How to enjoy being you

April 17, 2025 ~ The Healing Modalities ~ Leave a comment

It’s a practice.

What does enjoying “being you” look like?

When we don’t like ourselves, it’s hard to enjoy being ourselves. But sometimes we don’t even realize we don’t like ourselves—until we notice how often we’re getting frustrated and upset with ourselves.

This might look like quickly overcommitting to things. Staying up late rethinking what we said. Trying to be the perfect version of ourselves wherever we are.

This isn’t a flaw. It’s a signal. These are clues pointing us back to the part of us that’s still trying to earn belonging.

A client once shared this with me:

She had just finished a long workday when a friend texted asking for help on something she’d procrastinated on. My client’s instinct was to say No. She was exhausted.

But what came out was, “Of course! No problem.”
Then she stayed up past midnight trying to finish both her friend’s request and her own to-do list.

The next day she felt tired and irritated—and really, disappointed in herself.

We explored it together and underneath the resentment wasn’t just over-giving. It was the belief: If I say no, she might not like me.
And beneath that: I don’t feel like I’m enough as I am.

When we don’t like ourselves, it shows up in these quiet ways. But that doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with us. It just means we’ve learned to measure our worth by how others respond to us.

That’s why liking yourself is a practice. It’s not a personality trait, something you either have or don’t have.

It’s something you build—the same way you would a relationship. Because it’s your relationship with yourself.
We practice with presence, with care, with forgiveness. And maybe even a little humor.

We don’t have to wait until we’ve “fixed” ourselves to start liking ourselves.
We just have to be willing to have our own back. No matter what.

And like any practice, we get better by doing it.

Your Turn:

What’s one way you notice yourself hustling for approval?
What’s something you appreciate about who you are right now—without changing a thing?
How can you practice having your own back this week?

Where does authenticity live?

April 3, 2025 ~ The Healing Modalities ~ Leave a comment

Not with people-pleasing.

We’re all familiar with the concept of people-pleasing, but we don’t often think about why we do it.

At its core, people-pleasing is a way of behaving that’s driven by external pressure—seeking approval, avoiding conflict, or trying to control how others perceive us. It’s rooted in extrinsic motivation: we do things not because they’re aligned with our own desires, but because we hope to gain something from others or avoid their disapproval.

The irony is that when we act from this place of external motivation, we end up feeling disconnected from ourselves. We’re performing for others, but losing touch with our own authenticity.

I recently started reading the book Why We Do What We Do, by Edward Deci. He explains that real motivation—the kind that leads to fulfillment and long-lasting change—comes from within. Intrinsic motivation is about doing something because it’s meaningful to us, because it aligns with our true self. It’s not about how others see us or what they expect of us.

When we act from intrinsic motivation, we feel more free, more willing, and more committed to our choices. We’re not just going along with what others want or expect; we’re consciously choosing what feels right for us.

When we think about it this way, people-pleasing can become a kind of dishonesty—not just with others, but with ourselves. We’re not being true to who we are. We’re not acting autonomously; we’re letting the desire for approval dictate our actions.

So how do we shift from people-pleasing to authenticity? We start by noticing when we’re acting from a place of fear or obligation rather than genuine desire. We can ask ourselves:

Am I doing this because it’s truly important to me, or because I’m worried about what others will think?
Does this choice feel aligned with my values, or am I just trying to avoid conflict or rejection?
If I were motivated by my own joy and integrity, how might I act differently?

To become more connected to our own self-approval, we have to practice choosing ourselves on purpose—prioritizing our own well-being, setting boundaries, and letting others think what they will. The more we act from a place of intrinsic motivation, the more we step into our authentic selves.

Your Turn:
What would it look like to prioritize your own self-approval today? How can you shift from doing what you think you “should” do to doing what you genuinely want to do?

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Work with me: Want to see how self-care is transformative and can help you create the results you want in your life? I can show you how. I offer first-time seekers a complimentary 45-minute exploratory session. Sign up here.

What’s on your mind? It can be powerful to learn from each other and our common struggles when it comes to our practice of self-care–or just being a human being. If you have something you’re struggling with and would like some perspective, share it here. Your issue may be chosen and addressed in the next post–it’ll be totally anonymous.

No more people-pleasing

March 13, 2025 ~ The Healing Modalities ~ Leave a comment

Now what?

When we begin the work of letting go of people-pleasing, it can feel like everything is shifting.

For so long, acceptance and connection may have looked like being agreeable, accommodating, pleasant, helpful, easy to get along with. We may have shaped ourselves around what others needed or expected. We became the supportive friend, the reliable colleague, the one who didn’t rock the boat.

And underneath all of that was the quiet hope: If I can be who they want me to be, then I’ll be accepted. Then I’ll belong. Then I’ll be loved.

But people-pleasing is not the same as genuine acceptance or connection. It’s performance masquerading as intimacy. It’s self-abandonment in the name of belonging. And at some point, we realize that the cost is too high.

We realize that we’ve been offering curated versions of ourselves in exchange for “acceptance” or “connection.” But “acceptance” by others of curated versions of ourselves – is that really the acceptance or true connection we want?

So what do acceptance and connection look like now, in this next phase, post-people-pleasing?

It looks like showing up as your full self, not just the “palatable” parts.
It looks like being honest about your needs, your limits, your preferences.
It looks like saying “no” without over-explaining or justifying.
It looks like letting go of the idea that you have to manage other people’s emotions in order to feel safe in relationship.

And yes—this might feel strange and uncomfortable at first. We might worry that we’re being selfish, or “too much,” or not “nice enough.” That’s normal. We’re unlearning patterns that were reinforced for a long time.

But as we keep choosing honesty over false harmony, self-respect over self-sacrifice, we’ll notice something: our relationships begin to shift. Some will fall away. Some will deepen. And new ones will emerge—ones rooted in mutual authenticity, not some performance.

True connection doesn’t require us to stay small. It invites us to expand. It welcomes all of who we are.

Your turn:

In what ways have you curated yourself to maintain acceptance or connection?
What does authentic acceptance and connection feel like to you now?
What are you willing to let go of in order to experience more aligned relationships?

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Choose discomfort?

February 27, 2025 ~ The Healing Modalities ~ Leave a comment

Your new currency.

Why is it so hard to make changes in our lives, even when we know they will benefit us?

Because change requires discomfort—and our brains are wired to avoid it.

We make changes because we recognize that our current habits, routines, or mindsets aren’t fully aligned with who we want to become. It’s not that who we are right now is “wrong” or “not good enough.” It’s simply that we know we’re capable of more. We know we can grow.

Making changes is an act of self-care. We choose to eat healthier, deepen relationships, find more fulfilling work, or be more present in our lives—not because we’re trying to “fix” ourselves, but because we care about the person we are becoming.

At first, change feels exciting. We’re motivated, thinking, I can do this. This feels good.

But then … it gets hard.

The discomfort sets in. We feel resistance. Our brain urges us to return to what’s easy, comfortable, and familiar—even if that old comfort is exactly why we wanted to change in the first place.

We think:
🔹 I don’t feel like it today.
🔹 I’ll just scroll for a few more minutes.

🔹 It won’t make a difference anyway.
🔹 I miss him so much—maybe I’ll just text him.

These urges pull us back to comfort. But if we keep answering them, we’ll never pass through the hard part.

So let it be hard—and keep going anyway.

Discomfort is the price we pay for growth. The more we allow it, the closer we get to real transformation. When we stick to the plan, sit with the discomfort, and honor our commitment to ourselves, something shifts.

What once felt impossible becomes second nature. The habit becomes part of who we are. The future version of you is waiting. Are you willing to pay the price of some discomfort in the short term to get there?

Your Turn:

Are you ready to stop flaking on yourself?
What would happen if you let it be hard or uncomfortable—and kept going anyway?
How would your life be different if the thing you’re struggling with now simply became part of who you are?

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I did this to myself

February 20, 2025 ~ The Healing Modalities ~ Leave a comment

What a packed schedule

Does it ever seem like your schedule is running you instead of the other way around? The other day, I found myself feeling overwhelmed—back-to-back meetings, no time to breathe, and frustration creeping in. And then I realized: I did this to myself.

In the past, I used to pack my schedule so tightly that I was constantly rushing, feeling anxious, and even getting irritated at people walking too slowly in front of me on the street. It wasn’t just about the logistics—it was the mental exhaustion of always being on and never feeling like I had enough time. I blamed my schedule, but in reality, I was the one choosing it.

Now, when I plan my schedule, I can ask myself some simple questions:

Do I actually need to say yes to this?
Am I giving myself enough space to transition between tasks?
If I’m saying yes to this, what am I saying no to? (Rest, exercise, peace of mind?)

By checking in with myself first, I can make more intentional choices—whether that’s adding a buffer before a meeting, saying no to a last-minute reschedule, or planning recovery time after a packed day.

Another thing to consider is why we are saying yes to something. It might be out of obligation or to stave off a conflict with someone or to prevent ourselves from feeling guilty. Whatever the reason, do we like our reason? If so, that’s great. If not, we may want to reconsider or remember that we can choose something else, and like our reason for choosing that instead.

It’s not just about avoiding burnout; it’s about designing a schedule that supports us, rather than drains us. When we’re mindful of our choices, even a busy day feels more manageable—because we get to be in charge of it.

Your Turn:

How do you want to recover after an intense day or week?
Even if your schedule isn’t always within your control, how can you design it to work for you instead of against you?
What’s one small shift you can make this week to support yourself when you have a packed day?

None of your business?

January 23, 2025 ~ The Healing Modalities ~ Leave a comment

What’s yours is yours.

Have you ever found yourself stressing about someone else’s choices? Maybe a friend is making decisions you don’t agree with, or you’re worried about the way your partner is handling a situation with a colleague. Or perhaps you’re caught up in something bigger—like the state of the economy or what the weather will be like next week.

It’s exhausting, isn’t it?

I learned a concept from Byron Katie that helped me untangle what often became a mental mess. She offers a powerful framework that explains there are three types of business:

God’s business: Things beyond human control, like the weather or natural disasters.
Their business: Other people’s thoughts, feelings, and actions/decisions.
My business: Your own thoughts, feelings, and actions/decisions—the one realm where you truly have power.

When we’re caught up in “God’s business” or “their business,” we disconnect from ourselves. We avoid looking at what’s really going on in our lives and miss the opportunity to make meaningful changes.

Why do we do this? It can be easier to fixate on what others are doing or what’s out of our control than to face our own fears, desires, or responsibilities. But when we do this, it’s a recipe for anxiety, frustration, and feeling stuck because we’re trying to control things that are not ours to control.

The good news is that we don’t have to stay there.

We can get back into our business by:

Pausing and reflecting: “Whose business am I in right now? Is this mine to control?”
Shifting our focus inward: Instead of ruminating on others, think about what you can do today to feel more empowered.

I love what Byron Katie has on her website:

Ask yourself: “Am I in their business? Did they ask me for my advice?” And more importantly, “Can I take the advice I am offering and apply it to my life?”

Staying in our own business can be one of the most freeing things we can do. When we stop trying to control what isn’t ours, we reclaim energy for what is—our goals, our relationships, and our peace of mind.

Your turn: Where in your life are you caught up in someone else’s business, and how is it affecting you? What’s one area of your business that you’ve been neglecting or avoiding? How might your life feel different if you focused only on what you can control?

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“Have to” vs. “want to”

December 26, 2024 ~ The Healing Modalities ~ Leave a comment

Empowered semantics.

“I have to go over to my in-laws’ place for the holidays this year.”

“I have to pay my taxes.”

“I have to pick my kid up from school at 2pm.”

“I have to buy her a gift.”

How many of us say that we “have to” do something when in actuality, we probably WANT to do that thing.

Even if it might feel like a bit of an obligation, NOT doing it might cause more trouble than we want. So instead of thinking that we HAVE to do something, a change in semantics here actually helps us to feel more empowered about our choices.

We can say that we WANT to do something.

Because when it comes down to it, we’re actually making empowered choices here.

When we go over to our in-laws’ place for the holidays – even if we might feel less than happy to – we can say that we WANT to go. We are choosing to go in order to prevent whatever consequences would happen if we chose not to go.

When we pay our taxes – even if it’s not our favorite thing to do and feels like a hassle – we can say that we WANT to pay our taxes. Because by paying our taxes, we’re avoiding the consequences of choosing not to pay our taxes.

“I want to pick my kid up from school at 2pm.”

“I want to buy her a gift.”

Sometimes a slight semantic change can create a big mindset change. And that mindset change can support us in feeling more empowered in our lives. We realize we’re making choices instead of having no agency and feeling obligated. Feeling obligated can feel disempowering.

However, this is not to say that we need to always change our mindset from feeling obligated to feeling empowered. Having this option actually helps us recognize what we DO want to do and what we feel obligated to do. And when we aren’t able to use semantics to change our mindset, that’s when we move to boundaries.

Your turn: Try it for yourself. When you find yourself saying or thinking “I have to…,” try changing it to “I want to…” and see where you stand. Does it help you feel more empowered in that situation? If it doesn’t, what kind of boundaries might you want to set instead?

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When you don’t feel “good enough”

December 5, 2024 ~ The Healing Modalities ~ Leave a comment

One of the things many of my clients struggle with is not feeling “good enough.”

When we don’t feel good enough, we do things to try to prove that we’re good enough. This is how it can show up in our lives:

Working without boundaries, i.e. overworking
Not asking for help when we need it – sometimes being unaware that we even need help
Thinking we need to be and look “perfect” all the time
Talking to ourselves in critical, judgmental ways if we aren’t “perfect” – usually without knowing it
Staying too long – in relationships, jobs, homes
Doing so much that we’re unable to take time for ourselves
Grasping onto things that aren’t in our best interest in order to prove something to ourselves and/or others – lifestyle, relationship, job, etc.

Those things are usually unhealthy behaviors. And sometimes we’re not aware that they’re unhealthy until it’s too late. And that’s OK. That’s how we learn what isn’t working for us. And it’s a path forward to learning what DOES work for us, in healthier ways.

It’s OK to find out what isn’t working in order to move towards what does work – it’s probably the most common way we learn things. Sometimes we learn from our past experiences, a line in a book we’re reading, a story about someone else’s experience, or just being sick and tired of being sick and tired.

I learned about some of my unhealthy behaviors through therapy and life coaching. And I’ve been doing the work to become healthier and engage in my life in ways that DO work for me. It’s been so fulfilling to live differently by living INTENTIONALLY with awareness of what I’m creating in my life.

So I’ve created an introductory coaching series called “Tools to Change Your Life” to support others on their own path to becoming aware of what ISN’T working for them, so they can discover what DOES work for them.

You can consider this program for yourself or for someone in your life who could benefit from a program like this!

Learn More & Purchase

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Tools to change your life

November 28, 2024 ~ The Healing Modalities ~ Leave a comment

Happy Thanksgiving! Sale.

As we celebrate the Thanksgiving holiday in the U.S. today, I am grateful for all my interactions with you and for your time, whenever you read these posts. I know you have a lot of other information to consume throughout your day, so it means a lot to me that you choose to read these words.

As we move into the holidays and a new year, show yourself some extra gratitude by investing in yourself with tools to change your life – 2025 can be your best year yet! (Or gift this to someone else for their best year yet!)

I’m offering a deeply discounted introductory coaching program for you to start changing your life!

Tools to Change Your Life – Introductory Coaching Series – $297

Get out of your own way by learning these concepts to change your life!

– Build self-awareness about what you’re unintentionally creating in your life so you can create the life you want, on purpose

– Overcome self-sabotage by understanding how your brain has evolved to keep you “safe”

– Start believing new things and in new possibilities for your life and yourself

– Practice the power of processing emotions, instead of distracting from them or avoiding them

Learn the tools in four (4) 45-minute Zoom coaching sessions to be used when you like, within 3 months of purchase. Each 45-minute session includes 20 minutes of learning and 25 minutes of coaching.

Once your payment goes through and you submit the form on the payment page, you’ll receive an email to book your first session.

Change Your Life!

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Your boundaries with YOU

November 14, 2024 ~ The Healing Modalities ~ Leave a comment

Build trust.

We’ve been talking about boundaries with other people for the past few weeks. Let’s talk about boundaries with ourselves today.

What this looks like is keeping commitments to ourselves or keeping our word to ourselves.

If we are the keepers of our own boundaries with others and we take the actions to maintain those boundaries, we can do the same with ourselves.

We may want to set a boundary for ourselves around the following:

Boundary between work and home (for those who work from home)
Boundary for when we look at or check our phones
Boundary for how much time we spend on social media
Boundary around time spent watching streaming shows
Boundary around how much sugar we eat
Boundary around how much caffeine or alcohol we drink
Boundary around how much active time we have
Boundary for when we choose to go to sleep every night

We can make plans for all these boundaries. What creates boundary violations with ourselves is when we don’t stick to the plan.

We worked two more hours than we planned to.
We have one more drink than we planned to.
We scrolled on social media for 45 minutes longer than we planned to.
We ate two cookies instead of one.
We went to bed at midnight instead of 10:30pm.
We didn’t exercise like we planned to.

Many of us are very good at keeping commitments to others, especially if we don’t want to disappoint them or let them down. What happens when we don’t keep our commitments to others? They may feel let down and disappointed. We may feel guilty or disappointed in ourselves.

What happens when we don’t keep our commitments to ourselves? We are the ones who feel BOTH things–let down by ourselves AND guilty or disappointed in ourselves. We get a double whammy.

When we don’t follow through with our commitments to ourselves, we erode our trust with ourselves. This makes us less likely to even make plans for ourselves to commit to because we might think, “What’s the point? I probably won’t do it anyway.”

To build trust with ourselves, we can practice keeping commitments to ourselves with compassion. We make the plan (the boundary) and we take the actions to maintain the plan (keeping the boundary). If we miss the mark once, we don’t just give up. We give ourselves grace and practice taking action again.

It feels good to keep a commitment. The more we do it, the more trust we build with ourselves. And that can have positive effects on everything we do.

Your turn: What plans (boundaries) do you want to put into place for yourself? Are you willing to be committed to being the keeper of your plans (boundaries)? How would your life be different if you kept your commitment to maintaining your boundaries with yourself?

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