Your boundaries with YOU

November 14, 2024 ~ The Healing Modalities ~ Leave a comment

Build trust.

We’ve been talking about boundaries with other people for the past few weeks. Let’s talk about boundaries with ourselves today.

What this looks like is keeping commitments to ourselves or keeping our word to ourselves.

If we are the keepers of our own boundaries with others and we take the actions to maintain those boundaries, we can do the same with ourselves.

We may want to set a boundary for ourselves around the following:

Boundary between work and home (for those who work from home)
Boundary for when we look at or check our phones
Boundary for how much time we spend on social media
Boundary around time spent watching streaming shows
Boundary around how much sugar we eat
Boundary around how much caffeine or alcohol we drink
Boundary around how much active time we have
Boundary for when we choose to go to sleep every night

We can make plans for all these boundaries. What creates boundary violations with ourselves is when we don’t stick to the plan.

We worked two more hours than we planned to.
We have one more drink than we planned to.
We scrolled on social media for 45 minutes longer than we planned to.
We ate two cookies instead of one.
We went to bed at midnight instead of 10:30pm.
We didn’t exercise like we planned to.

Many of us are very good at keeping commitments to others, especially if we don’t want to disappoint them or let them down. What happens when we don’t keep our commitments to others? They may feel let down and disappointed. We may feel guilty or disappointed in ourselves.

What happens when we don’t keep our commitments to ourselves? We are the ones who feel BOTH things–let down by ourselves AND guilty or disappointed in ourselves. We get a double whammy.

When we don’t follow through with our commitments to ourselves, we erode our trust with ourselves. This makes us less likely to even make plans for ourselves to commit to because we might think, “What’s the point? I probably won’t do it anyway.”

To build trust with ourselves, we can practice keeping commitments to ourselves with compassion. We make the plan (the boundary) and we take the actions to maintain the plan (keeping the boundary). If we miss the mark once, we don’t just give up. We give ourselves grace and practice taking action again.

It feels good to keep a commitment. The more we do it, the more trust we build with ourselves. And that can have positive effects on everything we do.

Your turn: What plans (boundaries) do you want to put into place for yourself? Are you willing to be committed to being the keeper of your plans (boundaries)? How would your life be different if you kept your commitment to maintaining your boundaries with yourself?

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What’s on your mind? It can be powerful to learn from each other and our common struggles when it comes to our practice of self-care–or just being a human being. If you have something you’re struggling with and would like some perspective, share it here. Your issue may be chosen and addressed in the next post–it’ll be totally anonymous.

When saying “yes” is a lie

October 31, 2024 ~ The Healing Modalities ~ Leave a comment

Tell the truth: say “no.”

We’re continuing our boundary discussion. Last week we talked about some examples of boundary requests and consequences/actions.

We are the keepers of our boundaries and we’re responsible for taking the actions to maintain them.

Many people aren’t good at saying “no.” Or when they do say “no,” they try to offer an explanation – usually a lie – in order to control what the other person thinks of them.

We often say “yes” when we really want to say “no” because we’re afraid of what other people will think of us. This is part of people-pleasing. (Read more about people pleasing here.)

But when we aren’t able to tell the truth out of self-respect and say “no,” we end up lying and saying “yes.” This is how we set ourselves up for boundary violations.

When we do this, we create the potential for resentment to build in us.

Think about what happens when we don’t start out by telling the truth about our boundaries – not being able to say “no” when we want to – and end up experiencing boundary violations. We then have to do the harder work of circling back to prevent further boundary violations.

This can look like “standing up” for ourselves because the person who is violating our boundary has been doing so for a while now and not knowing that they are. So now we’re also likely setting this boundary out of anger as well. To the other person, it’s like we’re “coming out of nowhere” with our boundary request and exploding at them for no reason.

If we’re willing to say “no” at the outset, we don’t have to stand up for ourselves. We’ll just simply say “no” at the beginning to avoid other potential boundary violations.

We have to get good at telling the truth and saying “no” while staying connected as a practice, so we can say “yes” to what we really want to do.

Then our “yes” will also be telling the truth.

Next week, we’ll look at what to say when saying “no” is really not an option.

Your turn: When do you find yourself lying by saying “yes” when you really want to say “no”? What would you need to believe in order to tell the truth by saying “no”? What are some ways you can recognize when you want to say “no,” honoring that in yourself, and practice saying “no” when it’s the truth? How can you feel empowered to be the keeper of your boundaries and be responsible for taking the actions to maintain them?

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Set boundaries & stay connected?

October 24, 2024 ~ The Healing Modalities ~ Leave a comment

Here’s how.

We’re continuing our discussion about boundaries this week and I want to emphasize that we set boundaries to take care of ourselves and to keep our relationships healthy for us.

Because our relationships are important to us, we can state our requests and boundaries from a place of connection instead of disconnection. Stating a boundary from anger, annoyance, or frustration usually isn’t helpful to a relationship.

It’s our job to protect and be responsible for our boundaries. We can make requests, but ultimately we can’t force someone to do something. We can choose to leave or take action to protect our boundary. If we see that the other person frequently disregards our boundary requests, we may decide to create some distance with them and how we interact with them in our life, and let them know why.

Most people think boundaries are something that they’re not. When it comes down to it, much of what we think needs a boundary is due to our own lack of self-care.

To review, a boundary is required only when there has been a boundary violation.

A violation is when someone comes into our space (physical or emotional) without us being OK with it.
A boundary is stating what WE will do if that person continues their behavior.
It is NOT us telling that person how to behave.

Additionally, if we make a boundary request and don’t follow through on what we say we’ll do, we’ve only made an idle threat or consequence. This diminishes our own self-respect and the other person’s respect for us.

A boundary request sounds like this: “If you continue to _____, then I will ______.”

For example, “I don’t appreciate being berated, so don’t yell at me,” is NOT setting a boundary. It’s telling someone else what to do.

“I hear that this is important to you and I don’t appreciate being berated. So if you continue to yell, then I’m going to leave the room until we can talk without you yelling,” is setting a boundary while wanting to stay connected.

The person can continue to yell. The consequence that we follow through with is leaving the room if they do. We used a connection phrase to start by acknowledging the other person with “I hear that this is important to you.” Other connection phrases:

“I appreciate you and your perspective, and if you continue to _____, then I will _____.”
“I value our relationship and time together, and if you keep _____, then I will ______.”
“I love you, and I’m not going to do that (thing that you asked me to) because it really doesn’t work for me. How else can I support you?”
“I hear that you feel disappointed with my decision. I’m here to help in a way that works for both of us.”

What other questions do you have about boundaries? Let me know here.

Your turn: What boundary requests would benefit you if you made them? Do you have a clear request and a clear consequence/action that you’ll take if the other person violates your boundary? How can you keep the relationship connected while setting a clear boundary?

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Ready to set boundaries?

October 17, 2024 ~ The Healing Modalities ~ Leave a comment

Feel the discomfort.

I haven’t talked about boundaries in a while and my next podcast episode that’s out today is about boundaries, so I’m revisiting them here too!

Sometimes people mix up setting boundaries with trying to control others. We do not create boundaries for other people. We create boundaries to take care of and protect ourselves.

Boundaries are not:

Ways to control or manipulate other people
Things you think other people should be doing (e.g. “I want my partner to clean the bathroom,” “I want my friend to call me back when I call her,” “I want my kid to clean her room.”)

We can learn to recognize when to use and talk about boundaries. This means having a clear sense of what and where our boundaries are. When we don’t have clear boundaries, people don’t know if they’re violating them or not.

When there is a clear boundary violation, such as someone speaking to us in a demeaning way or someone doing something in our home that’s not allowed, then we have the boundary conversation.

The conversation includes making a clear request along with stating a clear consequence. The consequence is something that WE will do, an action or behavior that WE will take.

Here’s an example of a clear boundary: “If you smoke a cigarette in my house, I am going to ask you to leave my house. We don’t allow smoking here. This is what I will do if you smoke.”

It’s important to remember that the person we’re making the request of can continue to do whatever they would like to do. Human beings can smoke cigarettes if they want. It’s not a boundary violation until they come into our home or our car or our space and try to smoke cigarettes there.

Notice that when we make the request, “If you continue to do that, then I will…” the consequence is the behavior that WE will take. It’s not, “You need to stop smoking or else.” We’re making the request and then explaining what WE will do as the consequence of not following that request.

So why don’t we set boundaries when we know we want to? Because usually it’s difficult and uncomfortable to make these requests and establish consequences with the people in our lives.

Sometimes it’s so uncomfortable for us that we avoid making the requests. Or if we do make the requests, we don’t actually follow through on the consequences. Because that’s uncomfortable too – doing what we say we’ll do when someone violates a boundary means potentially risking our relationship with that person or facing their disapproval.

But then what happens when we don’t make these requests or when we don’t follow through on the consequences? People continue to violate our boundaries.

And we get upset and build up resentments. Usually we’re the only ones feeling this way, because the people who continue to violate our boundaries either don’t know they’re doing so or don’t think there are any consequences for doing so.

There’s a lot more to say about boundaries – more next week!

Your turn: Are you recognizing why you might not be setting boundaries that would benefit your life? What would you have to believe in order to make the requests and follow through on the consequences? How can you practice saying what you want to say instead of avoiding setting boundaries with people?

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Create vs. Consume

October 10, 2024 ~ The Healing Modalities ~ Leave a comment

What do you create?

We all consume many things – the news, social media posts, streaming shows, movies, podcasts, books, articles, emails, food, drinks, learning courses, material items like clothing, etc.

What I’ve learned through my life coach school is the importance of CREATING from what we consume. And to balance, as much as possible, what we consume with what we create in our lives.

For example, when I listen to (consume) podcasts, sometimes I get great ideas for content that I want to write about. Or I hear a great life hack that I implement into my life. Or I hear about a concept or idea I want to talk about with a friend.

We can count these as creating! Literally, creating new content when I write about an idea. But also, implementing the life hack into my life is creating, and talking to a friend about an interesting concept is creating – I’m doing something new with the information I consume.

It’s similar when we watch a show or movie and want to talk about it with someone – we’re creating a conversation and processing ideas we’ve consumed. Or when we read a book to join a book club and dive deeper into the ideas with others. Or when a social issue we see on the news or on social media moves us to take action.

All of this can be considered creating and we can do this with almost any type of media we consume. And some people may be moved to create actual art when they consume media – but we don’t have to be artists to create something to share with others, though we do see a lot of wonderful art on social media and elsewhere by people who’ve created it!

This isn’t to say that with EVERYthing we consume, we need to create something as well. But we can start to become aware of how we’re consuming and whether or not we’re creating – or wanting to create – from what we consume.

We can become imbalanced in consuming if all we’re doing is collecting data points and not necessarily doing anything with them. We can also overwhelm and exhaust ourselves with information this way – along with consuming other THINGS as well. What happens when we over-consume food, alcohol, or material items? We may unintentionally create unhealthy bodies and environments for ourselves.

Part of self-care is intentionally creating healthy environments for ourselves. We want to be mindful about what we put into these environments and about what we consume. If we don’t like the way we feel after reading, watching, listening to, eating/drinking, or buying something, we can just notice that.

If it’s something we have a direct choice to NOT read, watch, listen to, eat/drink, or buy, we can inquire with ourselves about whether we want to do that again or keep doing it. We can start to be more aware and intentional about what we’re consuming and whether or not we’re creating what we want in our lives.

Your turn: What do you value consuming? Why do you value it? What do you want to create more of in your life? What can you create for yourself through some of the things you consume?

If the ideas I share resonate with you but you’re not sure how to implement them to change your life, book an exploratory session with me to see what’s possible!

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Dropping your relationship manuals

September 26, 2024 ~ The Healing Modalities ~ Leave a comment

Your power is with you. Part 2.

Last week we looked at the manuals we have for others and why we have them.

We create manuals, or sets of instructions, for the people in our life about how they’re supposed to behave, so we can feel good.

We then base how we feel about others on whether they follow our manuals or not. We also make it mean they care or don’t care about us based on our manuals for them.

When we place the responsibility of feeling good on other people, we give all our power away to those people.

In reality, each of us is responsible for meeting our own needs. When we’re in a relationship where we feel responsible for fulfilling someone else’s needs and they feel responsible for fulfilling ours, there’s constant manipulation and effort to control one another so that in the end, nobody wins. There’s only resentment, anger, frustration, exasperation, and a sense of defeat.

We can’t control another person, and there’s nothing they could possibly do that would make us as happy as we want to be. All of the power to feel happy and good lies within us.

So dropping our relationship manuals is about deciding who we want to be and taking all of our power back so that we can show up in ways we like and feel good about ourselves. Then we get to decide how we want to be or act from that place, in any circumstance.

This doesn’t mean we stay in relationships that are harmful or not serving us well. We need to do what’s necessary to protect ourselves and take care of ourselves. Although boundaries and requests are appropriate, trying to control and manipulate other people never works. Instead, it can make us feel and even act like a wild person (!).

Instead, we can become familiar with and practice these things:

Allow ourselves to feel all emotions. This means being willing to feel ALL the emotions, especially the emotions we’re trying to avoid by wanting someone to behave in a specific way.
Decide who we want to be. When we’re trying to control someone else, we’re usually not being versions of ourselves that we’re proud of.
Decide what we want the other person’s actions to mean. We don’t have to take it personally.

Here’s an example if I have the manual instruction: “My friend should always remember my birthday.”

If my friend forgets my birthday, I can allow myself to feel sad and disappointed about that. Those are uncomfortable feelings, but I allow myself to feel those feelings anyway.

Then I can decide who I want to be in the relationship. I can decide that I want to be an understanding friend and give my friend grace, even if he forgot my birthday. I can still want to be friends with him.

Then I can decide what I want my friend’s action to mean. I can decide to not take it personally and not make it mean anything about me. My friend’s action is about him. Maybe his life is very full and he didn’t do it on purpose. I can decide that he’s still a good friend even if he forgot my birthday.

When we want someone to be DIFFERENT than they are, then we’re wanting a version of them that doesn’t exist. We want a version of them that we think is SUPPOSED TO exist. But that version only exists in our mind. And that’s what’s creating our problem – because who we’re looking at doesn’t match who we THINK they should be.

What if we allow them to be who they ARE and just appreciate them for that? If we can’t do that, we might consider: Why am I choosing to be in a relationship with this person?

We get to decide what we do with our time, how we respond, and when we want to make changes in our life. We can think about those changes and what we want based on what we DO have control over. Our power stays with us.

Your turn: Do you recognize why you have manual instructions for other people? What feelings are you trying to avoid feeling by having these manual instructions? What would happen if you allowed yourself to be open to feeling all the emotions? How might your relationships be different if you stopped trying to get someone to behave in a specific way so that you can feel good?

I talk more about manuals in my newest podcast episode, #12 “Your Manuals Are Getting in Your Way.” You can listen to it on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, YouTube and wherever you listen to podcasts!

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Do you have “manuals” for other people?

September 19, 2024 ~ The Healing Modalities ~ Leave a comment

Yes, you likely do, Part 1.

When we have assumptions or expectations about what people are supposed to do, we have “manuals” for them.

We want people to behave in ways that make us feel good and happy. We usually don’t tell the other people what’s in our manual for them. And we usually don’t even realize we have these manuals or see how they’re causing us pain.

We think that the other people should just “know” what to do and how to treat us. It can seem justified to have expectations of other people, but it can be damaging to us when our emotional happiness is directly tied to them behaving a certain way.

Many of us have manuals that come from the belief that we would be happier if someone in our lives would change. This can be a big cause of suffering because we’re handing over the power of how we feel to someone else.

Other people’s behavior has no impact on us emotionally until we think about it, interpret it, and choose to make it mean something.

No matter what people do, how they act, or what they say, we don’t have to give others the power to determine how we feel.

Some common manual instructions might look like this:

• He should text me back within an hour after I text him.

• She should listen to me for as long as I listened to her.

• He should spend less time at work.

• She should remember my birthday.

• He should know what I like.

• She should invite me when she has a party.

• He shouldn’t watch so much football.

• She should write me a thank you note.

• He should buy me something special on my birthday.

• She should support me.

• He should be emotionally available.

• She should ask me to be a bridesmaid, godmother, etc.

• He should tell me he loves me.

If there’s a “should” in there, it’s likely a manual instruction. These are simple and brief examples, but most manuals are pages and pages long. They’re complicated, detailed, and intricate.

Rather than sharing these expectations with the person they’re about, those of us with manuals generally think the other person should just inherently know. We then want to make it mean that when they do these certain things, we are really loved by this person. And if they don’t do what’s in our manuals, then what do we feel?

Does it make sense why manuals can create pain for us? So what are we supposed to do instead? More on this next week.

Your turn: If you’re open to the idea that you have manuals for other people, what are the instructions you have for them? Would you be open to sharing the instructions as requests for the other person? If not, are you willing to see how these instructions might be causing you pain? Can you become aware of when you’re experiencing met or unmet manual instructions for both yourself and for others?

I talk more about manuals in my newest podcast episode, “Your Manuals Are Getting in Your Way,” out today! You can listen to it on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, YouTube and wherever you listen to podcasts!

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Are you worrying too much?

August 29, 2024 ~ The Healing Modalities ~ Leave a comment

It’s exhausting.

For most of us, worrying seems necessary. But what is it that we’re doing when we worry?

When we’re worrying, we’re making up a story about what could happen – usually the worst-case scenario – and then thinking as if it’s already happened.

What do we create for ourselves when we do that? We use a lot of mental and psychic energy focusing our minds on something that might happen and that will unlikely happen. And it’s exhausting.

When we think we’re protecting ourselves from a possible outcome that hasn’t happened yet, we’re hurting ourselves ahead of time. We’re already feeling all the emotions and thinking all the thoughts we might feel if this outcome happened. So we’re going through it as if it’s already happened, when it hasn’t yet or maybe never will.

Worrying is just a bunch of thoughts that we’re thinking. And likely the same thoughts repeating over and over again.

So what are the facts? A fact may be that an event is coming up on June 14th where you’re speaking in front of people. A fact may be that your son is going to a party with his friends this weekend. A fact may be that you’re traveling to Florida on June 25th. A fact may be that someone you care about hasn’t called you back for two days. A fact may be that you just got a mammogram done today and you’re waiting for results.

Everything else in your mind is just thoughts that you’re thinking about the facts.

We may think that worrying about something may “prepare” us for what could happen. But what if the worst-case scenario does happen? Will worrying about it make it any less devastating in the moment when it happens? No. Likely we will feel all the painful feelings that come up.

Worrying about it in advance only drains your energy ahead of time and doesn’t necessarily “prepare” or “protect” you from worst-case scenarios.

Your turn: What’s the upside of worrying? Instead of worrying, is it possible to keep your thoughts focused on the facts? What could happen instead if you keep your thoughts neutral or focused on the best possible outcome instead of the worst case?

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Satisfied or Afraid?

August 22, 2024 ~ The Healing Modalities ~ Leave a comment

May you discern accurately.

I was listening to one of my favorite podcasts the other day and the episode (an older one from 2023) featured Michelle Obama talking about her book The Light We Carry.

The hosts and Michelle were talking about her parents and how they were content and deeply satisfied people. However, the potential downside of being deeply satisfied with life sometimes is stuckness or rigidness – a fear of being more and doing more, outside our comfort zone.

I interpreted this as meaning that we need to be able to discern between being content and satisfied with our lives versus being afraid to do new things, or to have or be more than we already are.

This felt powerful and revealing to me because I’ve recently been considering certain things in my life. Travel, for instance. I traveled a lot when I was in my mid-20’s and 30’s, and now I recognize that I have less of a desire to travel.

Part of this is because I enjoy being HOME now and reveling in the home space I’ve created for myself. Another part of me knows that it takes a lot of energy and planning to travel too, which, when I think about it, already feels exhausting (!). And another part of me feels resistant to the discomfort of being away from home, in new places, without the familiarity of the things I’m usually surrounded by.

Of course, there’s also excitement and adventure in being around new places, people, and things. I’ll be on the east coast for two weeks soon, and I’m feeling the anticipation of that – having a change of scenery and exploring new places, doing things outside of my routine.

I’ll be traveling internationally later this year too, to places that I haven’t been before. Yes, it does take energy and planning. Yes, it may be tiring and uncomfortable. But it will also be fun and exciting to explore, eat, and experience new things.

Because, could I be satisfied if I never got to travel anywhere again and just got to be HOME, like I enjoy? Maybe. But what would I be missing? Would I be missing out on growth opportunities? Experiencing things I wouldn’t otherwise get to experience? Yes. All because of a little fear of being uncomfortable.

And it had me questioning, WHERE ELSE in my life am I doing this? Where else in my life do I think I might be “satisfied” with how things are, but in reality, I’m actually just resistant to feeling some discomfort or feeling afraid to expand?

My life coach says, “Discomfort is the currency of growth.” And isn’t that TRUE? There is no growth without discomfort.

Ultimately, we get to decide if we’re satisfied or afraid. May we discern accurately.

Your turn: Where in your life might you think you’re “satisfied” but in actuality, you might be afraid to stretch yourself to be more, do more, or have more?

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How your stories hurt you

August 15, 2024 ~ The Healing Modalities ~ Leave a comment

Change them instead.

Do you know that facts don’t hurt?

The circumstances of our lives have no effect on us until they encounter our mind – meaning, until we interpret them – and we attach meaning to them. We aren’t sad about someone dying until our mind registers the fact. The person’s death, which may have happened days ago, has no effect on us at all. It could be that at the same moment they died, we were laughing at a joke because our mind wasn’t aware of what just happened.

In this situation, we can separate out the facts from the thoughts. It’s less accurate to say, “I was devastated when they died.” It’s more accurate to say, “I was devastated by what I thought about their death.” And yes, these semantics matter.

When we realize that our mind causes our feelings, we can be much more in control of our emotional lives. It doesn’t mean that we won’t choose to be sad when someone dies – we most likely will be. But it does mean we can decide not to be mad when something much less significant happens in our lives.

We manage our emotional lives with our thinking.

If we say, “Work stresses me out,” it’s our thoughts about work that stress us out. Although we might not be able to change our job at this very moment, we can certainly change the way we think about your job. And that will change everything.

We create our lives mostly with our minds. We often believe our stories so deeply that we think they’re facts when they’re not. This is fine – so long as the story isn’t painful or causing problems in our lives. But many of our stories are painful, even debilitating. Our stories can hurt us.

Here’s an example of a story from someone who’s furious with her sister-in-law:

“My sister-in-law doesn’t respect or love me. She wants me to be fat because she makes certain foods for dinner when she knows I’m working to lose weight. It’s like I don’t even want to be around her because of the awful things she does. Just this weekend, we went to her home for a visit, and she was so backhanded, so conniving by making spaghetti for dinner. I know my husband (this is his sister) doesn’t even care. He doesn’t back me up when I feel this way, and he refuses when I suggest we should confront her and stop visiting her. I think I’m going to have to give him an ultimatum. It’s either her or me. He’s a grown man, and he needs to make this decision.”

In the end, these are some of the facts:

• She has a sister-in-law.

• She went to her home last weekend.

• The sister-in-law made spaghetti.

• Everything else was a story. A painful, stressful story.

This person’s sister-in-law made spaghetti, which she interpreted as conniving and

an attempt to sabotage her weight loss. Could the spaghetti perhaps have meant something else to her sister-in-law? Were there any other ways to interpret the facts that might feel better to her?

She could acknowledge that maybe her sister-in-law made spaghetti because her brother loves spaghetti, she’s Italian, and it’s one of her specialties. So either her original story or the latter one could be true. Which story served her better? Which story served the relationship better?

Even more, she can consider how it felt to leave the facts alone and not insert a meaning or a story about those facts. “My sister-in-law made spaghetti.” Without a story, this fact doesn’t hurt.

Facts never do hurt. Whenever we realize we’re creating a painful story, we can separate out the facts. Then we get to create our pain or our peace (or happiness) by how we choose to interpret the facts.

Your Turn: What stories have you been making up about situations, people, things, events? How do these stories leave you feeling? What are the facts? How do the facts leave you feeling? What happens if you tell the story of how this is happening FOR you instead of TO you?

I talk more about this topic of facts vs. stories in my most recent podcast episode for Get Out of Your Own Way. Listen to Episode 10: “Your Stories Are Getting in Your Way” here: Apple Podcasts, Spotify, YouTube

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