Do you seek your own approval?

October 3, 2024 ~ The Healing Modalities ~ Leave a comment

It’s the best.

Most of us aren’t taught to believe that we’re already worthy. What we are taught is to believe that we have to perform, achieve, and accomplish in order to feel worthy and valuable. That we have to please everyone and get everyone to like us to feel worthy and valuable.

We were not taught that our own self-approval, self-acceptance, and our thoughts about ourselves are more important than what other people think about us or even what we think other people think about us.

Much of the time, we do things because of what we think other people will think about us.

It’s exhausting, isn’t it?

We’ve been conditioned to do this. But we can’t control what other people think. Not if we do “good” things or if we do “bad” things. They will think whatever they want about us and that’s based on them and not us.

Because everyone has their own interpretations based on their past and lived experiences, their identities, their conditioning, their beliefs and values, their current thoughts, and many other factors.

So if we can’t control what other people think about us, it’s true that we may lose their approval – or gain it – independent of what we actually DO.

But do you know whose approval we can always have? Our own.

We build our self-approval through our thoughts about ourselves. Not through what we do for our work or job, what we do or don’t do for others, or what we do well or don’t do well.

We build our self-approval through our relationship with ourselves. Our relationship with ourselves is built on what we think about ourselves.

What kind of thoughts do we have about ourselves? What do we think when we look in the mirror? What do we think when we make a mistake? What do we think when something goes the way we wanted it to go? When it doesn’t go the way we want it to go? What do we make it all mean about ourselves? These are all thoughts about ourselves.

Once we become aware of our current thoughts about ourselves, we can see whether they’re in alignment with how we want to feel about ourselves. Are we being kind and supportive to ourselves? What do we enjoy about ourselves?

And this doesn’t mean we don’t accept feedback from others – in fact, having our own approval and having our own back helps to OPEN US UP to others’ feedback. Because we don’t take it personally. We don’t let it damage our self-esteem or destroy our self-worth. Because we’re not seeking our esteem or worth from outside ourselves.

We can hear feedback and take it in and decide if we’d like to make adjustments based on what we hear. We can choose to adjust or we can choose not to. But it’s not in order to please others. It’s based on how WE want to show up in the world differently or not.

Your turn: What does it feel like to seek your own approval without worrying about the approval of others? What does it feel like to have your own back no matter what? How much time and energy might you save if you seek your own approval vs. seeking others’ approval? How would your decisions be different?

I talk more about this concept in my latest podcast episode, out today at 3:30pm Pacific! Episode 13: Unconditional Love & Lovability. You can check it out here: Apple Podcasts, Spotify, YouTube.

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Work with me: Want to see how self-care is transformative and can help you create the results you want in your life? I can show you how. I offer first-time seekers a complimentary 45-minute exploratory session. Sign up here.

What’s on your mind? It can be powerful to learn from each other and our common struggles when it comes to our practice of self-care–or just being a human being. If you have something you’re struggling with and would like some perspective, share it here. Your issue may be chosen and addressed in the next post–it’ll be totally anonymous.

Dropping your relationship manuals

September 26, 2024 ~ The Healing Modalities ~ Leave a comment

Your power is with you. Part 2.

Last week we looked at the manuals we have for others and why we have them.

We create manuals, or sets of instructions, for the people in our life about how they’re supposed to behave, so we can feel good.

We then base how we feel about others on whether they follow our manuals or not. We also make it mean they care or don’t care about us based on our manuals for them.

When we place the responsibility of feeling good on other people, we give all our power away to those people.

In reality, each of us is responsible for meeting our own needs. When we’re in a relationship where we feel responsible for fulfilling someone else’s needs and they feel responsible for fulfilling ours, there’s constant manipulation and effort to control one another so that in the end, nobody wins. There’s only resentment, anger, frustration, exasperation, and a sense of defeat.

We can’t control another person, and there’s nothing they could possibly do that would make us as happy as we want to be. All of the power to feel happy and good lies within us.

So dropping our relationship manuals is about deciding who we want to be and taking all of our power back so that we can show up in ways we like and feel good about ourselves. Then we get to decide how we want to be or act from that place, in any circumstance.

This doesn’t mean we stay in relationships that are harmful or not serving us well. We need to do what’s necessary to protect ourselves and take care of ourselves. Although boundaries and requests are appropriate, trying to control and manipulate other people never works. Instead, it can make us feel and even act like a wild person (!).

Instead, we can become familiar with and practice these things:

Allow ourselves to feel all emotions. This means being willing to feel ALL the emotions, especially the emotions we’re trying to avoid by wanting someone to behave in a specific way.
Decide who we want to be. When we’re trying to control someone else, we’re usually not being versions of ourselves that we’re proud of.
Decide what we want the other person’s actions to mean. We don’t have to take it personally.

Here’s an example if I have the manual instruction: “My friend should always remember my birthday.”

If my friend forgets my birthday, I can allow myself to feel sad and disappointed about that. Those are uncomfortable feelings, but I allow myself to feel those feelings anyway.

Then I can decide who I want to be in the relationship. I can decide that I want to be an understanding friend and give my friend grace, even if he forgot my birthday. I can still want to be friends with him.

Then I can decide what I want my friend’s action to mean. I can decide to not take it personally and not make it mean anything about me. My friend’s action is about him. Maybe his life is very full and he didn’t do it on purpose. I can decide that he’s still a good friend even if he forgot my birthday.

When we want someone to be DIFFERENT than they are, then we’re wanting a version of them that doesn’t exist. We want a version of them that we think is SUPPOSED TO exist. But that version only exists in our mind. And that’s what’s creating our problem – because who we’re looking at doesn’t match who we THINK they should be.

What if we allow them to be who they ARE and just appreciate them for that? If we can’t do that, we might consider: Why am I choosing to be in a relationship with this person?

We get to decide what we do with our time, how we respond, and when we want to make changes in our life. We can think about those changes and what we want based on what we DO have control over. Our power stays with us.

Your turn: Do you recognize why you have manual instructions for other people? What feelings are you trying to avoid feeling by having these manual instructions? What would happen if you allowed yourself to be open to feeling all the emotions? How might your relationships be different if you stopped trying to get someone to behave in a specific way so that you can feel good?

I talk more about manuals in my newest podcast episode, #12 “Your Manuals Are Getting in Your Way.” You can listen to it on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, YouTube and wherever you listen to podcasts!

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Do you have “manuals” for other people?

September 19, 2024 ~ The Healing Modalities ~ Leave a comment

Yes, you likely do, Part 1.

When we have assumptions or expectations about what people are supposed to do, we have “manuals” for them.

We want people to behave in ways that make us feel good and happy. We usually don’t tell the other people what’s in our manual for them. And we usually don’t even realize we have these manuals or see how they’re causing us pain.

We think that the other people should just “know” what to do and how to treat us. It can seem justified to have expectations of other people, but it can be damaging to us when our emotional happiness is directly tied to them behaving a certain way.

Many of us have manuals that come from the belief that we would be happier if someone in our lives would change. This can be a big cause of suffering because we’re handing over the power of how we feel to someone else.

Other people’s behavior has no impact on us emotionally until we think about it, interpret it, and choose to make it mean something.

No matter what people do, how they act, or what they say, we don’t have to give others the power to determine how we feel.

Some common manual instructions might look like this:

• He should text me back within an hour after I text him.

• She should listen to me for as long as I listened to her.

• He should spend less time at work.

• She should remember my birthday.

• He should know what I like.

• She should invite me when she has a party.

• He shouldn’t watch so much football.

• She should write me a thank you note.

• He should buy me something special on my birthday.

• She should support me.

• He should be emotionally available.

• She should ask me to be a bridesmaid, godmother, etc.

• He should tell me he loves me.

If there’s a “should” in there, it’s likely a manual instruction. These are simple and brief examples, but most manuals are pages and pages long. They’re complicated, detailed, and intricate.

Rather than sharing these expectations with the person they’re about, those of us with manuals generally think the other person should just inherently know. We then want to make it mean that when they do these certain things, we are really loved by this person. And if they don’t do what’s in our manuals, then what do we feel?

Does it make sense why manuals can create pain for us? So what are we supposed to do instead? More on this next week.

Your turn: If you’re open to the idea that you have manuals for other people, what are the instructions you have for them? Would you be open to sharing the instructions as requests for the other person? If not, are you willing to see how these instructions might be causing you pain? Can you become aware of when you’re experiencing met or unmet manual instructions for both yourself and for others?

I talk more about manuals in my newest podcast episode, “Your Manuals Are Getting in Your Way,” out today! You can listen to it on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, YouTube and wherever you listen to podcasts!

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When you “don’t got” this

September 12, 2024 ~ The Healing Modalities ~ Leave a comment

That’s OK.

How many of us have said to others or have had it said to us, “You got this!”? Or how many times have we said to ourselves, “I got this!”?

Sometimes that phrase can be an energizing, motivating way to support someone else or ourselves. Sometimes we need to hear it to get a nudge of confidence or determination to do something hard.

And sometimes, the most supportive thing we can tell ourselves is the truth, “I DON’T got this.”

It might be a hard truth to hear for some of us who are used to figuring it out no matter what or pushing through it all the time.

But try it out. Let it sink in. “I don’t got this.”

How does it feel to say that? Maybe to admit that?

Maybe it doesn’t feel realistic because it’s not really true right now. Maybe it doesn’t feel supportive. Maybe it feels icky. Why?

Or maybe it feels like relief. Maybe it feels like a revelation. Maybe it feels responsible.

When we can allow ourselves to think or say, “I don’t got this,” we are allowing ourselves to tell the truth in some aspect of our lives that might feel daunting or overwhelming. Sometimes our lives can feel that way because we are human beings living in a world that we mostly can’t control.

If we can admit to ourselves, “I don’t got this,” a helpful next thing to ask is, “What do I need?”

Our brains like to find answers, so asking “What do I need?” gives our brain a job to do. The answer might be:

“Let it be for now” or
“I think I need to talk to someone” or
“I think I need to ask John for help” or
“I think I need to ask Susie for help too” or
“I think I need to slow down” or
“I think I need to cry it out”

Or whatever the answer might be, listen and allow.

It doesn’t mean we give up and we’ll never “got this” again. It means right now, we need some extra support – either from ourselves or from others who we trust to help or support us in a way that works for all involved.

Your turn: Where in your life do you “don’t got” this right now? Are you willing to admit that to yourself and have it be OK for now? Are you open to seeing what you need to move forward? How would you like to support yourself in this?

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Wisdom from your Future Self

September 5, 2024 ~ The Healing Modalities ~ Leave a comment

Receive it.

Many of us are used to looking to our past to determine what our future could be.

We may think, “Well, I’ve only made $75,000 a year before, so I’m not sure if I’ll be able to make more than that” or “I’ve never lost 30 pounds before, so I don’t know if I can do it” or just “I haven’t done that before, so I probably can’t do it.”

When we really look at those thoughts, it’s almost silly that we’d think them. Just because we haven’t done something before doesn’t mean that we won’t be able to do it. That’s just an easy excuse, a way to shut out possibility.

If we’re basing what’s possible on our past, then yes, we will only be able to see what’s possible based on what we’ve already done.

But if we want to go beyond what we’ve done before, we need to look to our future and keep our focus there.

But what gets in the way now of achieving seemingly impossible goals?

We may be able to make a list of “things” that get in the way, but really, it’s mostly just our thoughts. Which create feelings. Like fear, doubt, defeat. Ahead of time.

Remember, thoughts create our feelings, feelings drive our actions, and our actions (or inactions) produce the results we get.

So let’s think thoughts that create the feelings: determined, focused, excited, committed.

Our Future Self believes in what’s possible.

Our Future Self knows that they can do it.

Our Future Self is living the dream – has made the money, lost the weight, stopped drinking, has the partner, feels good.

So instead of thinking thoughts that create obstacles towards our goals and the feeling of “defeated” ahead of time, we can choose thoughts that create momentum and the feeling of “determined.”

What does our Future Self who’s already achieved the goal think and feel? Let’s start thinking some of those thoughts. Let’s start feeling some of those feelings.

When we choose intentional thoughts on purpose about what’s possible for us, we get to feel the intentional feelings created by those thoughts. Then we get to be intentional with our actions and inactions. And ultimately, we can create the results we want.

Your turn: What do you want to create in your life and why? What would you get to believe and think about yourself when you achieve that goal? What would you get to feel when you achieve that goal? What if those thoughts and feelings are all available for you to believe and feel about yourself right now? Guess what? They are.

I talk more about this topic in today’s episode of Get Out of Your Own Way, Ep. 11: “What Your Future Self Knows.” Check it out here: Apple Podcasts, Spotify, YouTube.

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Are you worrying too much?

August 29, 2024 ~ The Healing Modalities ~ Leave a comment

It’s exhausting.

For most of us, worrying seems necessary. But what is it that we’re doing when we worry?

When we’re worrying, we’re making up a story about what could happen – usually the worst-case scenario – and then thinking as if it’s already happened.

What do we create for ourselves when we do that? We use a lot of mental and psychic energy focusing our minds on something that might happen and that will unlikely happen. And it’s exhausting.

When we think we’re protecting ourselves from a possible outcome that hasn’t happened yet, we’re hurting ourselves ahead of time. We’re already feeling all the emotions and thinking all the thoughts we might feel if this outcome happened. So we’re going through it as if it’s already happened, when it hasn’t yet or maybe never will.

Worrying is just a bunch of thoughts that we’re thinking. And likely the same thoughts repeating over and over again.

So what are the facts? A fact may be that an event is coming up on June 14th where you’re speaking in front of people. A fact may be that your son is going to a party with his friends this weekend. A fact may be that you’re traveling to Florida on June 25th. A fact may be that someone you care about hasn’t called you back for two days. A fact may be that you just got a mammogram done today and you’re waiting for results.

Everything else in your mind is just thoughts that you’re thinking about the facts.

We may think that worrying about something may “prepare” us for what could happen. But what if the worst-case scenario does happen? Will worrying about it make it any less devastating in the moment when it happens? No. Likely we will feel all the painful feelings that come up.

Worrying about it in advance only drains your energy ahead of time and doesn’t necessarily “prepare” or “protect” you from worst-case scenarios.

Your turn: What’s the upside of worrying? Instead of worrying, is it possible to keep your thoughts focused on the facts? What could happen instead if you keep your thoughts neutral or focused on the best possible outcome instead of the worst case?

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Satisfied or Afraid?

August 22, 2024 ~ The Healing Modalities ~ Leave a comment

May you discern accurately.

I was listening to one of my favorite podcasts the other day and the episode (an older one from 2023) featured Michelle Obama talking about her book The Light We Carry.

The hosts and Michelle were talking about her parents and how they were content and deeply satisfied people. However, the potential downside of being deeply satisfied with life sometimes is stuckness or rigidness – a fear of being more and doing more, outside our comfort zone.

I interpreted this as meaning that we need to be able to discern between being content and satisfied with our lives versus being afraid to do new things, or to have or be more than we already are.

This felt powerful and revealing to me because I’ve recently been considering certain things in my life. Travel, for instance. I traveled a lot when I was in my mid-20’s and 30’s, and now I recognize that I have less of a desire to travel.

Part of this is because I enjoy being HOME now and reveling in the home space I’ve created for myself. Another part of me knows that it takes a lot of energy and planning to travel too, which, when I think about it, already feels exhausting (!). And another part of me feels resistant to the discomfort of being away from home, in new places, without the familiarity of the things I’m usually surrounded by.

Of course, there’s also excitement and adventure in being around new places, people, and things. I’ll be on the east coast for two weeks soon, and I’m feeling the anticipation of that – having a change of scenery and exploring new places, doing things outside of my routine.

I’ll be traveling internationally later this year too, to places that I haven’t been before. Yes, it does take energy and planning. Yes, it may be tiring and uncomfortable. But it will also be fun and exciting to explore, eat, and experience new things.

Because, could I be satisfied if I never got to travel anywhere again and just got to be HOME, like I enjoy? Maybe. But what would I be missing? Would I be missing out on growth opportunities? Experiencing things I wouldn’t otherwise get to experience? Yes. All because of a little fear of being uncomfortable.

And it had me questioning, WHERE ELSE in my life am I doing this? Where else in my life do I think I might be “satisfied” with how things are, but in reality, I’m actually just resistant to feeling some discomfort or feeling afraid to expand?

My life coach says, “Discomfort is the currency of growth.” And isn’t that TRUE? There is no growth without discomfort.

Ultimately, we get to decide if we’re satisfied or afraid. May we discern accurately.

Your turn: Where in your life might you think you’re “satisfied” but in actuality, you might be afraid to stretch yourself to be more, do more, or have more?

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How your stories hurt you

August 15, 2024 ~ The Healing Modalities ~ Leave a comment

Change them instead.

Do you know that facts don’t hurt?

The circumstances of our lives have no effect on us until they encounter our mind – meaning, until we interpret them – and we attach meaning to them. We aren’t sad about someone dying until our mind registers the fact. The person’s death, which may have happened days ago, has no effect on us at all. It could be that at the same moment they died, we were laughing at a joke because our mind wasn’t aware of what just happened.

In this situation, we can separate out the facts from the thoughts. It’s less accurate to say, “I was devastated when they died.” It’s more accurate to say, “I was devastated by what I thought about their death.” And yes, these semantics matter.

When we realize that our mind causes our feelings, we can be much more in control of our emotional lives. It doesn’t mean that we won’t choose to be sad when someone dies – we most likely will be. But it does mean we can decide not to be mad when something much less significant happens in our lives.

We manage our emotional lives with our thinking.

If we say, “Work stresses me out,” it’s our thoughts about work that stress us out. Although we might not be able to change our job at this very moment, we can certainly change the way we think about your job. And that will change everything.

We create our lives mostly with our minds. We often believe our stories so deeply that we think they’re facts when they’re not. This is fine – so long as the story isn’t painful or causing problems in our lives. But many of our stories are painful, even debilitating. Our stories can hurt us.

Here’s an example of a story from someone who’s furious with her sister-in-law:

“My sister-in-law doesn’t respect or love me. She wants me to be fat because she makes certain foods for dinner when she knows I’m working to lose weight. It’s like I don’t even want to be around her because of the awful things she does. Just this weekend, we went to her home for a visit, and she was so backhanded, so conniving by making spaghetti for dinner. I know my husband (this is his sister) doesn’t even care. He doesn’t back me up when I feel this way, and he refuses when I suggest we should confront her and stop visiting her. I think I’m going to have to give him an ultimatum. It’s either her or me. He’s a grown man, and he needs to make this decision.”

In the end, these are some of the facts:

• She has a sister-in-law.

• She went to her home last weekend.

• The sister-in-law made spaghetti.

• Everything else was a story. A painful, stressful story.

This person’s sister-in-law made spaghetti, which she interpreted as conniving and

an attempt to sabotage her weight loss. Could the spaghetti perhaps have meant something else to her sister-in-law? Were there any other ways to interpret the facts that might feel better to her?

She could acknowledge that maybe her sister-in-law made spaghetti because her brother loves spaghetti, she’s Italian, and it’s one of her specialties. So either her original story or the latter one could be true. Which story served her better? Which story served the relationship better?

Even more, she can consider how it felt to leave the facts alone and not insert a meaning or a story about those facts. “My sister-in-law made spaghetti.” Without a story, this fact doesn’t hurt.

Facts never do hurt. Whenever we realize we’re creating a painful story, we can separate out the facts. Then we get to create our pain or our peace (or happiness) by how we choose to interpret the facts.

Your Turn: What stories have you been making up about situations, people, things, events? How do these stories leave you feeling? What are the facts? How do the facts leave you feeling? What happens if you tell the story of how this is happening FOR you instead of TO you?

I talk more about this topic of facts vs. stories in my most recent podcast episode for Get Out of Your Own Way. Listen to Episode 10: “Your Stories Are Getting in Your Way” here: Apple Podcasts, Spotify, YouTube

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Do you create problems?

August 8, 2024 ~ The Healing Modalities ~ Leave a comment

What if you don’t?

Because our human brains have evolved to help us survive, we are still very aware of things that pose potential threats. But sometimes we like to create problems when there really aren’t any. Do you relate to this?

Something only becomes a problem once we THINK it is one.

And when we make something a problem, we start thinking of all the ways to “fix” it—which is really only worrying about it and making it even more of a problem in our minds.

For example, if we’re having trouble falling asleep, is that a problem? Not until we think it is. We might feel frustrated that we can’t fall asleep. We might tell ourselves why it’s so important that we get the right amount of sleep. We create a “bad” story about our sleep, which creates anxiety ahead of time. This does not help us fall asleep faster.

Instead, we can also think, “I’ll fall asleep when I do and I’ll get the amount of sleep my body needs.” Less of a problem now.

We can practice asking ourselves, “What if it’s not a problem? What if there is no problem and nothing to fix?”

What if:

Feeling sad about this outcome isn’t a problem?
Waking up in the middle of the night isn’t a problem?
What that person said isn’t a problem?
The number on the scale isn’t a problem?
Missing him isn’t a problem?
Her anxiety isn’t a problem?

When something isn’t a problem, we often feel more acceptance around it. And paradoxically, when we accept something, we are more open and willing to take aligned actions for ourselves.

So if the number on the scale isn’t a problem, maybe we’d be more willing to make healthy choices. If waking up in the middle of the night isn’t a problem, maybe we’d be able to fall back asleep again. If missing him isn’t a problem, we can allow the feeling and still live our lives the way we want to.

So, “What if it’s not a problem? What if there is no problem and nothing to fix?”

Your turn: What have you been making a problem? What if it’s not a problem? What would you think about instead? What would you do instead?

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Being indecisive = safety?

August 1, 2024 ~ The Healing Modalities ~ Leave a comment

Just decide.

Have you ever needed to make a decision about something but you allowed yourself to be indecisive about it instead?

This could look like overanalyzing the pros and cons, asking other people for their opinion more than once, doing “more” research, switching back and forth between one decision and another, and procrastinating on taking action.

It can be worrying about whether it’s the “right” or “wrong” choice.

So we let ourselves stay in the mode of “I don’t know” or “I’m not sure.”

Our brains want to keep us safe and staying in “I don’t know” or “I’m not sure” is one way it does this.

When we keep telling ourselves “I don’t know” or “I need more information” or “How will I know this is the right choice?” we block ourselves from deciding, because deciding can be scary.

Deciding means we will have to take action.

Deciding means stepping into the unknown.

Deciding means we could potentially fail.

Deciding means possibly having a difficult conversation.

Deciding means we may have to take on more responsibility.

Deciding means we may be successful beyond our wildest dreams.

All of that can feel scary. And all of that will also help us grow if we’re willing to see our decision as an opportunity for growth. If we’re willing to learn what there is to learn from this choice, even if it ends up being the “wrong” choice.

Personally, I don’t believe in “wrong” choices—they’re just experiences to learn from. And we can always change our minds.

Also, a lot of our energy goes into being undecided. Our brains keep going over and over the options, the pros and cons, the potential outcomes, the worst-case scenarios, etc.-–sometimes for hours or days or weeks. For the same decision.

That’s a lot of brain space that could be used for more productive means. Like creating the life we want. But instead, we think and think without creating forward momentum from all that thinking.

One thing that is powerful when making decisions is to like our reasons. Are we making this decision because it’s the “easy” choice, where we don’t have to stretch or expand ourselves? Are we making this choice from a place of self-love or self-sabotage?

When we like our reasons for our decision, there is liberation in deciding.

We won’t know what will happen until we decide and take the next steps.

Your turn: Do you recognize when your brain is keeping you safe by being stuck in “I don’t know” or “I’m not sure”? Are you willing to just decide instead, to like your reasons for your decision, and to have your own back no matter what?

Will this choice move you toward an inspiring future or will it keep you stuck in the past? What’s the worst-case scenario if you make the decision you want to make? How will you be able to survive it?

I talk about this topic more in my podcast, out today at 3:30pm Pacific! Catch it here: Apple Podcasts, Spotify, YouTube.

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