’t have to rush out of the house first thing in the morning. Then I DO have time to do them in the morning. But if I leave them there the night before a long day, I know I won’t be able to wash them until I get home later the next evening. And by that time, I might be too tired and there goes another day with dishes in the sink. In that case, my Future Self would appreciate me washing the dishes sooner rather than later.)

Would my Future Self appreciate me spending an hour scrolling on social media at night when I could be sleeping earlier or reading instead? I think my Future Self would appreciate some extra sleep or making progress in the book I’m reading.

Would my Future Self appreciate me skipping my morning workout routine today? What would be the consequences of that? If I’m sick or in pain, that’s a different story. My Current Self would appreciate it greatly if I skipped my morning workout routine today. My Future Self might also appreciate it, if it means that I rest and recover more quickly instead of pushing myself and prolonging the pain or sickness.

Would my Future Self appreciate me giving in to the urge to text someone who is better for me NOT to text in the moment? Probably not, because she would have to deal with the consequences of feeling anxious, waiting to hear back, receiving a message that she doesn’t want to hear, or engaging in ways that are unhealthy for her. 

Would my Future Self appreciate me eating another helping of food when I want to lose weight? No, because she’s the one who will be frustrated that her body weight isn’t changing and “nothing” is working. Even though it might meet my Current Self’s need for instant gratification, it will delay my Future Self’s desire for a more healthy weight and well-being. 

In thinking about our Future Self, what we’re doing TODAY contributes to what and who our Future Self will be, do, and have. 

Today, if we don’t overeat, we are taking care of our tomorrow Future Self who won’t feel lethargic and guilty for overeating. 

Today, if we spend an hour working on the report, we are taking care of our next-week Future Self who won’t need to scramble at the last minute to finish the report.

Today, if we decide to finally leave the toxic relationship we’re in, we are taking care of our 6-month later Future Self who is in a healthier relationship with themself (or even someone else). 

Today, if we create a monthly payment plan to pay off our debt and choose on each of the following months to stick with the plan, we are taking care of our one-year later Future Self who no longer has debt. 

We get to decide today with our actions how we are taking care of our Future Self. 

Your turn: What will you decide to do today to take care of your Future Self tomorrow? What about your Future Self in a week? In a month? In a year?

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Work with me: Want to see how self-care is transformative and can help you create the results you want in your life? I can show you how. I offer first-time seekers a complimentary 60-minute exploratory session. Sign up here.

What’s on your mind? It can be powerful to learn from each other and our common struggles when it comes to our practice of self-care–or just being a human being. If you have something you’re struggling with and would like some perspective, share it here. Your issue may be chosen and addressed in the next post–it’ll be totally anonymous.

When it’s time for self-care

~ The Healing Modalities ~ Leave a comment

Sometimes our brain gets in the way.

Why is it so hard sometimes to make changes in our lives that have long-term benefits?

It can be hard because of how our brains have evolved. The prefrontal cortex is the part of our brain that makes us human. It can plan and think about what it’s thinking about. Our primitive, lower brain is the same brain that animals have. It wants to be efficient, avoid pain, and seek pleasure–this is the Motivational Triad. 

The Motivational Triad can get in the way of us making the changes we want. Why?

Change is new and different. We’re not used to doing new things. So the primitive brain doesn’t get to be efficient when we’re implementing changes. It wants to go back to doing what it knows how to do and what it’s already good at doing. The easy stuff that we’ve been doing and that might not necessarily get us the results we want in our lives.

When we’re making changes in our lives, we’re usually also experiencing discomfort. Whether it’s because we’re waking up earlier, eating less sugar, drinking less alcohol, feeling deprived, moving our bodies more, or spending less money. 

We’ve been used to the instant gratification, which is what the brain likes–the seeking of pleasure and the avoidance of pain. Doing these new things doesn’t give us instant gratification. But it will give us long-term benefits.

How do we push past the discomfort? It’s not by using willpower. It goes back to processing and allowing feelings. And to using our prefrontal cortex.

We use our prefrontal cortex to make plans to implement long-term change. But our primitive brain likes to try to override these plans because it wants to be efficient, avoid pain, and seek pleasure.

So we make a plan first—and know that the primitive brain will try to impose.

If we want to stop overeating, we decide 24 hours ahead of time what we’re going to eat and eat only that.

If we want to stop overdrinking, we decide 24 hours ahead of time how many drinks we’re going to have and have only that.

If we want to stop overspending, we decide 24 hours ahead of time how much we’ll spend and spend only that.

The primitive brain will create urges. So when we have an urge to overeat, we have to allow that urge to be there and feel it. Usually the urge will pass if we’re not fighting against it.

When we have an urge to buy something new, we allow the urge to be there and feel it. And let it pass and stick to our spending plan.

When we have an urge to do anything that deviates from our plan, we allow that urge and let it pass without fighting it or thinking we need to answer that urge.

It might seem impossible at first. But once you start practicing allowing urges, it can become easier.Your turn: Think about the last time you did something that seemed impossible for you to do. But then you decided to do it and you did it. When you actually did it, what did you think of it afterwards?

The fact that you did it probably felt gratifying and instilled the confidence that you could do it again if you wanted to. What would happen if you made a plan 24 hours in advance and allowed an urge to be there without answering it? How would doing that bring you closer to the results you want in your life?

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Work with me: Want to see how self-care is transformative and can help create a more meaningful life in which you start committing to yourself and show up the way you want? I can show you how. I offer first-time seekers a complimentary 45-minute exploratory session. Sign up here.

What’s on your mind? It can be powerful to learn from each other and our common struggles when it comes to our practice of self-care–or just being a human being. If you have something you’re struggling with and would like some perspective, share it here. Your issue may be chosen and addressed in the next post–it’ll be totally anonymous.

How to feel an urge

~ The Healing Modalities ~ Leave a comment

Delay gratification.

Why is knowing how to allow and feel urges important when we’re working towards a goal?

Because when we give in to urges, we move farther away from our goals. 

Urges feel important–they feel urgent. Most of the time, when we feel an urge, our automatic response is to react to it by giving in to the urge. Because when we give in to the urge, we’ll no longer feel the urge. Feeling an urge can be uncomfortable and so we want to get rid of the feeling as quickly as we can.

But giving in to urges for instant gratification keeps us from getting what we really want, especially when we’re wanting to lose weight, exercise more, spend less, drink less, create something, or to separate from an ex, as examples.

  • When we want to lose weight, the urge is to overeat. 
  • When we want to exercise more, the urge is to sleep in or “not feel like it.”
  • When we want to save money or spend less, the urge is to buy something new even if we don’t need it.
  • When we want to stop overdrinking, the urge is to have a second (or third) drink.
  • When we want to create something, the urge is to check social media feeds or consume content in other ways that prevent us from creating.
  • When we want to separate from an ex, the urge is to text or call or look at their social media accounts.

It’s pretty clear how giving in to those urges would keep us from moving towards our goals.

So I want to offer that instead of reacting to and giving in to an urge, we can allow it to be there and to feel it. Even if it’s uncomfortable. 

We can get mixed up about what it means to allow or feel an urge because when we’re not giving in to it, we’re usually resisting it and trying to push it away. We might be thinking, “I don’t want to have this urge. I should have more willpower. Why can’t I stop wanting this?” This also is not allowing an urge to be there if we’re fighting against it and beating ourselves up for it. 

Allowing an urge to be there without reacting to it looks like this:

  • Notice when an urge arises and allow yourself to be curious about it.
  • Acknowledge the urge with something like, “OK, I feel the urge to eat something right now even though I know I’m not physically hungry.”
  • Let the urge be there, instead of resisting it and trying to push it away, with something like, “I‘m feeling this urge and it feels so uncomfortable. I feel this urge, and that’s okay.” 
  • Notice the discomfort of NOT giving in to the urge–in this example, by not reaching for a snack right away.
  • After 10 minutes or so of having allowed the urge to be there, see if the desire to reach for a snack (or some other action related to the urge you’re feeling) is still there.

When we get good at allowing urges to be there, we get closer to our goals because we won’t give in to the urges that take us away from our goals. We learn to delay instant gratification for the real gratification we desire from obtaining our goals.  

Your turn: What is a goal you’re working towards? What urges would you want to practice allowing in order to move closer to that goal? Are you willing to feel the discomfort of NOT giving in to the urge? What happens when you tell yourself, “I feel the urge to _____, and that’s okay”?

Subscribe if you want to receive this content directly in your inbox.

Work with me: Want to see how self-care is transformative and can help create a more meaningful life in which you start committing to yourself and show up the way you want? I can show you how. I offer first-time seekers a complimentary 45-minute exploratory session. Sign up here.