Dropping your relationship manuals

September 26, 2024 ~ The Healing Modalities ~ Leave a comment

Your power is with you. Part 2.

Last week we looked at the manuals we have for others and why we have them.

We create manuals, or sets of instructions, for the people in our life about how they’re supposed to behave, so we can feel good.

We then base how we feel about others on whether they follow our manuals or not. We also make it mean they care or don’t care about us based on our manuals for them.

When we place the responsibility of feeling good on other people, we give all our power away to those people.

In reality, each of us is responsible for meeting our own needs. When we’re in a relationship where we feel responsible for fulfilling someone else’s needs and they feel responsible for fulfilling ours, there’s constant manipulation and effort to control one another so that in the end, nobody wins. There’s only resentment, anger, frustration, exasperation, and a sense of defeat.

We can’t control another person, and there’s nothing they could possibly do that would make us as happy as we want to be. All of the power to feel happy and good lies within us.

So dropping our relationship manuals is about deciding who we want to be and taking all of our power back so that we can show up in ways we like and feel good about ourselves. Then we get to decide how we want to be or act from that place, in any circumstance.

This doesn’t mean we stay in relationships that are harmful or not serving us well. We need to do what’s necessary to protect ourselves and take care of ourselves. Although boundaries and requests are appropriate, trying to control and manipulate other people never works. Instead, it can make us feel and even act like a wild person (!).

Instead, we can become familiar with and practice these things:

Allow ourselves to feel all emotions. This means being willing to feel ALL the emotions, especially the emotions we’re trying to avoid by wanting someone to behave in a specific way.
Decide who we want to be. When we’re trying to control someone else, we’re usually not being versions of ourselves that we’re proud of.
Decide what we want the other person’s actions to mean. We don’t have to take it personally.

Here’s an example if I have the manual instruction: “My friend should always remember my birthday.”

If my friend forgets my birthday, I can allow myself to feel sad and disappointed about that. Those are uncomfortable feelings, but I allow myself to feel those feelings anyway.

Then I can decide who I want to be in the relationship. I can decide that I want to be an understanding friend and give my friend grace, even if he forgot my birthday. I can still want to be friends with him.

Then I can decide what I want my friend’s action to mean. I can decide to not take it personally and not make it mean anything about me. My friend’s action is about him. Maybe his life is very full and he didn’t do it on purpose. I can decide that he’s still a good friend even if he forgot my birthday.

When we want someone to be DIFFERENT than they are, then we’re wanting a version of them that doesn’t exist. We want a version of them that we think is SUPPOSED TO exist. But that version only exists in our mind. And that’s what’s creating our problem – because who we’re looking at doesn’t match who we THINK they should be.

What if we allow them to be who they ARE and just appreciate them for that? If we can’t do that, we might consider: Why am I choosing to be in a relationship with this person?

We get to decide what we do with our time, how we respond, and when we want to make changes in our life. We can think about those changes and what we want based on what we DO have control over. Our power stays with us.

Your turn: Do you recognize why you have manual instructions for other people? What feelings are you trying to avoid feeling by having these manual instructions? What would happen if you allowed yourself to be open to feeling all the emotions? How might your relationships be different if you stopped trying to get someone to behave in a specific way so that you can feel good?

I talk more about manuals in my newest podcast episode, #12 “Your Manuals Are Getting in Your Way.” You can listen to it on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, YouTube and wherever you listen to podcasts!

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Work with me: Want to see how self-care is transformative and can help you create the results you want in your life? I can show you how. I offer first-time seekers a complimentary 45-minute exploratory session. Sign up here.

What’s on your mind? It can be powerful to learn from each other and our common struggles when it comes to our practice of self-care–or just being a human being. If you have something you’re struggling with and would like some perspective, share it here. Your issue may be chosen and addressed in the next post–it’ll be totally anonymous.

Do you have “manuals” for other people?

September 19, 2024 ~ The Healing Modalities ~ Leave a comment

Yes, you likely do, Part 1.

When we have assumptions or expectations about what people are supposed to do, we have “manuals” for them.

We want people to behave in ways that make us feel good and happy. We usually don’t tell the other people what’s in our manual for them. And we usually don’t even realize we have these manuals or see how they’re causing us pain.

We think that the other people should just “know” what to do and how to treat us. It can seem justified to have expectations of other people, but it can be damaging to us when our emotional happiness is directly tied to them behaving a certain way.

Many of us have manuals that come from the belief that we would be happier if someone in our lives would change. This can be a big cause of suffering because we’re handing over the power of how we feel to someone else.

Other people’s behavior has no impact on us emotionally until we think about it, interpret it, and choose to make it mean something.

No matter what people do, how they act, or what they say, we don’t have to give others the power to determine how we feel.

Some common manual instructions might look like this:

• He should text me back within an hour after I text him.

• She should listen to me for as long as I listened to her.

• He should spend less time at work.

• She should remember my birthday.

• He should know what I like.

• She should invite me when she has a party.

• He shouldn’t watch so much football.

• She should write me a thank you note.

• He should buy me something special on my birthday.

• She should support me.

• He should be emotionally available.

• She should ask me to be a bridesmaid, godmother, etc.

• He should tell me he loves me.

If there’s a “should” in there, it’s likely a manual instruction. These are simple and brief examples, but most manuals are pages and pages long. They’re complicated, detailed, and intricate.

Rather than sharing these expectations with the person they’re about, those of us with manuals generally think the other person should just inherently know. We then want to make it mean that when they do these certain things, we are really loved by this person. And if they don’t do what’s in our manuals, then what do we feel?

Does it make sense why manuals can create pain for us? So what are we supposed to do instead? More on this next week.

Your turn: If you’re open to the idea that you have manuals for other people, what are the instructions you have for them? Would you be open to sharing the instructions as requests for the other person? If not, are you willing to see how these instructions might be causing you pain? Can you become aware of when you’re experiencing met or unmet manual instructions for both yourself and for others?

I talk more about manuals in my newest podcast episode, “Your Manuals Are Getting in Your Way,” out today! You can listen to it on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, YouTube and wherever you listen to podcasts!

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Do for love

July 18, 2024 ~ The Healing Modalities ~ Leave a comment

Count the ways.

A couple months ago, I finished reading a book that’s been on my to-read list for several years. The way this usually happens for me is that I’ll have a book on my to-read list for a few years and then within days or weeks, multiple people from different spheres of my life mention to me that they’re reading it. So I take that as a sign to bump it up on my list and read it ASAP!

That’s what I did with this book, called You Can Heal Your Life by Louise Hay.

Louise shares her philosophies on life and ourselves, along with ailments that can happen to us related to our energetic engagement with life via our thoughts and beliefs – usually when they’re out of alignment with who we are.

She also shares some writing, speaking, and visualization exercises to engage with and inquire more deeply into our beliefs about ourselves. I’d like to share one of the exercises I did because it was powerful and empowering, along with the instructions below so you can do it as well, if you’d like.

Take a piece of paper and finish writing this sentence in as many ways as you can, at least 10 times, with 20 times being even more beneficial: “I love myself, therefore I . . .”

I love myself, therefore I allow myself to go to bed when I feel tired.

I love myself, therefore I stay hydrated during the day.

I love myself, therefore I regularly do things that bring me joy.

I love myself, therefore I listen to my body.

I love myself, therefore I get a massage every three weeks.

I love myself, therefore I do what I say I’m going to do – my words and actions match.

I love myself, therefore I eat healthy, well-proportioned meals.

I love myself, therefore I move my body daily in ways that feel good to me.

I love myself, therefore I nurture relationships that are important to me.

I love myself, therefore I tell myself the truth about myself and my life.

I love myself, therefore I keep commitments to myself.

I love myself, therefore I trust myself.

I love myself, therefore I spend time with friends that love and support me.

I love myself, therefore I share myself openly with others.

I love myself, therefore I know when to let go of something that doesn’t serve me, even if it’s very hard to do.

I love myself, therefore I keep going even when it feels easier to give up.

I love myself, therefore I don’t conflate anyone’s words or actions towards me with my worthiness or value.

I love myself, therefore I allow myself to disappoint others before disappointing myself.

I love myself, therefore I choose to do (the right) hard things.

I love myself, therefore I no longer abandon myself through unhealthy choices.

I love myself, therefore I tell myself so (that I love myself) multiple times a day.

The start to a well-known poem comes to mind: “How do I love thee? Let me count the ways. . .” – Elizabeth Barrett Browning

Your turn: Are you open to trying this exercise for yourself? Take a piece of paper and finish writing this sentence in as many ways as you can, at least 10 times, with 20 times being even more beneficial: “I love myself, therefore I . . .”

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Small Luxuries: Lessons in Joy from Auntie Myrna

June 20, 2024 ~ The Healing Modalities ~ Leave a comment

I think one of the ways people leave an impact on each other is by what they teach each other, directly or indirectly.

For the past 7 years, I was a part-time home care provider for my elderly aunt, Myrna. I initially went over to her house three times a week to help with cooking, laundry, grocery shopping during the pandemic (and during her home hospice care), cleaning, including weekly things like vacuuming, dusting, cleaning the bathrooms, and miscellaneous things like removing spots from the carpet, vacuuming her car (including the trunk sometimes!), cleaning the induction stove, and wiping down the kitchen drawers and cabinets.

During her 8-month home hospice care, I was there four days a week to support her. She passed away on May 2, 2024 with her daughter by her side.

During the 7 years of supporting her, I learned through observation three little things from her, which I’d like to share with you today.

1. High standards of cleanliness
2. Not people-pleasing, but rather, telling the truth
3. Small luxuries

High standards of cleanliness

When I lived by myself in NYC, it was the first time I lived on my own without housemates. I only cleaned when I knew I was having guests over. After supporting Auntie Myrna with her various cleaning requests, I started to incorporate some of her standards into my own life. Now that I have my own place again, I clean it every other Sunday by dusting, vacuuming, and cleaning the kitchen and bathroom areas. It’s not weekly, like she would have, but for me it’s enough – and more than I used to do.

So now if people come over, my place is naturally clean, without me having to scramble to do a deep clean at the last minute. I’ve deemed this as a way to take care of myself, not just as another chore to do. I feel good navigating a clean space and I understand why that was important to Auntie Myrna too. There’s a sense of care, pride, self-respect, and well-being when your space is the way you want it to be.

Not people-pleasing, but rather, telling the truth

I think as women, many of us feel challenged with telling the truth. Instead, we sugar coat things or people-please. In my life coaching practice, I call people-pleasing LYING. Because when we’re people-pleasing, we’re usually lying to ourselves and others about what we SAY we want to do. We might say “yes” to something or someone when we really want to say “no”.

I noticed that Auntie Myrna had NO big qualms about telling the truth and not people-pleasing. And sometimes this could feel challenging, but she could also be relied upon for a straightforward.

As an example, sometimes when I went over to her place, she’d greet me with, “You look pale today.” Initially, I would feel a twinge of criticism, but then I would think to myself, “DO I look pale today? I wonder why?” And then I’d check in with myself and how I was feeling, as it might have been a sign that I could be taking better care of myself that day. I know her intention was to show care and concern about my health through that observation, by not keeping it to herself but speaking it out loud, and I felt seen. I also noticed that with her friends and other relatives, she was similarly forthright.

Small luxuries

Sometimes when I went over to her house, I’d see an empty milkshake cup or other empty treat container in the sink. I knew that day, Auntie Myrna had gone somewhere and treated herself to something sweet – and maybe a little decadent. She was lucky that she didn’t have to worry about her diet and what she ate those last few years. She let herself enjoy those types of treats, along with root beers, ginger beers, other fizzy drinks, a variety of fruit juices that she’d cycle through, and various ice cream flavors. She never went overboard – I think she knew “everything in moderation” but it was nice to see someone treating themselves to something.

So often in my life coaching practice, women don’t know how to give to themselves because they’re always giving to and doing for others and they forget themselves. Or if they remember to give to themselves, it comes with a feeling of guilt, like they’re doing something wrong or undeserved. But when we’re doing something in joy, there IS no room for guilt. Auntie Myrna didn’t forget herself in this respect – she knew when to allow a small luxury for herself. And it’s always refreshing for me to see women of a certain generation doing this for themselves. I hope more women at any age would.

One of the questions that I learned early on in my holistic life coaching certification program was to ask, “What brings me joy?” At first, and similar to other women that I’ve talked to, I didn’t know how to answer that question because I was too busy focusing on doing things for others, like many women are. Over time, I learned to answer that question for myself; the answers to that question became ways to show myself care. So seeing that Auntie Myrna also knew how to answer that question, “What brings me joy?” helped me reinforce that for myself.

I can see that Auntie Myrna did certain things because they brought her joy, not necessarily to contribute to someone else, but purely for herself. And sometimes, that’s what we need most – something only for ourselves.

So thank you, Auntie Myrna, for these little lessons, and thank you for your life.

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In a hurry to change?

June 6, 2024 ~ The Healing Modalities ~ Leave a comment

What are you resisting?

Sometimes we feel a sense of urgency to make a change in our lives. We think by making the change, we’ll feel better and we want to feel better NOW. This is what happens when we think our circumstances create our feelings.

There’s nothing wrong with changing our circumstances if we can easily do that. But we usually bring our emotional state into the new circumstances as well, if we don’t spend time managing our mindset first.

For example, a client of mine recently started dating again after being off the dating apps for over 10 months. The last time she was on them, she met someone she really liked. It was long-distance, however, and the other person ended things after two months because long-distance was too hard. They didn’t have a “want match” in that aspect. And that breakup was very hard for her because she enjoyed the other person so much.

During one of our coaching sessions together, she realized she felt a sense of urgency to meet and start dating someone new because of two things: 1) she had a belief, “If it doesn’t happen quickly, it will never happen,” and 2) she was trying to escape the feeling of hurt and sadness she still felt about the relationship ending, even after time had passed – she wasn’t over that person yet.

In her effort to escape (resist) the feelings of hurt and sadness, she wanted to change her circumstance by meeting someone new so she would no longer feel hurt and sad. Along with recognizing that, it was also important for her to see the limiting belief she held.

So this is what we did. We pulled out the limiting belief, “If it doesn’t happen quickly, it will never happen” and looked at why that wasn’t true. Since she is being more intentional with who and what she wants, maybe it’s happening FOR her that it’s taking some time before she meets someone she really likes. In the past, things had happened somewhat quickly where she met someone she really liked, but ultimately, the relationship didn’t end up being what she wanted – the “want matches” weren’t there.

I asked, “So how might taking ‘longer’ this time be happening FOR you?” She came up with:

– “I get to clarify even more who I want to be with and who I want to BE in the relationship.”
– “Even when it feels hard – discouraging, disappointing, rejecting – I remind myself why this is important to me and I keep showing up for myself instead of wanting to give up.”
– “I get to show myself love and compassion through this, which strengthens my relationship with myself.”

There are probably even more things she could find.

The other thing we pulled out was the resistance to her feelings. When she became aware that she was resisting and trying to escape those feelings of hurt and sadness, she began to allow them to be there.

She noticed that by allowing those feelings, the sense of urgency decreased. Because now there was less to resist or escape. She could be accepting of where she is emotionally and see that the feelings could be there and not overwhelm her. She could have compassion for herself about why she feels hurt and sad.

She now feels more comfortable with taking her time during this process of dating and meeting people, being intentional and patient. She recognizes that even in this, she is learning and growing.

Your turn: Where in your life do you feel a sense of urgency? Can you recognize if you have a limiting belief in that area? What is the belief? Can you recognize if you’re resisting emotions in that area? What are the emotions? If you find that you feel a sense of urgency, what does having compassion for yourself look like? How might this “taking longer” or “taking too long” be happening FOR you?

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Presence stealer

May 30, 2024 ~ The Healing Modalities ~ Leave a comment

Do you do this?

A couple weeks ago, I wrote about the ways we try to escape from ourselves and our lives. In order to take care of ourselves, we need to be present for ourselves. We need to know what’s going on with us. We need to be able to tell the truth about what’s going on for us. We need to be present for ourselves exactly where we are.

Another way that we might routinely “leave” ourselves is by comparing what’s going on in our lives to what we think our lives “should” look like.

When we compare and despair, it’s hard to remain present with WHAT IS.

It’s tempting to think that an idealized version of our lives is better than where we actually are right now. I call that “there vs. here” thinking. We might think:

“Once I get that promotion, I’ll finally feel satisfied.”
“When I find my perfect partner, I’ll feel worthy and complete.”
“Once I’ve lost the extra weight, I’ll love myself more.”
“When my business is up and running, I’ll feel successful.”
“Once we have kids, our marriage will be more fulfilling.”

We can get focused on “there” and forget about being here in the present moment. And when we place a lot of weight on getting “there,” we may be disappointed once we are “there” and we still don’t feel satisfied, worthy, loving, successful, or fulfilled.

This is not to say that we shouldn’t have a vision of what we want for ourselves and our lives.

But when we place so much responsibility on the future for the way we want to FEEL, we forget that we’re responsible for the way we’re feeling right now, here in the PRESENT.

We forget to be present for ourselves where we are, for our life where it is. Being “here” and appreciating what we have “here” is valuable and important in getting us “there.” In fact, to create the future we’d like to have, we need to appreciate what we DO have now.

“Being aware of the present moment simply means you never believe the illusion that the future is going to be better than what is going on right now.” – Mateo Tabatabai, The Mind-Made Prison

Your turn: What’s good about right now? (I can breathe, I’m working at a job that pays me, I have clothes to wear, I have eyes that can read these words. . .) What can you appreciate about you and your life exactly as you are, exactly as it is? What do you feel when you think those thoughts?

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You’re in charge

April 11, 2024 ~ The Healing Modalities ~ Leave a comment

Of your thoughts and feelings.

It’s easy to think that external circumstances, like other people, things, outcomes, and events, cause us to feel a certain way.

The traffic

The weather.

What someone said to us.

The number on the scale.

The number in our bank account.

These are all facts, things that are circumstances. And they’re NEUTRAL, until we apply a thought to them.

So what really causes us to feel a certain way is how we think about those external circumstances. And this is how we can get in our own way, or get out of our own way.

Do you know why circumstances don’t cause our feelings? Because two different people could experience the exact same circumstance, but depending on how each of them thinks about the circumstance, their thoughts will create their feelings. So it’s not the circumstance. It’s our thoughts.

For example, one person gets cut off while driving. She could immediately get angry and vengeful and try to cut that other person off because she’s thinking, “This person is a jerk! How dare he do that to me. I’ll show him!” And sometimes this anger can start a spiral of negative thoughts and emotions for the rest of the day. She got in her own way and ruined her day.

Another person who gets cut off while driving could feel some annoyance but then get over it easily because he’s thinking, “Yikes! I know how it feels to be in a rush like that. I’ve done that type of thing before without meaning to.” Some initial annoyance, but pretty quickly letting it go and not letting it ruin his day.

Same circumstance, but different thoughts, which create different feelings – and ultimately, different results.

When we let other people have so much control over our feelings, we’re giving our power away to them. We’re saying, “How you’re behaving/what you’re saying/what’s happening ‘out there’ is determining how I feel, so I have no control over my feelings.”

But we DO have control. That control is in our thoughts. Our thoughts are where our power lies.

Most of the time, we make other people’s words and actions mean something about us and we think we have to protect ourselves from something, protect our egos.

For example, when a colleague offers another way of doing something than what we suggested, we might get defensive because we might think, “She doesn’t respect my opinion.” Then we may feel angry and defensive because we made it mean something about ourselves – usually something related to “I’m not good enough.” Then we proceed to act in a certain way that deteriorates our relationship with that colleague. We got in our own way and affected our relationship with our colleague.

What if instead we thought, “She could be offering a more efficient way to do it. Let’s see if it can work”? That thought will create a totally different feeling. We didn’t make our colleague’s words/actions mean anything about ourselves. We didn’t take it personally or need to defend ourselves. This other thought might create the feeling of “curiosity” or “openness,” which leads us to collaborate with that colleague in a cooperative way.

Two different outcomes because of two different thoughts – but the circumstance was the same.

When we take responsibility for our feelings, we stop giving our power away to other people and situations. We stop getting in our own way. We are in charge of how we think and feel.

Your turn: What are you making someone’s words or actions mean about yourself? What if their words or actions don’t have to mean anything about you? Are you open to becoming more aware of the thoughts you’re thinking and how they’re creating your feelings? What are the three most frequent emotions you feel during a typical day? What are the thoughts creating those emotions?

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“I hate myself”

February 29, 2024 ~ The Healing Modalities ~ Leave a comment

Stop it.

I’ve noticed that people tend to be more interested in other people’s self-loathing than in other people’s self-loving. I wonder why this is?

Is it because we’re so familiar with our self-loathing that we can relate more to hearing about other people’s self-loathing?

Is it because we don’t know how to love ourselves, so we judge others who seem to know how to?

Is it because we’re uncomfortable with loving ourselves, so we feel repelled when we see other people loving themselves?

Maybe. I used to feel frustrated when people said, “Just love yourself!” That seemed so far away, so aspirational, something I didn’t even know how to take a step forward to start.

What does “loving yourself” even mean? What does it look like?

It’s so interesting that hating ourselves seems so much easier than loving ourselves. We pick up all these messages from our culture and society that tell us why we shouldn’t feel good about ourselves the way we are. We need to be more this, less that, smarter, richer, skinnier, stronger, better.

We’re basically told NOT to love ourselves because we need to be “better than” we are before we can even consider loving ourselves.

And that’s just not true. We CAN love ourselves exactly where we are. It starts with being kinder to ourselves.

One of the most powerful things that helped me start being kinder to myself is this:

– Stand in front of a mirror
– Look yourself in the eyes
– Say “thank you” out loud to yourself

Start with once a day for a week and see what happens. It might feel uncomfortable and even unnatural at first, but keep going. This is for YOU.

You are saying “thank you” to yourself for being you, for doing all the hard things you’ve done, for showing up each day even when you don’t want to sometimes, for your body that supports your life, for your eyes that see the world, for your hands that do the work, for you who exists in the world. Exactly as you are. This YOU has done some impressive things. This YOU has learned some important lessons. Let’s celebrate this YOU by saying “thank you” in the mirror.

Keep saying “thank you” to yourself in the mirror at least once a day until it feels comfortable, until you can smile at yourself when you say it, until you feel the gratitude you’re giving to yourself.

When “thank you” starts to feel comfortable (maybe after a month or two, maybe more/less), move to “I love you.” THAT can certainly feel uncomfortable and unnatural at first. Keep going. Do it for a week and see what happens.

This is for YOU. Keep saying “I love you” to yourself in the mirror at least once a day until it feels comfortable, until you can smile at yourself when you say it, until you feel the love you’re giving to yourself.

You might start to find that you can say “I love you” to yourself in more ways than one. You might start feeling LOVE for YOURSELF.

Your turn: Are you willing to try the above activity until “thank you” feels comfortable? What about moving to “I love you”? And remember, our thoughts are optional, they’re choices. We can choose to stop thinking self-hating thoughts and choose to start thinking self-loving thoughts. I’d love to know what impact this has on you if you’d like to share!

Also, if you already practice this exercise, it’s just a reminder of how far you’ve come, how much you’ve done to love yourself, and how powerful this exercise is!

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When you think “I’m a bad person”

February 8, 2024 ~ The Healing Modalities ~ Leave a comment

You’re 50/50.

The other day I felt guilty about doing something unhelpful for someone else. I could’ve helped out by making a task a little easier for someone I care about, but instead, I just sat there and let him do it all himself. I usually help out by moving the bedroom trash can closer to the door when he comes to gather the weekly trash to put outside.

But this time, I was working on something and just sat at my desk and let him walk into the room, over my bags on the floor, to the trash can, and empty it. I just didn’t feel like getting up myself to help with it. And afterwards, I felt guilty because I thought, “I should’ve just done it and helped him. I’m such a bad person.”

The truth is, just like our lives are 50/50, we are 50/50 people. We have various parts to us that make up our whole selves. We’re both good AND bad sometimes. We’re both helpful AND unhelpful sometimes. We’re both brave AND scared sometimes. We’re both strong AND weak sometimes. Maybe it’s more like 80/20 – and we get to acknowledge that the 20% is still part of us too. The 50/50 is a conglomeration of all those parts that act out in 50/50 ways.

I’ve been reading about our shadow sides in The Relationship Handbook. Our shadow sides are disowned parts of ourselves that we can actually learn and benefit from. “Our well-being depends on our being whole and having access to all of who we are.”

I still cringe a little for not helping out when I think, “Why didn’t I just get up and do it?” I feel a need to make up for it. But the truth is, last week I took out and brought in the bins because he was traveling and wasn’t here to do it and I offered to. The truth is, every week if I’m in the bedroom, I get up and move my trash can closer to the door. This was ONE week when I didn’t do that and I’m beating myself up for it. Next week, I can choose differently. And this week, I can find another way to be helpful, if I want to, to make up for it if I still feel the need to.

We do this sometimes – or a lot – we let ONE thing dictate how we think about ourselves – usually in a bad way.

It’s important to be aware of the times when we act out of alignment from who we want to be. We can use that information to make different choices in the future. And it’s also important to see how we might have been choosing to take care of ourselves by NOT doing something we might usually do.

We can beat ourselves up about it, if we want to. Or we can remember that we are 50/50 people and we can choose differently next time. Even though I didn’t move my trash can closer to the door this time, I’m still a good person, I’m still a helpful person. And maybe this time, I was choosing to take care of myself because I was working on something important and wanted to keep my momentum going.

Your turn: Are you open to accepting yourself as a 50/50 person? In certain situations, can you see how you might be choosing to take care of YOU through your actions/inactions? What happens when you think, “I’m a bad person”? What happens when you think, “I’m choosing to take care of myself in this situation”?

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When you flake on yourself

December 21, 2023 ~ The Healing Modalities ~ Leave a comment

You deserve better.

Last week I shared about the second pillar of the 3 pillars of transformative self-care – how we speak about and to ourselves. Let’s talk about the third pillar today: how we treat ourselves.

We might think we treat ourselves pretty well. We practice good dental hygiene, we get a massage every once in a while, we take vitamins, we sleep for several hours most nights, we put food into our bodies regularly, we use the stairs sometimes or park farther away from our destination to get in some extra steps.

These are all beneficial things to do for ourselves. And what else can we do for ourselves to show that we care?

One of the strongest ways we can show ourselves that we care is by doing what we say we’ll do – when it comes to ourselves.

How would we feel about a friend or someone close to us who tells us they’re going to do this or that with us or for us, and then when the day comes to do it, they either call/text to say they can’t make it, or they don’t show up at all?

– After the first time, we’ll likely give them some grace but feel disappointed by the outcome.
– The second time they do it, we might start to question the validity of their words.
– If they do it a third time, we’ll see a definite pattern here and probably feel frustrated and give up on believing them. We might even start to think that they don’t really care about or respect us.

This would be a normal reaction to someone who seems to be unable to follow through on what they say to us – someone who flakes on us.

And yet, how often have we flaked on ourselves? Flaking on ourselves means saying we’ll do something for ourselves, but at the last minute, we change our mind and don’t show up for what we said we’d do.

When we do this, we show ourselves that we don’t take our goals and desires seriously. We’re not caring for ourselves, and sometimes, we’re not respecting ourselves. Is that how we want to treat ourselves?

If we want to start treating ourselves better by keeping our promises and commitments to ourselves, we can start to build trust with ourselves by taking small actions. “Today I’m going to walk around the block at 3pm.”

And then at 3pm, we do what we say. We get up and walk around the block.

When we do this, there’s a sense of empowerment, a feeling of accomplishing something and fulfilling a promise to ourselves – no matter how small. “It feels good to do what I said I would!” Celebrate that and remember the feeling. It will help reinforce following through with future plans.

This is how we start to strengthen the muscle of trusting ourselves more, knowing that we can have our own back. We can continue to make another small commitment to keep each day – it could be the same one! – until it’s just automatic for us to keep our word to ourselves. Until it feels uncomfortable when we don’t keep our word to ourselves.

It might not happen overnight, but it’s worth it to keep practicing. WE are worth it. If we haven’t been in the practice of keeping our commitments to ourselves, it can take time to build that up. Take that time.

When we get even better at keeping commitments to ourselves, we learn to treat ourselves better in multiple aspects of our lives. We start to know what it truly feels like to take care of ourselves and treat ourselves in the way we want and deserve to be treated. We learn how to have our own back, no matter what.

Your turn: In what ways do you want to treat yourself better? What commitments do you want to keep with yourself? What is one small commitment you want to make to yourself today that you’ll do tomorrow? When tomorrow comes, are you willing to build trust with yourself and do the thing?

Dive Deeper: If you still find yourself not doing the thing, are you open to asking yourself if this is something you truly want to do for yourself or is something/someone else telling you “you should” do it?

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