Where does the past live?

March 27, 2025 ~ The Healing Modalities ~ Leave a comment

In our mind, only.

The first time I heard that forgiveness is “giving up the hope that the past could have been any different,” it resonated with me deeply. Something just made sense about that.

Oprah Winfrey expands on this by saying in the book What Happened to You?, “Forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could have been any different, but we cannot move forward if we’re still holding onto the pain of that past and wishing it was something else.”

How often do we replay painful moments in our minds, wishing they had gone differently? We hold onto the past as if clinging to it will somehow change it. But the past isn’t something that exists outside of us—it only lives in our minds, in the thoughts we continue to revisit, in the stories we tell ourselves about the past.

It’s not the past itself that creates our pain. It’s the way we THINK about it.

Every time we recall a painful memory, we relive it in the present. Our body might tense up. Our emotions associated with that story rise. The hurt resurfaces as if it’s happening all over again. But it isn’t. The only thing happening is that we’re thinking about what happened. And those thoughts and the painful story are creating our suffering.

This isn’t about denying what happened. It’s about recognizing that right now, in this moment, we have a choice. We can keep carrying the weight of an unchangeable past and the story we have about it, or we can release it. We can stop arguing with what was and begin giving ourselves the care, love, and peace we want now. This is an option that’s available to us.

Forgiveness isn’t about excusing what happened. It’s about freeing ourselves from the pain of our stories about the past.

Your turn:
What painful story have you been holding onto? How does thinking about it make you feel? What if you chose to loosen your grip—just a little? What might open up for you if you allowed yourself to move forward or tell the story of the past in a different way?

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Work with me: Want to see how self-care is transformative and can help you create the results you want in your life? I can show you how. I offer first-time seekers a complimentary 45-minute exploratory session. Sign up here.

What’s on your mind? It can be powerful to learn from each other and our common struggles when it comes to our practice of self-care–or just being a human being. If you have something you’re struggling with and would like some perspective, share it here. Your issue may be chosen and addressed in the next post–it’ll be totally anonymous.

No more people-pleasing

March 13, 2025 ~ The Healing Modalities ~ Leave a comment

Now what?

When we begin the work of letting go of people-pleasing, it can feel like everything is shifting.

For so long, acceptance and connection may have looked like being agreeable, accommodating, pleasant, helpful, easy to get along with. We may have shaped ourselves around what others needed or expected. We became the supportive friend, the reliable colleague, the one who didn’t rock the boat.

And underneath all of that was the quiet hope: If I can be who they want me to be, then I’ll be accepted. Then I’ll belong. Then I’ll be loved.

But people-pleasing is not the same as genuine acceptance or connection. It’s performance masquerading as intimacy. It’s self-abandonment in the name of belonging. And at some point, we realize that the cost is too high.

We realize that we’ve been offering curated versions of ourselves in exchange for “acceptance” or “connection.” But “acceptance” by others of curated versions of ourselves – is that really the acceptance or true connection we want?

So what do acceptance and connection look like now, in this next phase, post-people-pleasing?

It looks like showing up as your full self, not just the “palatable” parts.
It looks like being honest about your needs, your limits, your preferences.
It looks like saying “no” without over-explaining or justifying.
It looks like letting go of the idea that you have to manage other people’s emotions in order to feel safe in relationship.

And yes—this might feel strange and uncomfortable at first. We might worry that we’re being selfish, or “too much,” or not “nice enough.” That’s normal. We’re unlearning patterns that were reinforced for a long time.

But as we keep choosing honesty over false harmony, self-respect over self-sacrifice, we’ll notice something: our relationships begin to shift. Some will fall away. Some will deepen. And new ones will emerge—ones rooted in mutual authenticity, not some performance.

True connection doesn’t require us to stay small. It invites us to expand. It welcomes all of who we are.

Your turn:

In what ways have you curated yourself to maintain acceptance or connection?
What does authentic acceptance and connection feel like to you now?
What are you willing to let go of in order to experience more aligned relationships?

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Is it a problem?

February 13, 2025 ~ The Healing Modalities ~ Leave a comment

It doesn’t have to be.

Our brains are wired to spot danger—it’s how we’ve survived for thousands of years. But sometimes, that instinct works too well. We turn neutral situations into problems, even when no real threat exists.

Something only becomes a problem when we decide it is.

And once we do? We start overanalyzing, “fixing,” and stressing—making it feel even more like a problem.

Take trouble sleeping. Is it actually a problem? Not until we tell ourselves it is. We lie there thinking:
🛑 Ugh, I have to wake up early.
🛑 If I don’t fall asleep soon, tomorrow will be ruined.
🛑 Why does this always happen to me?

That frustration creates tension, making sleep even harder. But what if we thought:
💭 I’ll fall asleep when I do. My body will get what it needs.

Less stress. Less pressure. More ease.

We can ask this same question in so many areas of life:

What if feeling sad about this outcome isn’t a problem?
What if waking up in the middle of the night isn’t a problem?
What if what that person said isn’t a problem?
What if the number on the scale isn’t a problem?
What if missing him isn’t a problem?
What if her anxiety isn’t a problem?

This isn’t to say that nothing should be a problem. This is to remind us that HOW we are thinking about something can make it seem like a problem. WE are creating the problem with our THINKING.

We can remember that all of our thoughts are choices. And we can choose our thoughts on purpose.

When we stop labeling things as “problems,” we create space for acceptance. And paradoxically, that’s what makes real change possible.

Because if the number on the scale isn’t a problem, maybe we’d actually make healthier choices from a place of self-care instead of self-criticism.
If waking up at night isn’t a problem, maybe we’d relax enough to fall back asleep.
If missing him isn’t a problem, we’d allow the feeling without letting it hold us back.

So, what if it’s not a problem? What if there’s nothing to fix?

Your turn: What have you been making a problem? What if it’s not? What would you think instead? What would you do instead?

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Being angry is easier?

January 16, 2025 ~ The Healing Modalities ~ Leave a comment

Anger vs. Grief.

Something that’s come up recently with my clients is the topic of grief and the feeling of anger that can be associated with grief.

Have you noticed that anger can seem “easier” to feel than grief? When this happens, we’re actually distracting ourselves from feeling grief by feeling angry about the situation instead.

I’ve felt this in my own life, especially when going through the loss of a relationship. Rather than facing the sadness of losing someone I cared about, I’d find myself focusing on how they wronged me, how unfair the situation was, how it wasn’t supposed to be like this. Anger gave me something to focus on and a sense of control, like I could’ve done something to prevent the outcome, while grief felt overwhelming and out of control.

But here’s the thing: anger and grief are very connected. When we choose to feel anger, it’s often shielding us from the vulnerability of feeling grief. Anger can be like a protective layer over our sadness, pain, and loss. It can be an easier emotion to lean into, but when we stop there, we miss the deeper healing that comes from acknowledging and processing our grief.

Grief allows us to honor what was lost—whether it’s a person, a relationship, or an unmet hope. When we make space for grief, we open ourselves to healing. It doesn’t mean we’re excusing the hurt or pretending it didn’t matter; it means we’re courageous enough to feel it all. And also courageous enough to then do the work of finding acceptance and moving forward, no matter how long that might take. Feelings don’t have a timeframe–even though we may want them to. They will be there as long as they’ll be there, to allow us to experience what we need to learn and take away from it.

Your turn: When have you turned to anger instead of allowing yourself to grieve? What might happen if you allowed space for both emotions? And how can you show compassion to yourself during this process?

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Do you seek your own approval?

October 3, 2024 ~ The Healing Modalities ~ Leave a comment

It’s the best.

Most of us aren’t taught to believe that we’re already worthy. What we are taught is to believe that we have to perform, achieve, and accomplish in order to feel worthy and valuable. That we have to please everyone and get everyone to like us to feel worthy and valuable.

We were not taught that our own self-approval, self-acceptance, and our thoughts about ourselves are more important than what other people think about us or even what we think other people think about us.

Much of the time, we do things because of what we think other people will think about us.

It’s exhausting, isn’t it?

We’ve been conditioned to do this. But we can’t control what other people think. Not if we do “good” things or if we do “bad” things. They will think whatever they want about us and that’s based on them and not us.

Because everyone has their own interpretations based on their past and lived experiences, their identities, their conditioning, their beliefs and values, their current thoughts, and many other factors.

So if we can’t control what other people think about us, it’s true that we may lose their approval – or gain it – independent of what we actually DO.

But do you know whose approval we can always have? Our own.

We build our self-approval through our thoughts about ourselves. Not through what we do for our work or job, what we do or don’t do for others, or what we do well or don’t do well.

We build our self-approval through our relationship with ourselves. Our relationship with ourselves is built on what we think about ourselves.

What kind of thoughts do we have about ourselves? What do we think when we look in the mirror? What do we think when we make a mistake? What do we think when something goes the way we wanted it to go? When it doesn’t go the way we want it to go? What do we make it all mean about ourselves? These are all thoughts about ourselves.

Once we become aware of our current thoughts about ourselves, we can see whether they’re in alignment with how we want to feel about ourselves. Are we being kind and supportive to ourselves? What do we enjoy about ourselves?

And this doesn’t mean we don’t accept feedback from others – in fact, having our own approval and having our own back helps to OPEN US UP to others’ feedback. Because we don’t take it personally. We don’t let it damage our self-esteem or destroy our self-worth. Because we’re not seeking our esteem or worth from outside ourselves.

We can hear feedback and take it in and decide if we’d like to make adjustments based on what we hear. We can choose to adjust or we can choose not to. But it’s not in order to please others. It’s based on how WE want to show up in the world differently or not.

Your turn: What does it feel like to seek your own approval without worrying about the approval of others? What does it feel like to have your own back no matter what? How much time and energy might you save if you seek your own approval vs. seeking others’ approval? How would your decisions be different?

I talk more about this concept in my latest podcast episode, out today at 3:30pm Pacific! Episode 13: Unconditional Love & Lovability. You can check it out here: Apple Podcasts, Spotify, YouTube.

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When you “don’t got” this

September 12, 2024 ~ The Healing Modalities ~ Leave a comment

That’s OK.

How many of us have said to others or have had it said to us, “You got this!”? Or how many times have we said to ourselves, “I got this!”?

Sometimes that phrase can be an energizing, motivating way to support someone else or ourselves. Sometimes we need to hear it to get a nudge of confidence or determination to do something hard.

And sometimes, the most supportive thing we can tell ourselves is the truth, “I DON’T got this.”

It might be a hard truth to hear for some of us who are used to figuring it out no matter what or pushing through it all the time.

But try it out. Let it sink in. “I don’t got this.”

How does it feel to say that? Maybe to admit that?

Maybe it doesn’t feel realistic because it’s not really true right now. Maybe it doesn’t feel supportive. Maybe it feels icky. Why?

Or maybe it feels like relief. Maybe it feels like a revelation. Maybe it feels responsible.

When we can allow ourselves to think or say, “I don’t got this,” we are allowing ourselves to tell the truth in some aspect of our lives that might feel daunting or overwhelming. Sometimes our lives can feel that way because we are human beings living in a world that we mostly can’t control.

If we can admit to ourselves, “I don’t got this,” a helpful next thing to ask is, “What do I need?”

Our brains like to find answers, so asking “What do I need?” gives our brain a job to do. The answer might be:

“Let it be for now” or
“I think I need to talk to someone” or
“I think I need to ask John for help” or
“I think I need to ask Susie for help too” or
“I think I need to slow down” or
“I think I need to cry it out”

Or whatever the answer might be, listen and allow.

It doesn’t mean we give up and we’ll never “got this” again. It means right now, we need some extra support – either from ourselves or from others who we trust to help or support us in a way that works for all involved.

Your turn: Where in your life do you “don’t got” this right now? Are you willing to admit that to yourself and have it be OK for now? Are you open to seeing what you need to move forward? How would you like to support yourself in this?

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When you hide yourself

July 11, 2024 ~ The Healing Modalities ~ Leave a comment

Accept yourself instead.

In the past, I wanted to portray myself in a way where others would think I had it all together and knew what I was doing. That I had everything I wanted. That I was “fine” and living a “fine” life the way I wanted to.

But I was hiding. I wasn’t allowing myself to be open and vulnerable. To be real and tell the truth. Why?

Patriarchal concepts, especially within my private equity job at the time, played into my perception of myself. I used to armor myself, metaphorically, to put forward a competent, self-sufficient, capable version of myself who wasn’t emotional or sensitive. Who was there and could do the job no matter what, pick up the pieces for others – even at the expense of myself sometimes.

I didn’t give myself space to be authentic, partly because I didn’t know what that even meant for me. Who was I? What did I want? What brought me joy? I didn’t know the answers to those questions internally – I based what I wanted on external, societal, patriarchal values of what I “should” want or have for myself as a “successful” person.

I didn’t allow myself to be known because there were parts of myself that seemed unacceptable to me, because I thought they were weak. And I didn’t want other people to know about those weak parts.

It wasn’t until I started therapy after going through emergency open-heart surgery that I had a chance to look more closely at how I was living my life, by questioning beliefs I held that weren’t actually serving me, to redefine what success looked like and meant for me, to understand why I had armored and hid myself.

Through therapy, coaching, and deep self-care practices, I learned how to accept more parts of me, to start telling myself the truth about what I needed and wanted, about who I am.

I learned how I can share myself with others in a more authentic way, to hold space for myself and for them to show up in real ways, not in people-pleasing ways.

I continue on this journey and I get to learn even more about myself and others along the way. I’m passionate about sharing how self-care can shift us to a place of self-acceptance and eventually to self-love.

Your turn: What parts of yourself have you been hiding and why? How would your life be different if you learned to accept those parts of yourself? How might practicing powerful self-care help you show up differently in the world, for yourself and for others?

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In a hurry to change?

June 6, 2024 ~ The Healing Modalities ~ Leave a comment

What are you resisting?

Sometimes we feel a sense of urgency to make a change in our lives. We think by making the change, we’ll feel better and we want to feel better NOW. This is what happens when we think our circumstances create our feelings.

There’s nothing wrong with changing our circumstances if we can easily do that. But we usually bring our emotional state into the new circumstances as well, if we don’t spend time managing our mindset first.

For example, a client of mine recently started dating again after being off the dating apps for over 10 months. The last time she was on them, she met someone she really liked. It was long-distance, however, and the other person ended things after two months because long-distance was too hard. They didn’t have a “want match” in that aspect. And that breakup was very hard for her because she enjoyed the other person so much.

During one of our coaching sessions together, she realized she felt a sense of urgency to meet and start dating someone new because of two things: 1) she had a belief, “If it doesn’t happen quickly, it will never happen,” and 2) she was trying to escape the feeling of hurt and sadness she still felt about the relationship ending, even after time had passed – she wasn’t over that person yet.

In her effort to escape (resist) the feelings of hurt and sadness, she wanted to change her circumstance by meeting someone new so she would no longer feel hurt and sad. Along with recognizing that, it was also important for her to see the limiting belief she held.

So this is what we did. We pulled out the limiting belief, “If it doesn’t happen quickly, it will never happen” and looked at why that wasn’t true. Since she is being more intentional with who and what she wants, maybe it’s happening FOR her that it’s taking some time before she meets someone she really likes. In the past, things had happened somewhat quickly where she met someone she really liked, but ultimately, the relationship didn’t end up being what she wanted – the “want matches” weren’t there.

I asked, “So how might taking ‘longer’ this time be happening FOR you?” She came up with:

– “I get to clarify even more who I want to be with and who I want to BE in the relationship.”
– “Even when it feels hard – discouraging, disappointing, rejecting – I remind myself why this is important to me and I keep showing up for myself instead of wanting to give up.”
– “I get to show myself love and compassion through this, which strengthens my relationship with myself.”

There are probably even more things she could find.

The other thing we pulled out was the resistance to her feelings. When she became aware that she was resisting and trying to escape those feelings of hurt and sadness, she began to allow them to be there.

She noticed that by allowing those feelings, the sense of urgency decreased. Because now there was less to resist or escape. She could be accepting of where she is emotionally and see that the feelings could be there and not overwhelm her. She could have compassion for herself about why she feels hurt and sad.

She now feels more comfortable with taking her time during this process of dating and meeting people, being intentional and patient. She recognizes that even in this, she is learning and growing.

Your turn: Where in your life do you feel a sense of urgency? Can you recognize if you have a limiting belief in that area? What is the belief? Can you recognize if you’re resisting emotions in that area? What are the emotions? If you find that you feel a sense of urgency, what does having compassion for yourself look like? How might this “taking longer” or “taking too long” be happening FOR you?

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When you think “I’m a bad person”

February 8, 2024 ~ The Healing Modalities ~ Leave a comment

You’re 50/50.

The other day I felt guilty about doing something unhelpful for someone else. I could’ve helped out by making a task a little easier for someone I care about, but instead, I just sat there and let him do it all himself. I usually help out by moving the bedroom trash can closer to the door when he comes to gather the weekly trash to put outside.

But this time, I was working on something and just sat at my desk and let him walk into the room, over my bags on the floor, to the trash can, and empty it. I just didn’t feel like getting up myself to help with it. And afterwards, I felt guilty because I thought, “I should’ve just done it and helped him. I’m such a bad person.”

The truth is, just like our lives are 50/50, we are 50/50 people. We have various parts to us that make up our whole selves. We’re both good AND bad sometimes. We’re both helpful AND unhelpful sometimes. We’re both brave AND scared sometimes. We’re both strong AND weak sometimes. Maybe it’s more like 80/20 – and we get to acknowledge that the 20% is still part of us too. The 50/50 is a conglomeration of all those parts that act out in 50/50 ways.

I’ve been reading about our shadow sides in The Relationship Handbook. Our shadow sides are disowned parts of ourselves that we can actually learn and benefit from. “Our well-being depends on our being whole and having access to all of who we are.”

I still cringe a little for not helping out when I think, “Why didn’t I just get up and do it?” I feel a need to make up for it. But the truth is, last week I took out and brought in the bins because he was traveling and wasn’t here to do it and I offered to. The truth is, every week if I’m in the bedroom, I get up and move my trash can closer to the door. This was ONE week when I didn’t do that and I’m beating myself up for it. Next week, I can choose differently. And this week, I can find another way to be helpful, if I want to, to make up for it if I still feel the need to.

We do this sometimes – or a lot – we let ONE thing dictate how we think about ourselves – usually in a bad way.

It’s important to be aware of the times when we act out of alignment from who we want to be. We can use that information to make different choices in the future. And it’s also important to see how we might have been choosing to take care of ourselves by NOT doing something we might usually do.

We can beat ourselves up about it, if we want to. Or we can remember that we are 50/50 people and we can choose differently next time. Even though I didn’t move my trash can closer to the door this time, I’m still a good person, I’m still a helpful person. And maybe this time, I was choosing to take care of myself because I was working on something important and wanted to keep my momentum going.

Your turn: Are you open to accepting yourself as a 50/50 person? In certain situations, can you see how you might be choosing to take care of YOU through your actions/inactions? What happens when you think, “I’m a bad person”? What happens when you think, “I’m choosing to take care of myself in this situation”?

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Allowing this to be

November 30, 2023 ~ The Healing Modalities ~ Leave a comment

Greetings, from my bed.

This week I’ve been at home and mostly in bed, due to a back injury. I tweaked my back on Sunday and it spasmed whenever I moved in a certain way. I didn’t like being in pain. I didn’t like that I had to cancel my plans and appointments and couldn’t work. I felt worried because I was thinking that it wouldn’t get better.

Then, like I practice with emotional pain, I practiced with this physical pain. I felt where it was in my body. I didn’t judge it or tell myself I shouldn’t feel it. I allowed the pain to be there. Instead of fighting against it and the reality of it.

What does fighting against reality look like? We fight against reality by thinking thoughts like:

“It shouldn’t be this way.”

“This shouldn’t be happening.”

“I shouldn’t have to experience this.”

“It” can be replaced with any of these: she, he, I, they, my weight, my life, etc.

“This” can stand in for whatever is happening that feels uncomfortable, undesirable, or unfair.

When we think these types of thoughts about something we have no control over or really can’t change, we’re resisting reality.

We’re spending emotional energy on it and wishing it were different. But if it’s something we can’t change, it’s not only pointless, but painful. And it doesn’t do anything to change what happened.

The opposite of resistance is acceptance. On the way from resistance to acceptance, there is non-resistance.

When we start to practice non-resistance, when we start to acknowledge that we may be fighting against something that we can’t change and just let it be what it is, there can be peace and ease and healing.

How do we know it was supposed to happen? Because it did.

That might be hard to swallow, but then there’s nothing to fight against. Then everything is going the way it’s supposed to go.

I know this is a big leap for many people. Many people feel resistant to even thinking of this as a possibility for themselves. To let go of how things “should” be or “should” have happened, and let things just be as they are.

Of course, we need to process the emotions we feel when something happens that we didn’t want to happen. The emotions of disappointment, frustration, sadness, anger, hurt, loss, or grief. And let it take as long as it takes to process them.

Just like it takes as long as it takes to heal part of our body. We can do it with care, kindness, and compassion for ourselves instead of fighting it – and fighting ourselves too.

When we can create more space for how things are, we surrender a little, we release some tension, we find some freedom.

Your turn: What have you been resisting recently? What would happen if you allowed it to be what it is, without needing it to be different? How can the question, “How is this happening FOR me?” create some space in your experience?

(This back pain was happening for me to practice being with pain and with myself in a compassionate way. It helped me see how I can take even better care of myself, to recognize sooner when I’m pushing myself too hard, and to work through my emotions more openly. It’s a continuous practice – all of it – and that’s OK!)

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